Day 286: Relationships – Why this Desire will be the end of you.

 

I  know the title may sound a tad bit dramatic, but so is life so sit back and relax and continue reading – you just might learn something. We all have this – the desire to be with someone. It becomes more prominent in our teenage years where most of that time is spent on chasing or finding “ THE ONE”. I know I had my fair share of chasing and trying to find somebody to love. It’s a dangerous thing really – Desire - and I’ll show you why.

Desire is something that will completely direct and control your life. Desire is such a feel good feeling that we simply give into without much fight. Desire is something that will override any common sense or particular principles you live by – you simply forget all of that and follow the desire no matter where the road ends. That is what makes Desire so dangerous – you lose direction in your life by giving in to desire.

I’m sure many of us had those moments – where the point of desire stares you right in the face and all you have to do is give in, lean in and grab it – no matter the consequences. And at that moment all common sense fades away and it just feels right.

For me it was a girl, a long time ago. You know the story: Boy meets girl, they become best friends, after time they become more. The only twist was that the girl had a boyfriend. Now I am what you would call a nice guy. I always saw myself as a person who would not date a girl who already has a boyfriend, but my desire showed me otherwise. I remember what went through my head – what made me do it. This desire for relationships simply took over any reasoning or common sense or morals or principles I lived by – I simply said F**k that and gave in. And so began a secret behind the scenes relationship rooted from desire.

So that’s a simple example of Desire. The problem with Desire and what makes it so dangerous is that it’s something we really really want. We do not want to look at it objectively and let it go when we know it will not benefit our lives or who we are. Instead we want to chase that desire, that feel good feeling. When it comes to the desire for relationships – we meet someone and we really want to make it work – simply because we desire having a relationship. What most do not see here is that it’s not the other person they actually like, but it’s the idea of having a relationship that they are after. So in the end it has very little to do with the actual person you found, but rather its all about having the desire of relationship fulfilled.

And that is no way of actually living – chasing this desire or idea of relationship. Would it not be better if it was real? Curing aloneness is not by being with somebody else. Chasing relationships is not the answer to filling the emptiness you feel. The first step is getting to know yourself, and being comfortable with yourself, and caring for yourself and loving yourself.

A real relationship has nothing to do with fulfillment or desire – it’s taking responsibility for another being and supporting them to be the best they can be. Now, what does that mean exactly? Let us see the answer in the next blog

Day 252 - Why so Stubborn?

Stubborn word Definition:

Having or showing dogged determination not to change one's attitude or position on something, especially in spite of good reasons to do so.
 
Have you ever had these moments in life where you dealt with people being absolutely stubborn in every sense of the word? And try as you might, no matter what you said or to show the person did not want to see what you were saying despite the facts clearly being there. I had a few of those, dealing with very stubborn people. And I could not understand why.

Have you ever had these moments in life where you had to deal with a person who insisted with absolute certainty that you said something, but you were sure you did not? And despite the fact that the person had clear evidence you refused to acknowledge that you did say it. Then afterwards you remembered you did in fact say it… I had a few of those as well.

So here are two events showing the same thing from the stubborn person and the other pointing thing out. The problem with Stubborn is that you refuse to listen to anything the other person shows you and believe you are the only person that is right in that particular moment no matter what the person says or shows. It’s an “I am right, you are wrong” thing.

When do you know when you are being stubborn? It starts with a reaction to what the other person said or showed; it’s like taking it personally and then you immediately go into a defensive position. So now you have this irritation and frustration building inside yourself and the only to defend yourself is to not believe a word the other person is saying and stick to you being right no matter what.

Now there is another dimension – being stubborn with yourself. Sounds silly but we all have these inner wars where we see a point within ourselves that needs to change, but then we go into being stubbornness and hold to that point, refusing to let it go or consider other options


When you do find yourself in this position the best thing you can do for yourself is to stop it. Stop and consider for a moment that the other person is trying to assist you and that what they are saying might actually be right. Look at the information without judgment and without taking it personally to access if what is being said is true or not. If you stick to being Stubborn then nothing is going to change. All you are doing harming the relationship you have with the other person and giving up an opportunity to better yourself.

