Dealing With Graves Disease

 

Today I am looking at how Graves disease have affected me thus far and reactions I have experienced. I’m looking at a before and after in terms of how I was before compared to now.

Physically there has been a big change. I lost most of my physical strength and became physically weaker. This brought up many points in relation to the idea and belief of strength and weakness – read here on support for that:

What is Strength Really?

Before my thyroid went into hyper drive I was working daily with the physical doing various tasks and managing the farm. Now I am unable to do so which made me feel useless and unhelpful. I felt useless, because I was physically unable to so. For support on uselessness have read over here:

Uselessness

I went from being very busy to not busy and judged myself, because I was unable to do all the things I used to do and had to depend on others to assist and support me. This brought some reactions within me and being very stubborn to ask for help when I needed it. For support on this read over here:

Ask and you shall receive - Or Be silent and suffer

Within my physical activities around the farm I felt useful. I valued it and saw the wroth it in. With getting graves disease and unable to participate with the physical activities that value and worth went away within me. What I did not realize at the time was that I linked value and worth as a point outside myself - as something I do instead of who I am. I missing self-worth and self-value. Here is support on self worth and self value:

Self-Value and Self-Worth and Repetitive Failure

Self Worth and Self Development

 

I experienced myself as being stuck since I got diagnosed With me unable to do the things I used to and having to learn to do new things. It felt as if I was not good enough and lacked the power move through this disease. I allowed myself to fall on this point and essentially gave up on myself which resulted in me not moving effectively. Here follows support if you are dealing with the same thing:

Being stuck

It is interesting to see how many points a disease can bring up and tell you about yourself and who you are. This is still a on going process and more points reveal themselves and open up.

Day 165 - Being stuck

 

 

Today I am going to have a look at the word stuck.

I looked at the experience of myself and this is one of the words that came up – there is a feeling of being stuck, no flow. How is it possible to feel stuck within self?

The only way to be stuck is when you do not move. When you face the same points over and over again, but never overcome them. Also when you keep on falling on the same points and when you do not change. When you keep on giving in and giving up and not pushing through. Then there is a feeling of being stuck.

Within this I am the one who created this experience. I alone am responsible for this, thus I am the one able to stop this this experience of being stuck. The question is then how?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of being stuck within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am unable to move past this point and that I lack the power and ability

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am the one who created this and thus I am responsible for it and within this it is up to me to move past the experience of being stuck

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with any and all excuses not to get myself unstuck and start moving – not realizing that there is no valid excuse and all these excuses I have made is me not allowing myself to  push through the resistances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted not and allowed myself to realize that being stuck is actually me not moving

I forgive myself that I have accepted not and allowed myself to push through the resistances I face so that I can stop the feeling of being stuck by moving myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted not and allowed myself to realize that If I keep on giving up and giving in I create a repeating pattern /Timeloop and the points will keep coming until I make the choice to stop this pattern by moving past it

I forgive myself that I have accepted not and allowed myself to realize that this experience of being stuck will always be with me unless I do something to change myself to be able to move past this experience of being stuck

I commit myself to stop creating the experience of being stuck – instead when I am stuck at a particular point I investigate the reason why and find a way how to move past it

I commit myself to stop the belief and idea that I am unable or lack the power to get myself unstuck – Instead I use the tools ( i.e. writing) to put myself in a position to get myself moving again

I commit myself to stop using excuses – instead I realize that There is no excuse to not get myself moving

I commit myself to stop giving in and giving up when I face resistance – instead I realize that If I do not move through the resistance I will create the experience of being stuck so I commit myself to push myself to move past the resistances

I commit myself to stop the repetitive pattern of stukcness by changing myself so that I do not fall on the same points over and over again

Self Worth and Self Development

 

 

I have looked at the point of self-worth and self-value before and now some new points have opened up: Other dimensions of self-worth and self-value (or the lack thereof), as well as the consequences.

I have been working with the physical for a few years before I got Graves disease. I have developed my skills and got myself to a point where I was effective within a particular physical activity/process. What I did not develop effectively during those years was my "inner" skills - my beingness, as who I am in/as my Living. Within this there is a Miss-alignment - developing one part and ignoring the other (missing the equal and one alignment of me in my within and without, my who I am within and how I live without). What I found interesting is that I have constant lower back pain and the physical reason is that my body is skew – miss-aligned. My right side is lower than my left. I am busy with some exercises to correct this.

My lack of self-worth played a role in this - where I told myself that I don't matter and what matters is doing tasks and keeping myself busy with it; all the while keeping myself from developing myself. If I look at it now it is also a point of "self-sacrifice" - where I dedicate my life helping out and helping others, but ignoring myself in the process, because I saw myself as not being important. I have lived my life like this believing that I am doing "good" and that It makes me a "good" person, but all I have done is ignore myself and my life.

It is time to realign myself and realize that I cannot keep on ignoring myself. It is important to develop myself so that I can be an effective living being. Develop self-skills and become directive and effective within it just like I did with working in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the  belief and idea that I do not matter

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this belief go into a "self-sacrifice" of only helping out and helping others and ignoring myself, not realizing that I cannot in fact assist/support/help others if I have not in fact done this for myself, within myself and so my own life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my lack of self-worth and self-value to not develop myself and improve myself to become effective, because I believed that Other people are more important that I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live with this miss-alignment and believe that I am a good person by only helping out other people - not realizing that This was a belief and perception. Holding onto a belief of ‘I am a “good person”’ as a Personality I then fueled/validated, instead of actually finding out who I am

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I limited myself by ignoring myself and only helping others - because If I do not change myself I stay the same instead of developing myself to become more and more effective.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I cannot support another effectively if I do not support myself first

I commit myself to stop the belief and idea that I do not matter - instead I realize the importance of myself and developing myself to become effective, because the more effective I am the better I can assist and support others

I commit myself to stop the "self-sacrifice" character and start paying attention to myself and my self-development and realize that before I can truly assist and support another I must be able to assist and support myself.

