Day 110 - Stress And Storms

 

A few days ago we had another Storm. Now when the previous storm hit i noticed that I became very anxious and start to stress out. I worry about what damage can occur with this storm. Specifically our dam wall and river wall. overtime it rains allot out river flows - the more rain the more powerful it flows. I do this every time a storm hits - and lately there has been allot of storms.

So i fear that the  the heavy rain will cause the river to flood and wash away our wall which will cause allot of damage if it does. The point i realize within this is that it doesn't’’ matter if I stress or not - it will not change a thing. It is to be aware of the point and to make all the precautions to make sure that the wall doesn't’ break. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious whenever a storm hits

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to stress out during the storm, because there is no way for me to check the damage while the storm is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the river wall or dam wall broke and that its causing major damage along the way  even though I have no way of knowing yet

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when a storm hits to fear the worst

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when A storm hit during the day close to horses time to fear we will have to fetch them while the storm is still going.and fear being hit by lighting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in this stress become frustrated and on edge where I will snap at others

I commit myself to not/s top stress and not/stop be anxious when there  is a big storm, but to instead breathe through it and enjoy the show.

I commit myself to stop expecting the worst when there is a big storm - instead I realize there is nothing i can do about it while its storming

I commit myself to stop the fear that something bad might happen like the river wall breaking - instead i breathe, inspect after the storm and do what's necessary to make sure the wall holds strong in the future so that I will have no excuse to worry.

I commit myself to stop the fear of pain of being hit by lighting or that the horses will freak out and become dangerous to walk them back in a storm - instead I make sure we get the horses before a storm hits -

if it does and we have to walk them in the middle of a storm i then stop my fear and stay calm and realize that my fear of being hit wont make the lighting not hit me.

Day 109 - Public School fees Becoming Unaffordable

 

Equal Money Solution Blog:

http://equalmoneysolution.blogspot.com/2012/10/public-school-fees-becoming-unaffordable.html

Day 108 - Doing it for Others

 

Please read this first quickly to understand this blog

  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only do things for other people and ignore myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i do not need to take care of myself and that i must dedicate my life to only help others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that other people are more important than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place other things like people and tasks above me where I am inferior an not important

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others have more worth than I do

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that i cannot only help others, but that i must also assist myself so that I can become more effective in assisting others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when participating  in farm activities to not be aware of myself in what I do.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to write music for others, not realizing that ill be more effective and it would be more enjoyable if I wrote for myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only write these blogs for other people and not me, not realizing that this is the reason why its so difficult for me to write, I'm missing me within it

I commit myself to write for me, for me to become more effective and in that as I become more effective I can assist other better  - write for myself for others.

I commit myself to write music for myself as others

I commit myself to stop placing others above me, to stop seeing others as more important, worthy, but to instead stand equal.

I commit myself to when I participate in farm activities like planting trees, to not only do it so that the tree can grow  -for the tree - but to also do it for me - where im aware of myself and the plant and realize that I'm working with a living being.

I commit myself to realize that I will always stay the same if I do not change something -

I commit myself to be aware of myself always

I realize the reason why I do what I do - because I understand there is a problem in the world and that I have the power to change it - through writing fir me to become more effective for others to also realize there's a solution. Trough music as to bring a message across and living as an example.

Give yourself to the power to be free - www.desteni.org.

Give yourself a life where all beings are free - www.equalmoney.org

Day 107 - Why am I doing what I'm Doing?

Today I am looking at Why am doing what I do - specifically related to writing, music and farm.
The first thing that came up was another question - for who am i doing this? For who do i write music and these blogs? And the answer - for others.
I am wring to assist people who face similar problems as to give them clarity. I write music for  the same reason and so that others can hear and see a point they didn't knew existed or how. I Also with farm activities like planting trees - I'm planting and watering the tree so that it can grow. I'm cutting the grass so that the horses can eat and have nice soft beds to sleep. Lots of examples, but did not see any problem with this  until now.
And for a while it was foe for me to live like this, unfortunately i missed a crucial point within all I do - ME.
I'm still living my life ignoring myself and placing others as more important than me. so much so that I completely disregard myself when doing something like writing. This is My journey to life - yes my writings may assist some as that is in part why i post it online. But I should write for myself - otherwise if i write for others this becomes very difficult
When planting a tree who am i within it? I enjoy farm activities like working with fruit trees, but because i do not consider myself, meaning I am not aware of myself when planting trees then Its like work-  I miss out.
Same with music - it has become difficult to get a song out - because I ''forgot'' about myself. I worry about what others will think about the song and how they will judge the song. What happens then is that making music becomes a chore and my effectiveness is reduced. I should be writing musing for myself - then its fun and allot easier.
yesterday i wrote a bit on anger - constantly dedicating yourself for others only can become frustrating and is also very limited depending how effective you are. What mean by that is If i do not work for myself and do things for myself as well as others then I will be limited to who i am now. Also i will miss out of life. 
Stay tuned for the next episode featuring exclusively - all about self consideration and stopping limitation - right here tomorrow. Thanks for reading 

