Day 118 - I like Food - allot

 

I like eating food. Good tasty food. Some of the food I like eating is the following:

• Fresh bread
• Weet-bix
• pancakes
• flapjacks
• Fresh bread
• cornflakes
• Fresh bread
• Fresh bread
• Fresh bread
• Fresh bread
• Fresh bread

I do like Fresh bread. One of my favorite things to eat is fresh fresh bread just out the oven with butter - mmm. The reason im listing these foods is because Since today I stopped eating wheat foods, more specifically gluten related foods. And most the foods I like have gluten. The reason I stopped eating Gluten is part of an on going test to see what physical reaction is causing my stomach problems - im looking for the physical manifestation of my anxiety that i created.

Since I stopped eating gluten I have become very frustrated, irritated...and I little depressed. What I have noticed is that I have become sad, because food made me happy - tasty food makes me feel good and now it takes longer to make myself food.

It is interesting that now going gluten-free it takes more time to make myself food. I usually for lunch go for what is quick and easy - bread or whatever - because i dont spend too much time making it and eating it. But now I have no choice but to prepare and plan what i eat.

This is why I am frustrated and irritated - it is now more of an effort to eat and i do not like not being able to eat certain foods.

Thank you for reading - an update on this tomorrow to assist myself to not me depressed, irritated and frustrated and angry .

Day 117 - Uncertainty with Estimates

 

Today I was cutting grass for the horses to eat and sleep on, bedding and food. Today was one of the rare hot days without rain that we have had in a while and tomorrow afternoon it might rain again. I wanted to cut so that we just enough to rake everything before the rain comes tomorrow so we will see if my estimates were enough.

When I was done cutting I looked at how much I cut and it looked like enough, but I wanted to be sure so I decided to cut more. After the last session of cutting I looked and told myself that it is indeed enough, but I was not sure. It could be too much or too little, but I really couldn't’ tell. So when I was done I got back to farm and for the rest of the day either I told myself it was more than enough or it was not enough - I am uncertain so this caused anxiety and doubting myself and worrying all the time.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to when I finished cutting grass to worry that it wont be be enough or that it will be too much

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to when I drove back with the tractor to fear that it will be too much for us to rake it all and then it will get rained on and be a total waste.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgement from others if it turns out it wont be enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly think about this point and worry about it today

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that what is done is done so there is noting I can do about it now so there is no point in worrying about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about this point throughout the day and feel that I might have made a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes and to see myself as not good enough when I make mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself in my uncertainty and thus become anxious - instead if realizing that there is nothing wrong with being uncertain,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as being bad with estimates, because I am wrong most of the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather say I am not sure when it come to estimates that are important, because i fear taking responsibility and then being wrong then I will be to blamed

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to really push through the resistance and fear and uncertainty when I am estimating something to see if I am in fact bad at estimates or not

I commit myself to stop worrying about if there will be enough hay tomorrow or not  - instead I see that there is nothing I can do about it now thus no point in worrying.

I commit myself to stop fearing the judgement from others if there is too much or too little - I see that it is not their judgement, but my own

I commit myself to stop stress and realize stressing wont change the past or future - instead I breathe and live in the moment

I commit myself to stop fearing making mistakes with estimate and realize that I learn though those mistakes

I commit myself to stop the belief that I am bad with estimates and stop saying I'm not sure without giving it my best first

I commit myself to stop the fear of taking responsibility for getting estimates wrong and not allow it to influence me

I commit myself to to stop becoming anxious and have self doubt when I face uncertainties

I commit myself to stop seeing uncertainty as something bad or wrong - instead I realize that some things are uncertain, but it does not change who i am.

Day 116 - Being a RockStar

 

Sometimes when I listen to songs I image that i am the person who wrote the song and singing the song. I imagine i am playing in front of a huge stadium performing the song i am listening to. Mostly because it makes me feel good - when i was in school i u sed to do this allot - put the song on the hi-fi loudly and rock out in my room. I Liked doing this also, because I could really express what I felt by rocking out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I listen to songs to imagine that I wrote the song and am singing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to imagine that i am performing this song live on stage rocking out in front of thousands of people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep on imagining this, because it makes me feel good

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself playing in front of allot of people and them liking me, because I want people to like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my want to be special and important to imagine myself being a rock star

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am inferior and thus i dream about play ing on stage where i will be better than everybody else

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that i do not need to be special or important or better than others, but that it is a believe than i must compete with other people.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of these delusions and rather focus on my music to become more effective within it.

I commit myself to stop imagine that i wrote the songs i listen to when i did not

I commit myself stop imagining that I am playing in front of thousands of people when i listen to songs - i realize it is me wanting to be special that i do this

I commit myself to stop wanting to be special - instead I realize that nobody is special

I commit myself to stop wanting people to like me - I can see how fucked up i am inside which means other people are also fucked up inside and thus there is no point to want other to like me

I commit myself to let go of these delusions and to realize that by imagining  it i become lost in

my feelings and emotions constantly thinking about what ifs and dreams that are impractical.  

Day 115 - Human Defense Mechanism

 

Animals and insects have defensive mechanisms:

Chameleons change color, spiders bite, scorpions stings, ducks claw, cats scratch, dogs bite and stick insects....look like sticks. All for survival. Now today we are looking at what happens when humans are attacked -  not physically, but verbally. If someone talks shit about you you go into a reaction and often feel the need to defend yourself. When you take something personally you react and go into defensive mode where you will become angry and act out the anger either physically or verbally.

Why The need to defend oneself when somebody says something about you? Why do i allow the other person to influence me? It should’ not matter what another says about mw, because i know who I am and who im not. There should be no need to defend myself - otherwise I give power to the person over me.