So Next time ask yourself – Why so Stubborn? What’s the point? Is it is really worth it?
Now there is another dimension – being stubborn with yourself.

Day 212 - Can I Live without Frustration?

 

Anger, frustration and irritation – these fall into the same category, but they are all different. You can be frustrated, because you are irritated at the anger you experiencing. Today I am going to look specifically at the word Frustration. So what is frustration exactly? How do you get frustrated?

Simply put – frustration is when you have an expectation of how something should be and when it does not meet that expectation you become frustrated. So when you at it the cause of frustration is expectation.

Let’s say that today I am going to fix a tap that is a bit loose. The tap is attached to the sink and I see that the reason it is loose is because of a nut that is not tight. To fix this I would have to tighten the nut – I conclude that this task should be quick and simple. I get my spanner and go under the sink and encounter a big problem – my spanner cannot reach the nut, because there is no space to put my spanner. Since I do not have any other tool that can fit there I will have to use my hands.. So I use my hands only to find I cannot tighten the bolt enough by hand. By now I am getting frustrated, because the task is not simple or quick as I previously thought it would be.

The problem above is that I had an expectation before I started the task. We always have an expectation of how something should be, but reality is allot different from imagination. We cannot always see the outcome of something and having expectations you are setting yourself up for frustration.

Another example would be relationships. This a big one, because when entering a relationship you have expectations. Not only you, but the other person you are in relationship with also has expectations. So now you have 2 people with expectations and when they do not meet you get quite allot of frustration.

Frustration and expectation go hand in hand. To me more specific here – unrealistic expectations are the problem. When we look at something we use imagination and personal influences so when that meets reality we soon find out they are not the same. This physical reality is allot different from our mind/imagination.

So when you look at something like a simple repair job you can assess what the likely cause is and go about repairing it according to that, but sometimes you won’t see the whole picture and the tasks will be more difficult or take longer than you previously thought, but to get all frustrated will change nothing. The only thing frustration does is hurt you and sometimes it will hurt you physically – like trying to hammer in a stubborn nail while being frustrated at the nail will most likely cause you to hammer your thumb.

The most effective thing when you are doing something or about to do something is to let go of any and all expectations – you cannot know the full extent of the tasks ahead of you. You can prepare yourself as effectively as you are able yes, but expectations are useless.

All in all the key to get Rid of future frustrations is to let go of expectations.

Day 205: Anger - The Inner self created Hell

 

 

  Anger is often described as an all-consuming fire that rages within. And that is a pretty accurate description. So what is it that lights the fire? What is it starts the spark and sets loose the anger within? What is the fuel that keeps it going? It could be many things or one thing – maybe someone insulted you or there is a crazy driver in front of you. Maybe you took something personally or you are tired of something. Whatever the reason there is only answer as to what or who puts the match to the inner fire of anger - ME.

Whatever the reason is the anger is always created by yourself. If someone insults me and I get angry – I am the one who allowed the anger within me. The same in any situation – I am always the one creating the anger.

For example a few months ago I developed back problems. Now I was very active physically so a bad back made it almost impossible for me to do simple things. Eventually the whole situation made me angry. What happened then is that whenever my back hurt I would get angry – so I linked anger to my back pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry because I am unable to do things I usually could since my back got hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this anger and became quickly reactive and irritable.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I created this anger within myself and that I am the one who allowed it to continue exist within me – within this I am the only one who can let it go.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to when I am angry to feed the anger by with thoughts and backchat to keep the anger going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at myself, because I judged myself as being useless. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself a useless and whenever I was unable to do a task to allow myself to create anger within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whenever my back pain got bad to immediately react with anger – instead of breathing through it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link my back pain directly to anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the anger and not let go of the anger and stop it as soon as it comes up.

