Day 158 - Uselessness

 

I Have touched on the subject in my other blog post of me seeing myself as weak and not strong in my previous post, Before I continue with that I’'m going to write about another point that came up within that which is uselessness.

Its been almost 9 months since my first symptoms started of the Grave disease that I have. Before that I have been mostly busy with physical work. That was what I did during my days - got physical with the earth and I enjoyed it and got quite good at it. I have been unable to do any physical work for almost 6 months now and going from being outside doing physical work to being inside the house was a massive change to my schedule. It was like a whole new world and a new chapter in my life. People had to take over from me the things I used to be able to do and within that I felt useless. Some people would have liked the experience of others doing your bidding (lol), but I did not. I had this experience and energetic reaction within myself whenever I had to ask someone to assist me which was in part the reason for my previous post on hurting my back.

Basically I felt useless, because I could not do what I usually did and was good at - that took me time effort to become effective within it which also brought up anger towards myself for the situation I placed myself in. What I did not realize is that I have been doing things for other people that did not have the time as well as other important things. Although they are not physical work I have not been in fact useless and it is just a belief I had. Now that I have been feeling better I started to take on more responsibility and activities - all new experiences for me so that has been cool.

The most labour intensive task I do now is probably the most difficult thing I have ever done and struggle with greatly is.....cleaning. Seriously - I would clean the one day and by the next day I question my sanity, because the house is dirty again and I could have sworn I cleaned it the previous day. At least with mixing cement, throwing concrete and building walls once your done its done and stays that way for many, many years. With cleaning its like I'm getting nowhere. I feel a bit sorry for my parents who had to clean up after me all those years ago. So yes - I learn new things and thus expanding on all that My abilities so that one day I can say - I have done it all.

Back to my original point. A big change came upon my life and I looked at it negatively and saw it as Grave and the end of my world, But it was just the beginning of a new chapter bringing new opportunities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am useless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, because I believed I was useless just because I was not able to do anything that I used to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an energetic reaction and thoughts of 'I'm useless' whenever I had to ask someone to do something for me that I used to do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally accept the support that was given to me and instead be irritated when someone offered help, because I saw me being unable to do it as me being weak and useless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at this big change in my life as something bad and immediately reacted negatively to it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see this change as A new experience, a new chapter in my life with new opportunities and ways to leant more about myself to expand myself.

I commit myself to stop the belief of me being useless - instead I realize that I am doing other things and am in fact not useless

I commit myself to stop being angry for the situation I am and realize I placed myself here and to make the best of it

I commit myself to stop looking at this change as something bad/negative just because I cant do the things I used to do and was good at - instead I take with me all that I have learnt about myself while working with the earth and be grateful for the opportunity

I commit myself to accept assistance without reacting towards it as me being useless just because I am not able to do it myself anymore

I commit myself to realize that I have a great opportunity within this change in my life to learn new things and expand myself.

What is Strength Really?

 

Strength and Weakness - Here I am going to look at the definitions of the words strength and weakness, how I defined the words in the past and how I redefined them for myself now

Here I will start with how I looked at strength/weakness in school:

In school, strength and weakness played a role. In sports you want to be strong to be a good player - make the team to show your friends and the girls how strong you are. If you don't make the team, you are weak. I was never a sports fan and neither were my friends. I was a surfer and skateboarder and we used to make fun of the ''jocks'' taking sports so seriously, but most of these jocks were friends as well.

Strength was ego. Strength was muscles. Strength was not crying.  Bullies showed their strength by picking on the weak. Strength was competition to always be better than others. Strength was being a rebel and breaking the rules. Weakness was being beaten by bullies. Weakness was being the silent type. Weakness was being the weirdo, the geek, the loser, the ugly and the guy who never managed to get a girl. Weakness was not ''going with the flow'' and not doing what everybody else was doing. Weakness was being smart. Strength was good - Weakness was bad.

I was neither strong or weak in school, but could see how important it was in terms of being accepted or rejected. To sum it up - Strength and weakness had a lot to do with outer appearances and how you ''acted'' /behaved and interacted within your social environment. So, strength and weakness did not only go to physical appearance/muscle, but also extending to personality/characteristics/behavior and one’s position/place within the social networks/environments.