Day 106 - Anger

When I become angry or irritated because of something that is happening to me – like somebody doing/saying something that I take personally and want to lash out at them – all common sense goes out the door and my actions become unreasonable.

Its feels like I’m stuck in a sort of mode that I hold on to, and while in this mode I simply become nasty. Thoughts run through my head where I portray myself as superior to the person who made me angry and how I am always right and the person is wrong.
Now when I step out of this mode, I can see my mistake.
But when im in this mode, I am right and everybody else is wrong.  

This is a reaction that is not directed, because my actions and words are directed by the anger.
Instead of directing the anger into a self directive action where the words I speak will consider all that is involved at that moment and that it will be supportive and according to what is best for all.

It is not to stop anger, but to direct yourself, instead of being dire by anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overcome with anger where I do not have control over what I say

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when someone says something that offends me to take it personally and react in anger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the anger is real - not realizing that it originates from a thought - which has no substance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lash out at people and become completely unreasonable when I’m angry.

More on this tomorrow

Day 105 - Breathe

 

A new Development.

I got myself a hemorrhoid. Its an extremely painful bump that occurs on your asshole and related to constipation. So here follows some points in regards to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I got this hemorrhoid to become angry at myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated, because I believe i cant get anything right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated at this new development, because what is happening to me just becomes worse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up, because i believe that i am doing my best and that this new development means that my best is not good enough.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to force myself to get better without considering my body and consequences

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to breathe so that I can be fully here all of me in order to fully assist myself as my body so that there is a consistent flow in all that i do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let feelings and emotions direct me in making me feel that there is no end to this - that there will always be something wrong with me and that I have no choice within this.

I commit myself to stop the anger when a new problem presents itself, instead I find the source of it and deal with it.

I commit myself to stop being irritated, instead I realize there no point to being irritated

I commit myself to stop the frustration and realize that its backchat - instead I stop the backchat

I commit myself to stop the belief that if new problems arise then I am not good enough

I commit myself to consider myself and my body by breathing so that I can be fully here all of me in order to fully assist myself as my body so that there is a consistent flow in all that I do

I commit myself to realize that this is a process and there will be new points and problems that will creep up so i commit myself to deal with it as I have done with other problems and realize that i do have the power and overcome them as have chose to do it.

Day 104 - Time, Irritability and expectations

 

Over the last few days since my last blog I haven't yet written a blog. I didn't ant to write something, because I thought I did not make any progress. I had an expectation that my stomach problem would be better right away and because it was not better I had the belief that i failed so i was pretty much moping the last few days. 

I had a closer look at myself and my actions and what I have notices is that I have become more aware of myself. I would see myself walking fast - then stop and walk slow. I would see myself becoming tense  - then slow down and breath. Irritated I stop it breathe and slow down.

So i did not fail - I have in fact made progress. I have been hard myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an expectation on how fast my problem will solve it self

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that just because i did not met my expectation then it means i did something wrong and I failed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not living up to peoples expectations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disappointed with myself, because  did not meet my expectations

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that things take time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that i did in fact make progress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look past the progress i have made, because I believed it was not enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so hard on myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I create more anxiety when I do not meet my expectations and believed i have failed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the idea of time, the belief that things must not take time - it should be very fast - not realizing that things do take time.

I commit myself to stop creating expectations

I commit myself to stop the belief that if something takes long I must be doming something wrong - instead I realize that things do take time

I commit myself to being disappointed with myself - instead I realize that i can only be disappointed if i created an expectation or if i did not do something to the best of my ability - in that case i realize the mistake and move on

I commit myself to stop the fear of not being able to live up to peoples expectations - instead i  realize its my expectations.

