Day 158 - Uselessness

 

I Have touched on the subject in my other blog post of me seeing myself as weak and not strong in my previous post, Before I continue with that I’'m going to write about another point that came up within that which is uselessness.

Its been almost 9 months since my first symptoms started of the Grave disease that I have. Before that I have been mostly busy with physical work. That was what I did during my days - got physical with the earth and I enjoyed it and got quite good at it. I have been unable to do any physical work for almost 6 months now and going from being outside doing physical work to being inside the house was a massive change to my schedule. It was like a whole new world and a new chapter in my life. People had to take over from me the things I used to be able to do and within that I felt useless. Some people would have liked the experience of others doing your bidding (lol), but I did not. I had this experience and energetic reaction within myself whenever I had to ask someone to assist me which was in part the reason for my previous post on hurting my back.

Basically I felt useless, because I could not do what I usually did and was good at - that took me time effort to become effective within it which also brought up anger towards myself for the situation I placed myself in. What I did not realize is that I have been doing things for other people that did not have the time as well as other important things. Although they are not physical work I have not been in fact useless and it is just a belief I had. Now that I have been feeling better I started to take on more responsibility and activities - all new experiences for me so that has been cool.

The most labour intensive task I do now is probably the most difficult thing I have ever done and struggle with greatly is.....cleaning. Seriously - I would clean the one day and by the next day I question my sanity, because the house is dirty again and I could have sworn I cleaned it the previous day. At least with mixing cement, throwing concrete and building walls once your done its done and stays that way for many, many years. With cleaning its like I'm getting nowhere. I feel a bit sorry for my parents who had to clean up after me all those years ago. So yes - I learn new things and thus expanding on all that My abilities so that one day I can say - I have done it all.

Back to my original point. A big change came upon my life and I looked at it negatively and saw it as Grave and the end of my world, But it was just the beginning of a new chapter bringing new opportunities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am useless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, because I believed I was useless just because I was not able to do anything that I used to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an energetic reaction and thoughts of 'I'm useless' whenever I had to ask someone to do something for me that I used to do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally accept the support that was given to me and instead be irritated when someone offered help, because I saw me being unable to do it as me being weak and useless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at this big change in my life as something bad and immediately reacted negatively to it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see this change as A new experience, a new chapter in my life with new opportunities and ways to leant more about myself to expand myself.

I commit myself to stop the belief of me being useless - instead I realize that I am doing other things and am in fact not useless

I commit myself to stop being angry for the situation I am and realize I placed myself here and to make the best of it

I commit myself to stop looking at this change as something bad/negative just because I cant do the things I used to do and was good at - instead I take with me all that I have learnt about myself while working with the earth and be grateful for the opportunity

I commit myself to accept assistance without reacting towards it as me being useless just because I am not able to do it myself anymore

I commit myself to realize that I have a great opportunity within this change in my life to learn new things and expand myself.

Day 120 - Loosing Focus

 

I am now on day 4 gluten free and have noticed another point. I have been loosing focus. Today I misplaced my cell-phone twice, i am forgetting things, missing things and have become less aware of my environment. Also broke a coffee cup.

Yes we all misplace things and drop things and forget things, but for me this is happening more than should. The past few days my stomach has become worse along with my back so I’ve been in a bit of pain and really tired of having this, I am sick and tired of having to go to the toilet at least 4 times a day. This is why im loosing focus, because I am distracting myself with my problems and fear that I will have to live like this for the rest of my life and i REALLY do not want that. My back problem is hindering my effectiveness, because I cant help out around the farm as much as I would like to.

My back problem is for another day another blog - for now i am writing  about loosing focus so that I can, in spite of my utter discomfort - not allow it to effect who i am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose focus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget things allot more than usual

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misplace objects by not being aware of myself when I put something down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be less aware of my environment and I miss things where I usually do not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my discomfort believe that going gluten free is pointless since there is no change

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that there wont always be a change immediately and that it will take time

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to be patient and always want to rush things and want things to go fast when in reality they do not.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to to distract myself from what I do with the pain and discomfort I feel and to become less effective because of it

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breathe through the discomfort and bring myself here so that i can be effective.

(Please note - if you are in consistent pain and discomfort that affects or impairs you go see a doctor)

I commit myself to focus on what is important and to make sure that I do not loose focus

I commit myself to when I do loose focus and start forgetting things/misplacing things to breathe and slow myself down

I commit myself to let go of my impatience and frustrations when I see no change with my stomach - instead I am patent/patience.

I commit myself to be aware of myself when drinking something so that I do not haste and allow the water to go down the wrong hole where I will cough my lungs out (might seem a bit random,but this just happened so i placed it in here)

I commit myself to not be affected and become less effective when faced with discomfort

I commit myself to be aware of myself and my environment and not to be lost in thought and feelings and emotions where i will miss the world around me and important things might slip through and lead to unwanted consequences

I commit myself to realize that this will take time - and keep the 1 week  gluten free commitment.