Now, here are some relationships between strength and weakness when having a look at human nature:

Now let’s look at it from a global scale. Strength Is Military - countries flexing their military muscles, physically and through machinery/systems/weapons to show they are better - competition. Just like in school where strength is muscles and the machinery/artillery/weapons are what characteristics/personality traits/behaviors can be used to ‘show off’ ‘strength’ on a ‘mental level’. Thus participating in this idea we accept and allow war to exist even within ourselves, in our ‘small worlds’, from childhood. For example: Weakness is seen to be 3rd World Countries along with the poor. We accept and allow poverty to exist, because we would rather flex military muscle / money and not risk our economy - than aiding the poor to eradicate poverty - otherwise we risk being equal, where strength and weakness does not exist: As in, “I can’t be strong unless others are weak, so therefore – I will keep the weak in their place, so that I can remain in my definition of strong”. Like in school where you would rather beat and pick on the "weaklings" instead of assisting and supporting them, and by doing this in the ‘small worlds’ - you accept and allow it to exist in the ‘big world’ where the strong prey on the weak, where the rich prey on the poor, and so we in the small and the big accept and allow the consequence of the polarity of strength and weakness, of poverty and the rich. Because, for the ‘strong to exist’, the ‘weak must exist’ – and so therefore, we will not change because of that definition of who we are in/as the illusion, idea, perception and belief of what it means to be ‘strong’. So, as children – we ‘prey’ on the weak, as grown-ups – we ‘prey’ on the weak; it’s an inherent accepted and allowed nature within us humans, where you’re stuck in either the strong/weak polarity and/or on the ‘outside’, mentally, physically or because of your life/living conditions. Why are we individually and collectively accepting and allowing such a polarity to exist within us? Why have we not considered equality, assistance, support?

Fast forward a few years with me starting with the Desteni process and me being on the farm. Everything I have learnt about strength and weakness throughout my life was not real - it is all just an act - a means to fit in and a means of survival to always be the best. ''The Strong will prosper and the weak will perish'' - so we beat on the weak so that we look stronger and better.

Strength - what is it really? Here is how I see strength now:

Strength is me - I am strength. It is not something outside myself like muscles or acting - It is who I am as a presence, as a ‘way of being/living’. In this, this self-strength is not defined by/through being attached to a polarity of weak/weakness, meaning there isn’t something/someone in my outside world that I use/abuse to make me feel strong/superior. Strength is/should be a living expression, a stand of character, a stability of presence. Meaning, it is a form of stability and self-trust that no matter what you face in life there is a knowing and certainty that you are able to walk through it. Strength is being consistent. Strength is walking through resistance you experience inside yourself and push through and always be self-directed. Strength is to not accept and allow your actions and who you are to harm another being. Strength is to become the change you want to see in this world.

Weakness Is a gift - whenever I fall on a point it is not a point of judgement saying I'm too weak for this'', but rather it shows where I am not yet effective. My own personal Life Trainer/Buddy that reveals where I require some direction.

I will continue in the next post expanding more on strength to give some practical examples of how I have come to redefine strength for me

Day 156 - Ask and you shall receive - Or Be silent and suffer

 

 

The heading seems a bit gloomy and doomy, which is how I feel today. I’ll start with words of wisdom that each one should take to heart and live by, for it will make your life easier and take away some of the struggle: ''Read the Manual''

With most things that require assembling, like a cupboard or a table - they include this piece of paper that has all the instructions on how to assemble it. Some people completely ignore this ‘holy grail’ believing they do not need such a thing - stubbornly claiming ''I can do it myself '' or " I'm a manly man and manuals are mainly for plainly wussy people''. Most of the time this stubbornness leads to a scene of a very irritated ''manly man'' struggling to assemble the thing and in his effort to protect his pride, absolutely refuses any help.

Read the manual - they put it there for a reason. And I can tell you from experience as a person who reads the manual that it has made my life easier. So heed my words as this is one of life's lessons that I have learned.

Now to some other words of wisdom. What  you are about to read will amaze you in its simplicity and how astonishingly helpful it will be once you apply this: ''Ask and you shall receive''

I have not yet fully grasped this wisdom as of yet -Even though I Read the Manual, which is like asking for assistance. I will explain my conundrum and the reason for my gloominess. Yesterday evening I was helping out with preparing my stable. The power was out which meant we had to fill up the water buckets underneath the tap and then carry them to the stables. With my Graves disease I have been inactive and not as strong as I used to be and I also have back problems so as I was filling up this water bucket of doom I knew it would be too much of a strain on my back to carry it and I should ASK so that I can RECIEVE assistance. Alas I did not and told myself that ''I can do it myself''. I carried that bucket and immediately regretted my decision - it was a great struggle for me and today I suffered the consequences. My back has been very sore today.

All could have been avoided if I simply asked for help like I ask those manuals filled with great wisdom.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ask for assistance when I require it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I am not capable anymore of carrying heavy things to see it as me being useless and unhelpful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stubborn and believe that I do not need any help when I can clearly see that I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an emotional reaction to me not being as strong as I used to be and see that as me being weak, not seeing for what it really is which is simply me not being as strong as I used to be – and this only from a ‘physical perspective’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to prove that I am not weak by trying to carry something I am clearly not capable of carrying - not realizing that strength has nothing to do with muscle power and instead has all to do with my beingness/who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for doing such a silly thing and judging myself because of it.