Here follows the steps to clear myself from this point:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into defensive mode when someone is saying something about me that i take personally

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to within this defensive mode to attack the person verbally

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away by allowing the other person to influence my behavior by reacting to what they say

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to care what people think of me and in this feel the need to defend myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear others judging me and this i feel the need to defend myself so that others don't believe what the other person is saying about me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to after the event further defend myself with backchat of thoughts in my head where I will see myself as the better person and the other person as very inferior to me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to act on the anger and be directed by this anger by going into defense mode

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to simply not take things personally

I commit myself to not go into defensive mode

I commit myself to stop taking things personally

I commit myself to stop attacking people verbally by stopping the anger and not be directed by it.

I commit myself to be self directed and not allow other to influence who i am

I commit myself to stop the fear of judgement from others

I commit myself to stop the belief that i need to defend myself - instead i realize that it doesn’it matter what other say.

I commit myself to stop the backchat of me seeing myself as superior and better than others

When i face  point where someone is talking shit about me, or says and do something that i will take personally - to stop and breath. I realize that it doesnt matter what others say about me. I direct the point by either walking away or find the reason why the person said what they said WITHOUT reacting in anger.

Day 114 - Its All about me

 

ON the topic of movies - I have watched the movie called ANTZ and in the beginning the one ant is complaining about his ant life and saying ''but what about ME!''. Another ant later explains to the complaining at that it is not all about him, but that its all about the colony as a whole. But this complaining ANT wants to be significant, special.

Later in the movie the ants decided they have choice - they do not have to work and contribute. Which in the end resulted in destruction on most of the ant nest.

Now movies aside lets look at real life ants.

Each individual ant works an a task and thus contributes to the whole so that the colony can be strong and effective. They realize that what they do is not work - its an understanding that only as a group are they strong and effective. If one or a few ants decides to give up then the colony is weakened.

So unlike humans:

Laziness does not exist.

Wanting to be special also does no’t exist.

Wanting to be different does n’ot exits .

Choice does not exist

The last point is very important. Most people have a believe that they have a choice - not true. Free choice does not exist for the ant. They do not choose to work together - they simply do it. its not a choice, but rather a principle.

So humans want life to be all about them - we want to be special, unique, significant.We do not care about the others living in our colony/earth. Its all about me. That is the reason why half the population suffers, because we do not care. We do not want to work together for a better world. we want to live our idea of ''free choice'' that depends on money ( or if you are religious you practice your choice to praise god or burn for eternity in hell - that is not a choice).

We must work together as a group as equals in order for us to become a strong standing and effective race - otherwise we will destroy our colony/earth. It is already happening.

So lets stop out bullcrap and work together based on the understanding that it must be done. Help us and join us and contribute towards a new world system where life is what is best for the whole/all/ earth.

Only at www.equalmoney.org  - do you think we cant do it? YES WE CAN!!!!! (obama wont change a thing - click the link and vote to make a real difference) 

Day 113 - Rushing even when Eating!

 

Ok - Another point I noticed is that I am rushing while I eat - I want to eat fast so that I can get to other things  - so here follows the words to change myself to that I do not rush while I eat when it is really unnecessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be in a rush while I am eating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am wasting my time if I do not rush when I eat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I eat to think about all the things I still have to do  and thus I am not here

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to Breath and be here when I eat and be aware of myself by being here in the moment

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have no reason to rush or be in a hurry and that it is my believe that I am wasting time that I hurry when eating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make rushing a part of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my fear of not having enough time to want to do everything fast

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware that I am rushing while I eat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make rushing and haste  a habit where I do it with everything I do even when eating and showering when there's is not real need to be

I commit myself to when I eat to be aware of myself so that I can stop rushing  and also I breathe and be here in the moment

I commit myself to stop making rushing a part of my life and to stop being hasty all the time - instead I calm myself and be here

I commit myself to to stop the belief that I am wasting time if I eat and not rush - instead I realize that I  eating and showering is necessary

I commit myself to stop living in the future and to worry about the things I still have to do - instead I make sure I am here in the moment.

I commit myself to realize that things take time and there is nothing i an do about that - so I commit myself to stop worrying

I commit myself to when i eat to realize what had to be done for this food to be here in front of me - from the people who plowed the fields to planting the seeds and money and effort and hard work -the fuel needed for transport - the people driving and trying to make a living and the people suffering having so little - all of this so that i can have food. I commit myself to never take my food in vain.

Day 112 - Rushing, Always Rushing!

 

Time and fear of not having enough creeps up in may ways and often results in Rushing. I have been writing about Time and how i rush and haste things. I have been driving in town and doing what I usually do when the person sitting next to me asking if I am in a rush. I had no reason to be yet still I was rushing. So here follows the steps to change me so that I stop rushing unnecessarily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a rush while driving in town when there is no reason to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make rushing a part of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my fear of not having enough time to want to do everything fast

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware that i am rushing while i drive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make rushing and haste  a habit where I do it with everything I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am wasting my time if I do not rush when I drive

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that i have no reason to rush or be in a hurry and that it is my fear that i am wasting time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when i drive to think about all the things i still have to do when i get back and thus be in future and not here

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to Breath and be here when I drive and be aware of myself by being here in the moment

I commit myself to when I drive to be aware of myself and stop rushing - instead I breathe and be here in the moment

I commit myself to stop making rushing a part of my life and to stop being hasty all the time - instead I calm myself and be here

I commit myself to to stop the belief that I am wasting time if I drive and not rush - instead I realize that I driving is necessary and if i rush i will be less aware of the road and have a greater chance of being in a accident

I commit myself to stop living in the future and to worry about the things I still have to do when I drive - instead I make sure I am here in the moment.

I commit myself to realize that things take time and there is nothing i an do about that - so i commit myself to stop worrying