I commit myself to stop being hard on myself - instead i take note of my progress and make sure i do not beat myself up when I make mistakes

I commit myself to not allow something like disappointment and failures to bring me down and make me inconsistent - instead I push though the point here now and not postpone. I realize that ill walk through the point anyway so i might as well do it now.

Day 103 - Living Life Around the Clock

 

This is a continuation of the previous post here. Going right into it:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life around the clock and always worry about the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough time to get to all the things I need to and then be anxious all the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base who i am depending on what time it is - that different times indicate different modes for how I should be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush with everything i do - to want it to be done fast so that I can get to the next task faster

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in this fear experience constant anxiety and become tense and worked up always fearing i wont have time for everything

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that i only have 24 hours a day and 7 days a week - its all the time I have, and that my body only has two hands thus i cannot get more time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that worrying all the time accomplishes  nothing, but that I am actually wasting  the time I have on worrying all the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I look at the time - to become more anxious and experience fear within myself - and that that fear becomes more as the day goes by, because as he hours tick by so does the time i have to do things.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that time does not dictate who I am, but that I am the one who dictates who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that time is there as reference and practicality and not something to base my life and who I am on.

I commit myself to whenever i look at the time to not fear and become anxious - and if I do to then stop the fear of not having enough time. I realize that I can only do so much and if i do not get to something then i simply don't

I commit myself to stop rushing everything i do, but to slow down and breathe and be here in the moment

I commit myself to stop walking fast all the time - instead i walk at a steady pace and take notice to the world around me - the grass, the trees, the insects and life that i have missed.

I commit myself to stop worrying about everything - to stop the anxiety i always feel and to realize that i am giving myself less time when i worry.

I commit myself to stop being directed by time - instead i direct the time i have in order to use the time effectively.

I commit myself to remain constant - no matter what the time is - and when i feel myself getting tense and anxious to stop it and slow down and breathe.

Day 102 - There's never enough Time

 

Worrying about Time. Living my life around Time. Time dictates what i do and who i am.

I have found more points regarding being anxious all the time - Time

I am constantly worrying about Time - never having enough of it. I worry about the future and what might happen . I worry about the time that has already passed and i cannot have it back. I worry so much about time that  I never here in the moment, but always in the future or the past.

It is a known fact that stress causes physical harm to the body - it affects the body although its only a feeling. The same goes with sadness, anger rage and other emotions. Anxiety also affects the body - it gets the heart racing among other things. For me it came with me not being able to have a decent crap anymore.

the past 5 months I have daily been constipated, diarrhea, abdominal pain, bloated and very gassy. I never thought you can be constipated and have diarrhea in the same day but there you go.

The symptoms are exactly those of having IBS - irritable bowl syndrome. Here is  extracts from this site:

IBS, this disorder is characterized by abdominal pain, cramping, bloating, gas, constipation, and diarrhea

Approximately one in five adults in the United States has IBS

There is no known specific cause

 research has found that 50 to 90 percent have a psychiatric disorder such as an anxiety disorder

There is also no cure for IBS - only ways to relieve the symptoms

 

For me I am absolutely certain that anxiety and fear is what is causing my symptoms - so it will make sense to get rid of the anxiety so will the symptoms - we will see. On many sites some ways of treating IBS symptoms is medication to lessen the anxiety - this is suppressing it, not getting rid of it.

The first question is who created the anxiety within me? I did. Sure something outside myself triggers it - but I am creating the feeling - I am allowing an event to make me feel anxious. Most people believe they do not have a choice in how they experience themselves, but the truth is you choose to experience yourself a certain way. Its a Choice made. Change the choice, Change the experience.

Time - I have realized that I only have two hands and 24 hours a day do to things. There in no way for me to get more time. I actually have less time, because I am wasting it on worrying. So there is no point in worrying. its a waste of time.

More on this tomorrow.