I commit myself to ask for assistance when I need it

I commit myself to stop the belief that I am useless because I cannot help out with heavy objects anymore - Instead I realize that my body is not as strong anymore and thus I am physically unable to carry heavy things

I commit myself to stop being stubborn and instead listen to common sense

I commit myself to stop the reaction to me not being as strong as I used to be and seeing myself as weak, Instead I see it for what is really is - I am simply not strong anymore and there is nothing weak about it - it simply is

I commit myself to stop judging myself when I did something silly - instead I learn from the event and make sure I do not do it again

I commit myself to stop being angry at myself for hurting my back - instead I stop the anger and realize that anger will do nothing but fumigate me and is useless. I turn that anger into something practical like finding the reason why I hurt myself so that I do not do it again.

Day 155 - Future Projection

 

Winter is coming. The nights are getting colder and the early morning have a bite about them. Rain is getting less and trees are getting ready for their long sleep by shedding their leaves as the wind brush beside them.

On the farm winter means dry season and dry season means fire season. With the frost and cold that kills and the rain that deprives the grass - the fields get very dry, creating perfect fuel for fire. Each farm has the responsibility for making their own fire breaks - that is when you burn the grass along your borders to prevent a fire from jumping from one farm to another. Winter also means preparing fruit trees so that they are protected from the frost and cold. It’s time for winter preparations to begin.

When I was looking at this I went into anxiety and started to worry and the usual suspects made an appearance: Time - what if we do not make it in time and the farm burns down and the fruit trees dies. Rushing - We must hurry to make sure  we get it in time and now the one I am writing about: Future Projection.

What I did was go into my mind and thinking about winter and all the things we need to do, because we only have 1 month ‘till June and so went into anxiety. Yes, I even forgot for a moment there was a May still coming before we get to June. When I realized my error I was relieved.

What I should have done is look at things for what they are - meaning that instead of thinking about the future and worrying about it I instead simply look at what we need to do in order to be prepared for the winter and estimate how much time we need to be done and get to it. Firstly giving us enough time take out the possibility that we won’t have enough and thus there is no rush.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into the future and my mind so much so that I left out an entire month

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remain here in the moment when looking at things that needs to be done in the future.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to look at things for what they really are here in the physical, but to look at things from the mind which is not real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety when I looked at what we need to do to prepare for the winter

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if we do not get all the preparations done in time the farm might be at a greater risk from fire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when the first cold nights came to go into a memory of ''time to get to fire breaks'' that had an energy attached to it of anxiety and when I accessed this memory I also accessed the anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remove this energetic attachment to the memory of anxiety so that it doesn't influence me anymore

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I give myself enough time do to things there will be no need  to rush and worry about time.

I commit myself to stop projecting myself into the future - instead I remain stable here in the moment when looking at things do to and prepare for in the future. Thus, utilizing future projection PRACTICALLY, through looking at what does need to be prepared for the coming winter, for example, assessing the time within that projection, as well as the responsibilities and then getting to it – no reactions required, only practical applications

I commit myself to look at things and situations for they really are and not influenced from my minds perspective

I commit myself to stop the automatic response of rushing when I see I have an important task ahead, instead I remain stable here and plan what needs to be done and then simply do it.

I commit myself to stop immediately looking at the worst case scenario - instead I realize that it’s from my worrying that I create the worst possible consequence.

I commit myself to stop the anxiety of worrying every time winter comes, instead I stop and breathe and realize that I have been through enough winters and know exactly what to do and how to do it and thus it’s pointless to worry about it and start trusting myself within this as I have proven this to myself over and over.

Purification of Time

 

The Sun - a great fusion reactor, ball of fire. The light hits the earth providing energy for nature, for the whole earth. And so with the rotation of earth and the light from the sun we have a measurable, mathematical, indefinite continued progress of existence and events  - or in simpler terms, Time.Time has become an integral part of our lives, with our lives/living that rotates around time. We live according to time, we work according to time and we sleep according to time. We plan our day according to time - something we created and placed importance in.

Time for me also plays a role in my life. I have schedules and appointments and other considerations that revolves around time. It is a way to organize my life.When I was  In School and when in class - there was too much of it (time) and after school for the day there was not enough Time. On the farm There never seems to be enough of it and I have had reactions regarding time.

With so many things to do, it seems like there is never enough time to get to it all. This would cause a state of anxiety within myself and also made me irritable at times. I was frustrated, because I could not get to everything since there was not enough time during the day to get to it all. When I looked at the time I would feel different depending on what time it is. In the morning it is fine, in the afternoon I see my time is getting less, which causes anxiety and frustration at times and by night time its like ''shit, the day is almost over and I did not get to do all the things I wanted, dammit!''.

