Journey to Life Day 27 - Fear of those close to me Dying

 

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear those close to me dying

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in this fear not wan ting to get close to others - because I don't want to face the pain of them leaving.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let past experiences of death affect me and to hold on to it throughout my life

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to close myself up and limit myself to make sure I don't get close to anybody, but to keep them at a distance and push away and also suppress myself to make sure that when they die I wont feel pain

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed with sadness when I think of what will happen if somebody dies that's close to me - in that further suppress myself and push those away so that I don't  have to face the pain.

I Forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to to stop the thoughts of those close to me dying - not realizing that I am reliving my past experiences of death and pain over and over and not letting go

I Forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to live life in fear of death I am in fact fearing to live life - not wanting to take changes and playing it safe. This is not living life free but living in constant fear. I Forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that i am being selfish only thinking of myself - because in my fear of others dying and not wanting to get close i deny them any support from me. In this fear of death I limit myself and will never be effective in supporting others

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  define myself by this fear of death and to believe that is who I am and that it will forever scar me for life and be a part of me.

I Forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to let go of the past and move on and allow the past to affect my present and future.

I commit myself to stop thinking about others dying and reliving the pain

I commit myself to stop allowing  past experiences to dictate my life

I commit myself to let go of the past and to not let fear keep me from getting to know others

I commit myself to realize that life is really fucked up - and that death is a part of life and that I can do nothing to stop it - but not to fear it and allow it to change who I am and what I do

I commit myself to live life in spite of the pain that comes with it - and to live life is to live it in such a way that others may also live it and to not stop living life to the best of my ability.

I commit myself to stop hiding and suppressing myself and to stop pushing people away - because that is me being selfish and only thinking of myself