I commit myself to realize that I am always the one who creates the reactions within myself and that I am responsible for every one of them.

I commit myself to stop getting angry at myself when I am unable to do something – instead I breathe and realize that anger will not solve anything

I commit myself to when I do get angry to stop the anger and immediately let it go and not to feed the anger with backchat and thoughts.

I commit myself to stop judging myself as being useless and getting angry about it – instead I do what I am able to and realize that it is all I can do.

I commit myself to stop linking my back pain to anger – instead when the pain comes I breathe through it and do not react.

So yes – pain is painful, but it is useless and pointless to get all angry about it. In the End it is not the pain that causes anger. I create I anger.

I have grown immensely ever since being part of the DesteniProcess. There are many people part of this process and today I am going to give the spotlight on 2 people namely myself and Bernard.

I am sitting here looking for words to express how grateful I am for all the support I have received over the years from Desteni and Bernard, but no words really comes close.  I have changed over the years – to go from a shy, silent type, with zero leadership skills to a person who works with people and has developed leadership and communication skills. This was something I thought I would never achieve in my life – being able to lead.

I have also developed a point of stability within myself. Before, I was so unsure of myself –always doubting myself and my abilities and mostly avoiding people. I had so much fear of the future and worried about it. The point of stability that I have is that I realized: no matter what comes my way – no matter what happens and no matter what I face – I am able to get past it, I am able to get through it. It may be difficult or something I have never faced before, but I trust myself that I am able to deal with it.

Now, you the reader may not fully grasp just how amazing this achievement is for someone like me, because you do not know who I was and how I was. I believed Self-trust was impossible for me, yet here I am. This is what Desteni is all about – YOURSELF! This is something that is greatly misunderstood by the cyberbullies and haters – I can attest to the fact that what they write are but opinions and beliefs based on …nothing substantial, because  I write from over 8 years hands-on experience with walking and living the Desteni Tools as well as living with Bernard. I write from actual facts – with me as the living proof. I don’t know about you the reader, but I only go by facts.

The facts are these:

I have changed. I have developed a strength within myself that I never thought possible. And I did that myself. When you build something out of wood like a table you need tools, right? You will need a hammer and nails as tools to build this particular table. So once you are done building you say “I built this myself” – of course you could not have done this without the hammer and nails, you could not have built the table without the tools. This is what Desteni is – A tool to use to support and assist yourself to grow and build yourself. Who is Bernard within all of this? Here was a man that decided not to accept poverty, war, suffering , abuse and greed and all those fucked up things in this world as just something  that is ‘acceptable’ / ‘the way life is supposed to be’ / ‘how humans have always been and will be’. See, we all simply say that suffering is a part of life – Bernard said it is unacceptable.

He lived his life investigating everything and kept what is good. He actually cared. Remember caring is not a feeling – caring is an action. He lived to find ways for all humans and animals to never suffer again. What he found as one of the problems is obviously humans – we cause the suffering of animals and to each other. So to change the world is to change the human and he started with himself. Then he shared what he found.  He lived by a principle – to live according to what is best for all. People get confused when they read or hear “ best for all” – as if it is something alien and impossible. But it is simple – would you say that hurting another is what is best for all? No. Would you say that having water, housing and food is what is best for all? Yes

Desteni is a group of people living by a principle – not by one person. Bernard is dead, but that does not change Desteni – Desteni is a group dedicating our lives to find ways to change this world into a place where suffering and abuse is non-existent. People say it is impossible, because that is very easy to say. They say it is unrealistic, because it is easy to say that – then they do not have to change who they are or do anything to MAKE it Possible. I have done the Impossible for myself with the TOOLS of Desteni. Impossible is the words I’m possible. Living by a principle of what is best for all is probably the most difficult thing you can face – that is why people turn to slander, because they are afraid to live like that. So – if you are dedicated and have guts and actually care about the billions that suffer as you read these words then join us. I am the living proof and fact of how effective the Desteni tools are.

It is not impossible to end suffering and abuse. 

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