Day 104 - Time, Irritability and expectations

 

Over the last few days since my last blog I haven't yet written a blog. I didn't ant to write something, because I thought I did not make any progress. I had an expectation that my stomach problem would be better right away and because it was not better I had the belief that i failed so i was pretty much moping the last few days. 

I had a closer look at myself and my actions and what I have notices is that I have become more aware of myself. I would see myself walking fast - then stop and walk slow. I would see myself becoming tense  - then slow down and breath. Irritated I stop it breathe and slow down.

So i did not fail - I have in fact made progress. I have been hard myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an expectation on how fast my problem will solve it self

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that just because i did not met my expectation then it means i did something wrong and I failed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not living up to peoples expectations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disappointed with myself, because  did not meet my expectations

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that things take time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that i did in fact make progress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look past the progress i have made, because I believed it was not enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so hard on myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I create more anxiety when I do not meet my expectations and believed i have failed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the idea of time, the belief that things must not take time - it should be very fast - not realizing that things do take time.

I commit myself to stop creating expectations

I commit myself to stop the belief that if something takes long I must be doming something wrong - instead I realize that things do take time

I commit myself to being disappointed with myself - instead I realize that i can only be disappointed if i created an expectation or if i did not do something to the best of my ability - in that case i realize the mistake and move on

I commit myself to stop the fear of not being able to live up to peoples expectations - instead i  realize its my expectations.

I commit myself to stop being hard on myself - instead i take note of my progress and make sure i do not beat myself up when I make mistakes

I commit myself to not allow something like disappointment and failures to bring me down and make me inconsistent - instead I push though the point here now and not postpone. I realize that ill walk through the point anyway so i might as well do it now.

Day 80 - Expectations And Heated Arguments

 

Today I presented an idea I had - i was expecting a good response from the idea, but instead i got a negative response which made me angry and resulted in an argument

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have an expectation of a good response on the idea that i presented

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry when I got an opposite response to what I was expecting

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to get consumed by this anger and to become directed by it and started to argue about the point

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to out of my expectation to defend my idea to force a good response from the other person

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations in my life based on my ideas and  beliefs - not realizing that the mind creates expectations and that the physical does not work out the same as I expect it to

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to keep on defending and justifying my idea and try to CONvince the other person that they are wrong an that i am right

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to in this point of wanting to be right and defensive to try and make myself as knowing better that the other person and make them to be inferior to my knowledge of the point as to invalidate them so that i can win

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that i am being directed by emotions and that my words and actions in this possessive state is not my own

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to defend my idea because I fear it being a stupid idea and being ridiculed - and to keep this fear at bay I go through all this trouble above - instead of realizing that i am not being self directed if I allow fear to  direct me

I commit myself to stop all expectations 

I commit myself to stop being directed by the anger - but to stop it instead so that I can be self directed

I commit myself to not become angry when something happens that i did not consider - and when i get angry I stop the anger before speaking another word - because then it is not me

I commit myself to stop trying to defend my ideas, but to rather explain the idea more effectively  and if it is not practical or doable to then simply let it go

I commit myself to stop trying to convince others that i am right - and to stop trying and invalidate the other person and bring them down and make them inferior just so that I can be right  - if I am absolutely right then there will be no need to convince the other person

I commit myself to stop the fear of having a stupid idea and being ridiculed - but to instead see it as an opportunity  to expand myself and become more effective when i get feedback from others  - without feedback i will not be able to become more effective in what i do