So within this Time, decides who I am and what I do and how I feel, but time does not really exist - its simply nature moving that we equated and allowed to direct who we are. I am the one creating the energetic experience in regards to time in my Mind. I am the one creating the feelings and reactions and beliefs in regards to time making it more than what it is.

I forgive myself that I ha ve accepted and allowed myself to get anxious when I see time goes by, fearing I would not get enough time for finish my tasks for the day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel different depending on what time it is and within that, change who I am depending on what time it is - allowing time to decide who I am, not realizing that I am not the directive principle of who I am within the tasks that I do with accepting and allowing my reactive relationship to time in the mind to dominate/direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts and backchat in relation to Time where I would react and allow the thoughts and backchat to generate feelings and emotions like frustration and anger, because there is so much to do and not enough time. Not seeing, realizing and understanding how I would within this – actually then create a whole personality-relationship to time in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my frustration of never getting to everything and not having enough time, to become irritable and act out my irritation on others around me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see time as something more than me, something that directs me and something that I should follow and allow to dictate my life - not realizing that Time is simply nature moving, a point of universal reference within which to practically categorize/organize responsibilities according to minutes/hours/days/weeks/months/years etc.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that although time is a part of our life - it should not be something that directs me and changes who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remain stable and consistent no matter what time it is - within this realize that if I do my best and all that I am able to with the time I have then there is no point to worry about Time since I cannot make Time stop or squeeze out more time from somewhere and/or timetravel.

I commit myself to stop going into anxiety and fear when I look at the time, instead I breathe and stop the thoughts of ''there is not enough time'' and stop worrying about it - realizing that if I do my best with the time I have its impossible to do more.

I commit myself to stop getting frustrated and angry when I see I did not get to everything this day - instead I realize that there is in fact another day tomorrow and the day after that to do what I need to do

I commit myself to stop allowing Time to dictate and decide who I am, instead I remain stable no matter what the time is

I commit myself to realize that time is a reference point that is here that I can use to organize my life effectively and not something to react to.

I commit myself to stop the fear that time is running out - instead I realize that although Time is going by it is nothing to fear and rather to do the best I can with the time I have here on earth

Day 153 - Rushing

 

Today I am writing about rushing. The need to hurry and do things with haste. Why did I rush things with various farm activities? How did it become so normal and a part of me that i did not notice it anymore?

Whenever I faced rushing it was with important tasks. For example replacing fences. We have horses and the fencing that was originally on the farm was not ideal for them and imposed a risk that they could hurt themselves. Prevention is the best cure - so any points that we see might harm other beings on the farm like horses we find ways to prevent it and in this case it was taking out the old fence and place in a new one that is horse friendly.

Within this I had the belief that if I do not rush and hurry to get the fencing done then the horses might hurt themselves and it would be my fault. The horses weren't really in any danger and possibility that they might hurt themselves were very small so there was any need to rush. Another example was building a nursery. The sooner we get it done the sooner we can plant veggies so I rushed to get it done fast. When I do something I should do it to the best of my ability - I defined ''the best of my ability'' as doing something as fast as possible and lived it.

When I was in rushing mode I would feel pumped up - almost like an adrenaline rush and within this physically move fast. I would also get tired sooner, but get done sooner. There would also be anxiety and I would think about others tasks ahead while busy with my current task. Sometimes this leads to me making a mistake and then get really angry, because I would first have to fix the mistake before continuing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush while doing tasks believing the only logical way of dealing with a multitude of tasks is to hurry up with your current one - not realizing that it was never about the tasks getting done, but more an opportunity to expand myself and learn more about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that doing something to the best of my ability also includes doing something as fast as possible, not realizing that rushing is not an ability, but a consequence of using my mind to do physical work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when doing something to fear what will happen if I take too long with it - fearing possible consequences and within this cause anxiety and out of that fear and anxiety I rush.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was rushing out of fear of possible consequences so much so that it became natural to me to hurry and rush and made it part of my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that by rushing I was not in fact HERE in the physical, but in my mind and within this I tend to make more mistakes and missed out on the physical world around me.

I commit myself to stop rushing through points, instead I breath and be here in the physical

I commit myself to stop fearing possible consequences and stop projecting myself into the future when I am busy with something that is physically here - instead I breathe and focus with what I am busy with

I commit myself to stop the belief that the only way to deal with many tasks is to rush through them - instead I realize that if I rush I will miss out on the world around me and points within myself within what I am doing and thus robbing myself from the opportunity to learn  more about myself