Day 101 - Anxiety Character Revisited

 

Since my last blog about anxiety it has improved allot, but what i have found is that although its less it still exist within me. Here is an extract on some of the points I worked with:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the anxiety character when somebody asks me questions about myself because i fear sharing myself to others and that i wont be able to effectively share myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I lay down on the bed to rest for a while to into this anxiety character - because I fear doing nothing and see it as wasting time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this character is real and has power over me by controlling my actions and who i am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the anxiety character when i am faced with a new challenge, because I fear I will not be able to walk through it not realizing that I cannot know if im able to do it or not unless i do it and find out

So since then I have found some more points to add  which will follow now:

I forgive  myself that i have accepted  and allowed myself  to live anticipating the worst thinking about all the things that could go wrong within my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the belief that if i am not perfect within who i am and what I do go into anxiety because then that means I am doing something wrong

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be here in the moment and to realize that if I always worry about the future I  am missing out on my life here now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at times suddenly become very anxious thing I have forgot something important when in fact i did not.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear forgetting things - especially things that are important - because If I forget it will have consequences and thus I am anxious

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to when someone says my name very loudly to go into fear and anxiety that i have done something wrong

I commit myself to stop anticipating the worst and to worry about the future , instead I bring myself here and live in moment dealing with the problems when they present themselves

I commit myself to realize that this is a process and that i am not yet perfect and it doesn't’ mean that i am doing something wrong.

I commit myself to be here in the moment so that I do not miss out on what is here now

I commit myself to stop fearing that i am forgetting things and to instead realize that if i live in the moment here i will not forget things. If im constantly worrying about the future then i will not be here and thus forget what i do here.

I commit myself to to stop allowing events to direct me life such as someone calling my voice loudly, instead i stop the anxiety

Day 100 - Loss of habitat

 

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2213440/Wolves-mountain-lions-poised-invade-densely-populated-cities-United-States.html

Wild animals are starting to move into urban areas because loss of habitat due to human destruction/development.

Humans and wildlife DO NOT go together well. If a wild animal like a bear or lion is found in an urban are its a risk to the safety of humans and is often shot and killed. Now this is becoming a big problem.

They are being killed and more animals are becoming endangered due to us wanting to develop. Development is seen as good in today's world and its good for business and the economy. But an disaster to nature. Forest are being cut down to meet demand of wood and the space used to grow food. We will not be able to live on this world when they eventually cut down the last rain forest. The earths forests are essential for all living beings but the problem is ignored, because it makes allot of money.

Yes - money. Money is more important than life. Its a accepted fact.

So lets say money is not part of the equation and we finally realize that you cannot obtain oxygen with money - how will this problem be faced were animals don't have homes? we will firstly stop destroying their homes - with money no longer required to live there no need to cut down trees to sell, or the space used to more food. There alternatives to wood and there is already enough food production to feed 13 billion people.

Then we start repairing the damage we have done - like growing back the forest and stay away from it. The solutions are endless and limitless when money is not part of it.

Clearly th e only solution is an alternative World system. As long as money rules nature is doomed followed eventually by us. Join and be one vote for world equality  - for earth.

Day 99 - Liking things just to be liked

 

Times when i am asked if a show is good I would hesitate and go into a little fear before I answer, because what if I say its good and then they do not like it and then I fear their judgements. The same with games and food.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when someone asks me if I like this show to hesitate in my answer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying I like something, because I fear I will be judged if they do not like it and I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to When in a group when the group says they like something to say I also like it even though I do not so that I can fit in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when someone asks me what food is good to fear telling them, because I fear if they eat it and not like it they will be anger at me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in saying I like things just to fit in and to be accepted by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want approval from others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I want others to accept me then I do not accept myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when someone asks me what food is good to fear telling them, because I fear if they eat it and not like it they will be anger at me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that liking and not liking something is based on who the person is, where the person is born, how the person is raised. what etc.

I commit myself to to stop the fear of someone judging me on what I like and do not like and thus stop the hesitation and speak out

I commit myself to stop compromising myself by saying I like stuff wanting to be accepted by others  and to instead accept myself

I commit myself to stop fearing others reactions like anger and disappointed when they ask me what food is good by simply telling them what food I like

I commit myself to stop being directed by others and stop basing my decision  on how other will react and instead direct myself

I commit myself to to stop judging others who like different things than I do

Day 98 - Big Spenders in a Country of Poor

 

Zulu King Goodwill Zwelithini and his wives are massive spenders, Last month he asked the Government for R30 million to build some new palaces.

