Day 158 - Uselessness

 

I Have touched on the subject in my other blog post of me seeing myself as weak and not strong in my previous post, Before I continue with that I’'m going to write about another point that came up within that which is uselessness.

Its been almost 9 months since my first symptoms started of the Grave disease that I have. Before that I have been mostly busy with physical work. That was what I did during my days - got physical with the earth and I enjoyed it and got quite good at it. I have been unable to do any physical work for almost 6 months now and going from being outside doing physical work to being inside the house was a massive change to my schedule. It was like a whole new world and a new chapter in my life. People had to take over from me the things I used to be able to do and within that I felt useless. Some people would have liked the experience of others doing your bidding (lol), but I did not. I had this experience and energetic reaction within myself whenever I had to ask someone to assist me which was in part the reason for my previous post on hurting my back.

Basically I felt useless, because I could not do what I usually did and was good at - that took me time effort to become effective within it which also brought up anger towards myself for the situation I placed myself in. What I did not realize is that I have been doing things for other people that did not have the time as well as other important things. Although they are not physical work I have not been in fact useless and it is just a belief I had. Now that I have been feeling better I started to take on more responsibility and activities - all new experiences for me so that has been cool.

The most labour intensive task I do now is probably the most difficult thing I have ever done and struggle with greatly is.....cleaning. Seriously - I would clean the one day and by the next day I question my sanity, because the house is dirty again and I could have sworn I cleaned it the previous day. At least with mixing cement, throwing concrete and building walls once your done its done and stays that way for many, many years. With cleaning its like I'm getting nowhere. I feel a bit sorry for my parents who had to clean up after me all those years ago. So yes - I learn new things and thus expanding on all that My abilities so that one day I can say - I have done it all.

Back to my original point. A big change came upon my life and I looked at it negatively and saw it as Grave and the end of my world, But it was just the beginning of a new chapter bringing new opportunities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am useless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, because I believed I was useless just because I was not able to do anything that I used to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an energetic reaction and thoughts of 'I'm useless' whenever I had to ask someone to do something for me that I used to do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally accept the support that was given to me and instead be irritated when someone offered help, because I saw me being unable to do it as me being weak and useless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at this big change in my life as something bad and immediately reacted negatively to it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see this change as A new experience, a new chapter in my life with new opportunities and ways to leant more about myself to expand myself.

I commit myself to stop the belief of me being useless - instead I realize that I am doing other things and am in fact not useless

I commit myself to stop being angry for the situation I am and realize I placed myself here and to make the best of it

I commit myself to stop looking at this change as something bad/negative just because I cant do the things I used to do and was good at - instead I take with me all that I have learnt about myself while working with the earth and be grateful for the opportunity

I commit myself to accept assistance without reacting towards it as me being useless just because I am not able to do it myself anymore

I commit myself to realize that I have a great opportunity within this change in my life to learn new things and expand myself.

Day 145 - Sensitivity to Sensibility

 

I am a sensitive person. Being a sensitive personality and character is what i have accepted myself to be. I am sensitive to pain - small things like scratches and especially pimple squeezing is quite painful for me. You can say i have low pain threshold. Interestingly when it comes to big pains like going fast downhill on a skateboard and loosing balance falling off and rolling and skidding on a tar road getting some serious road rash - I can handle.

I’ have also been sensitive to emotions and  feeling my whole life - I easily got affected. Also with conflict situations, because i was so sensitive towards it I would avoid it because I could not handle it.

This is a accepted behavior that I have made part of my life, but if I am allowing myself to be easily affected my situations and directed by it then I am not the directive principle in my life. I must be able to stand in every and all situations and not be affected or afflicted or directed by it. I must be the directive principle and not be sensitive, but be sensible. Sensitivity to sensibility.

I am not talking about being a ''macho man'' or masculinity. I am talking  Facing any and all points that come my way. Not giving into fear, but facing it head on no matter what. Real Strength is standing no matter what. And that is a difficult concept, because we get easily side tracked. It requires going against your own beliefs and perceptions and idea of yourself. It is so much easier to belief that I lack the power to do this - that I am not strong enough. But i am the one who created that idea of myself in the first place.

Sensitivity to sensibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a sensitive person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within myself and participate in the sensitive character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to so easily be affected by situations and not be able to handle myself well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid conflict situations, because I  believe myself to be too sensitive to handle it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the idea and belief that I am a sensitive person and thus be directed by emotions and feelings and situations and thus not able to stand strong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I lack the power and strength to stand in any and all situations not realizing that i am the one who created this belief despite everything that i have overcome thus far that proves i have the strength

I commit myself to stop being sensitive, instead I go from sensitivity to sensibility

I commit myself to stop the belief that I lack the strength and power to stand no matter what. instead i realize that I had the power all along and the proof is in all the times i did stand and overcame situations I thought never possible.

I commit myself to realize that although there are new challenges that come my way that may seem like it is bigger and tougher and too much  for me to handle - they are not. I stand and breathe through trusting that I am able and have the strength to move past it - this can only make me stronger.

I commit myself to stop being so ''thin skinned'', but instead give myself the skin of a rhino to be able to handle any situation.

i commit myself to when i am in a situation and react to it in a sensitive way. I stop and breath and be sensible - be aware of what I am doing and not allow myself to be directed by feelings emotions or situations, but instead i direct it