Thursday, 20 September 2012

Day 92 - Supporting Self


I did some introspection today and had a look at who I am and what I do. And what came up is support. If I look at this I see that i am effective in supporting the farm for example working outside and learning how to do things.

I have been able to support others in learning the tself-helphings I have learned. But when I look at how I support myself - I simply do not. I support others, but I do not support myself. I see others as being more important than I am and I would always place others needs above my own.

Now i have to ask why am I doing this? Why do I see myself as less than others? Why do i se them as being worth more than i am. Its because i see myself as being less important. I believe myself to be unworthy.

In my previous posts I explained the point of working through understanding. I do work around the farm, because i understand the need for the particular task that im doing. For example planting a fruit tree - so that we can have our own fruit in the future. Even mundane things like pulling weeds for the day - to make sure that the grass or vegetables or fruit trees can grow effectively. I support others with what i learned so that they also have the know how and be educated. I understand the importance of it.

This is where my problem is - that I do not se the importance of supporting myself. Id rather support other people. I do support myself to some extend but not in the same capacity that i do with outside work where I go for being most effective in what i do. When it comes to supporting myself I always do it half assed or not at all.

Back when I was in high school and i got sick - I got very sick. I remember I went on holiday visiting old friends i got very sick. I still continued partying and smoking - i eventually got to the doctor who said i had bronchitis and a throat  infection. I still continues partying and smoking and even swimming in the Atlantic ocean(very cold). Every time i got sick i never showed it - only when i am so sick that i cannot walk and am in too much pain will I stay in bed. An example of how I do not care about myself. Did not support myself.

And this behavior is from when my mother died - that really did a number on me and here is another point that still dictated my life. When she died I made allot of choices subconsciously - including that i am not worthy or important and i do not care about myself. 

Self support - I will continue this tomorrow. Its important 


  1. Cool, make sure to see where and how self can support self in one's life. Taking care of one's physical body, scheduling one's time, and see also how supporting the fruit trees and farm support self too, though i guess this specifically would not require change, unless self need to care more for self in working. Just some examples i placed here that are general, self needs to see what applies/needed for self. Good luck.

  2. Thanks for sharing Fidelis - looking forward to your continued writings on this point.

  3. am walking the same point. thanks for sharing, fidelis...