Imagine that - R30 million? And the government budgeted for 2011 /2012 was R55 million.

That is allot of money. Here is am extract from this site HERE:

 

In order to build Queen Zola KaMafu, a Swazi beauty queen, a brand spanking new palace, King Goodwill Zwelithini has asked for an extra R5 million (as well as R12 million for a new house at the Nyonkeni Palace) to be added to his budget. Apparently the 2012/2013 allowance of R59.5 million (which includes a R4 million increase compared to the previous year) is not good enough.

Poor King.

How can one afford a new palace if the budget only caters for support services such as car maintenance, clothes for the queens, an annual salary of some R1.5 million and his kids’ school fees (R35.278 million); the refurbishment and renovation of palaces (R20.484 million); and the maintenance of the various Royal farms (R3.6 million)?

 

I want to know why this is allowed? How can you justify spending this much money on self interest while living in a country with millions of poor and hungry people who have no chance to make something for themselves? If this money was to be redirected to helping the poor to give them homes and food and education the number poverty will  GREATLY decline in South Africa. So why is this not done? Greed selfishness - the government does exactly the same thing so they do not want to stop this abuse and corruption. Because that would mean the end of their ridiculously lavish lifestyles!

Another extract from the same site :

• The 2007/2008 financial Royal Budget amounted to R36 million – which was overspent by R3-million.
• For the subsequent (2008/2009) financial year, the Royal Household Department received R39.356 million – an increase of R3.3 million from the previous year. Some R593k went to emergency repairs to the king’s five palaces, R229k was spent on Royal travel and accommodation, R165k on consultants, and R15k on a coming-of-age ceremony. The 2008/2009 Budget was again overspent, this time by by R8.4m (this equals to some 25% of the total budget, people!
• Despite the over-expenditures of 2008/2009), R40.643 million was given to South Africa’s Royal Affairs for 2009/2010. Whilst presenting the budget, KZN Premier Zweli Mkhize stressed the Department of the Royal Household would not overspend this time. The budget was eventually overrun by R2.7 million.
• The 2010/2011 Budget for Goodwill Zwelithini’s upkeep was set at R43.8 million (of which he had apparently had to pay back R3 million due to the previous year’s overspending). I could not find figures on overspending.
• The 2011/2012 Royal Budget, a whooping R55 million, was over-run by R4.451 million.
• The above brings the total overspent amount between 2007 and 2012 to about R18 million. Forgive me if I am wrong.
• In 2006, Goodwill Zwelithini’s exchanged his household’s fleet of Toyota Corollas for six new Mercedes-Benz E200 Kompressor cars (for himself and his Queens). Price tag: R2.3m. This would not have been a massive problem if the 2005/2006 and 2006/2007 budgets had not been overspent by respectively R2.5 million and R3.5 million.
• In 2006, apart from the luxury cars mentioned above, King Goodwill Zwelithini bought himself a lavish Hillcrest home worth R2.5 million. The villa had to serve as his pied a terre in Durban to save on hotel and transport costs. In 2005, the king apparently spent R500k in one single month on travel and accommodation for himself and his entourage. The purchase would not have been a problem if the 2005/2006 and 2006/2007 budgets had not been overspent by respectively R2.5 million and R3.5 million. However, the main objection of the villa – which was supposed to save money – is that it has never used.
• In 2000, “over half a million rand” was spent on the King’s 52^nd birthday, a bash that took place in New Castle. Exact figures around the costs were not released due to “confidentiality”.
• In August 2011, Goodwill Zwelithini celebrated his 40^th year reign over his kingdom. Thousands of high-profile guests attended the main party, which took place at the KwaKhethomthandayo Palace, Nongoma. The entire celebration lasted an entire month. Price tag: ± R600.000.

And with all of this we have people striking to get a raise to have at least a capable living - This money spent by the King should be illegal, because it is a crime against life - to say screw the poor i want my riches! People are dying so that these people can have a rich life.

 

Things like this will never exist in a Equal Money system. Even now we should have a Basic Income Grant - instead of government officials, politicians and kings getting all the taxes for their own selfish greed it should be allocated to those who REALLY need it. That  act alone will end poverty in South Africa.

This kind of abuse must end it now - vote to end abuse at www.equalmoney.org