Day 104 - Time, Irritability and expectations

 

Over the last few days since my last blog I haven't yet written a blog. I didn't ant to write something, because I thought I did not make any progress. I had an expectation that my stomach problem would be better right away and because it was not better I had the belief that i failed so i was pretty much moping the last few days. 

I had a closer look at myself and my actions and what I have notices is that I have become more aware of myself. I would see myself walking fast - then stop and walk slow. I would see myself becoming tense  - then slow down and breath. Irritated I stop it breathe and slow down.

So i did not fail - I have in fact made progress. I have been hard myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an expectation on how fast my problem will solve it self

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that just because i did not met my expectation then it means i did something wrong and I failed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not living up to peoples expectations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disappointed with myself, because  did not meet my expectations

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that things take time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that i did in fact make progress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look past the progress i have made, because I believed it was not enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so hard on myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I create more anxiety when I do not meet my expectations and believed i have failed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the idea of time, the belief that things must not take time - it should be very fast - not realizing that things do take time.

I commit myself to stop creating expectations

I commit myself to stop the belief that if something takes long I must be doming something wrong - instead I realize that things do take time

I commit myself to being disappointed with myself - instead I realize that i can only be disappointed if i created an expectation or if i did not do something to the best of my ability - in that case i realize the mistake and move on

I commit myself to stop the fear of not being able to live up to peoples expectations - instead i  realize its my expectations.

I commit myself to stop being hard on myself - instead i take note of my progress and make sure i do not beat myself up when I make mistakes

I commit myself to not allow something like disappointment and failures to bring me down and make me inconsistent - instead I push though the point here now and not postpone. I realize that ill walk through the point anyway so i might as well do it now.

Faith like Avocados

Since I was child I liked growing things and watching them grow. I worked in the garden with my mother. The first tree I remember growing was an Avocado.

The simplicity in this is what fascinated me, because by placing the Avocado pit with three tooth picks and halfway in water it will start to develop roots. I liked following the progress, as the pit splits and a root comes out and then the top side comes out with the first set of leaves.

I had two of them growing and when they were finally big enough we planted them out in the garden. Shortly after that we went on holiday, but my father could not come with so we asked him to water them. Can’t remember how long we were away or were we went, but when we came back both trees were dead. I was quite upset and found out that my father forgot to water them.

Now what happened to me there was that I made a connection to the avocado tree as being fragile, and since then there was anxiety within me when working with plants and trees. I became overly protective, because I didn’t want them to die.

As well as a connection to my father that I can’t trust him with a task like this. These were unconscious thoughts and happened in that one moment and I lived by that even now as I’m writing this. I never saw this before.
I didn’t try and grow another avocado tree after that, but it was still my favorite
.
I did try once again after about 10 years and had ended up having a 2m high avocado tree, but had to move so I never saw it grow bigger. I did go back a to check up on it, but the new owners had it cut down. Lol. I was a bit angry at that.

Before we came to the farm I had another go at three Avocado pits. One died of shock soon after planting. Another died of carelessness and being accidentally cut by a grass cutter.
And one Still remains and is growing steadily standing about 1.2m high.

Here on the farm we have lots and lots of fruit trees. We wanted to grow lots of avocado, but fascinating enough, they all died save for one.
If I look at my experience with fruit trees I had that anxiety every time I worked with them – overly careful when pruning, always afraid of giving to much water and not enough water - because I saw them as fragile and didn’t want them to die. If someone else did something to the tree without me knowing about it I would get very angry at that person. I saw the trees as my trees and as long as I know what’s going on I have control.

For 16 years that single event dictated how I will interact with trees. And it was an idea, a perception, a believe according to my current understanding when I was young.

This is so for many points in our lives. We live according to how we programmed ourselves when we grew up. And it is not supportive.
With the Desteni I Process I see these points. Look at events on my life and how it has affected my daily living and then reprogram myself to stop it dictating my life and directing me.

Then I become the director in my life by writing my own script.