When my body first started giving me problems i did not think it was a disease - i thought it was probably something im eating. I come from a line of bad genetics - bad teeth, cancer, asthma to name a few. It was only when i went to go see doctors about my body that i started to worry that the sins of my fathers will be laid upon me so to speak - that I actually just might have a disease.
When i told the doctors the symptoms they asked me if there is cancer is the family and i would think to myself "" O shit, I might just have it"". It started to dawn on me that I just might die from some horrible disease. Yeay for me.
The doctors named a few sicknesses that it might be and it was some real scary sh it. That a tiny being in your body that kills you - having death inside of you and nothing you can do about it. You never think or believe that it will happen to you until it does - that you might actually die - this was the worse case scenario anyway.
I have experience death and loss a few times in my life, but never that i might die .The realization hit me and it was a different exp erience of myself - death. Where my body stop functioning and ends, returns to the earth. At first I was a bit shocked and feared it - this is something I have not faced on a personal level yet and I am not ready, then I was a bit angry at myself because if I die and thought what about my responsibilities here? What about all the things i still need to do? i wont be able to tend to them. Then I got sad, because I unfortunately know what loss feels like - to loose someone to death and others around me will experience it if I go, It is sad.
On Wednesday I have another appointment with my doctor - a checkup to see what my thyroid is doing is if the medication is working effectively. And on Monday i first need to do another blood test to check my thyroid hormone levels.