I commit myself to stop limiting myself and disabling myself by not assisting and supporting myself within self-development - instead I dedicate myself to become effective within myself

A Musician I am

 

Continuing from my previous blog - read here for context. 

In my previous blog what has been revealed was my starting point for being a musician and how I never really did it for myself; but rather to please others, fit in and be appreciated. This shows that I did not appreciate or value myself and searched for it in others. Within this I depended on other’s reactions and defined myself according to it.

The hours upon hours that goes into music creation started to become an effort for me and so the reason why it started to become not worth it for me. We would put so much into a song, but when it is released it does not get a lot of attention. As read above I have defined myself according to other people’s reactions/appreciation and thus in this situation I did not get the attention I wanted from others and then linked that to "making music is not worth it" and useless. Whereas if I make music as a self expression then it would not matter what the reaction is of others towards it.

It is interesting how points come together - In previous posts I wrote about "Doing it for myself", Self value and self worth. This is what has been missing - Self/Me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write/play music from the starting point to want others to appreciate me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my belief that music is an effort - to stop playing instruments altogether, because I believed there is no point to it and a waste of time .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see creating music as being an effort based on the amount of time that goes into it and the reaction I get from others and thus to see it as not worth it.

I forgive myself that have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the the reason I was looking for appreciation from others was because I did not appreciate or value myself, and thus was looking for it in others instead of giving it to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to other people’s reactions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create music as a self-expression, as who I am, and to do it for myself - within this the only defining point is myself and not based on other people.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to play music simply as an enjoyment - to sit and play for  myself.

I commit myself to stop writing/playing music for only other people - instead I change my starting point to do it for myself as well as a self expression

I commit myself to stop the idea and belief I created that making music is an effort and not worth it based on the reaction I get from others and within this I commit myself to stop defining myself according to other people’s reactions and to instead be self directed

I commit myself to stop looking for value and appreciation from others - instead I gift it to myself

I am a Musician

 

Forgive me listeners for I have sinned - It has been a while since I released a song...

I have been involved with music my whole life. From playing the piano to playing bands to forming Robot Virgins and producing/writing songs with various other Artists. It has been an enjoyable journey thus far.

It takes allot of time and patience and dedication to write and produce a song - Some songs took me days and most took weeks and even months. It is very satisfying when A song is done. These days I mostly listen to my own songs and songs I have produced. Lately is has become increasingly difficult to write music. I have a few songs that I wrote, but they are not good enough. So I write this blog to find the reasons why I am struggling to write music these days.

My first question to myself is why am I a musician? Why do I write songs? Why Am I doing it?

My first reason was that my mother introduced me to music by teaching me the piano. As a young child playing the piano I noticed that people were amazed by me playing it - I was being appreciated and got attention for doing it and so that was my reason. As I got older and learnt other instruments and played with friends they appreciated me and I got attention and was fitting in. Which became my drive to improve my skills and become better at the instruments I was playing. I started writing songs and formed bands all the while getting attention and being appreciated. In a Nutshell - I was a musician to be appreciated and get attention and to fit in - got good at being a musician and simply continued doing it. All this was sub-couscous - I was not aware of it until much later after I became a part of the Desteni Process.

Before We started Robot Virgins I had a collection of songs I wrote through out the years - most not particularly good, but I enjoyed the process of writing music. It is creating something out of seemingly nothing. Using sounds and notes, shaping and structuring into a flow and you have a song. I mostly did music only - always had a difficult time with placing words to music. That was the one part of music I really enjoy - writing music and then listening to my own music.

Robot Virgins formed. I learnt how to produce music on a computer by myself which was awesome, because now I can write songs, record songs and produce songs. The first official song I recorded and produced  was Robot Virgins - Your Truth which turned out to be an All time favorite. As I was writing the song with help from Cerise I wrote it with other people in mind - meaning I was writing it for people who experience was the song is about. Only later after a few months of release did I realize The words are specific to me - I wrote the song for myself. It was interesting.

So Why Am I a Musician now. It is something that I am good at. It is a method to get a message across to assist and support people to realize something about themselves they have not yet realized. My starting Point within All this was still writing for others and not doing it for myself as well. I used to play guitar and drums and piano for the sake of simply playing because I enjoy it, but I have not done that in a long time - to play for myself. I started a few days ago to once again just play on instruments for myself.

I will continue this on the morrow as I go into more detail how I looked for my Muse and realized my Muse was me all along.....

Day 161 - Change is possible.

 

I am busy with a project where I take pictures of trees. It started a few years ago when we first planted fruit trees. What I did is: stand in the same place and take pictures of a tree once in a while and then after a while I have a time-lapse of the tree’s growth. I can see how the trees have grown over the years when I view the pictures in order.

It is fascinating to see this, because trees grow very slowly. So slow that you do not even notice it. It is only after a few years that you look at this tree and go: "wow, you have grown". I have a collection now of a few select fruit trees and will make a video for all to see soon. This first picture here is the first Fig tree we had on the farm and the second shows how big it has grown over the years.

The same can be said to how we change within ourselves. We do not notice how much we have changed and overcome - it is only when you look back do you realize that you have grown/changed, but you do not see it as it is happening.

That is how I have experienced progress within myself in regards to my process of self-change  to become an effective living human being. When I first started my process, one of the points that came up  within me was: "this is taking too long, I am getting nowhere". We have the desire to get things done fast, to see results right now and when we do not – it becomes easier to give up. We learn from TV and advertisements where things move fast and as soon as something takes too long, we think it not worth it or less than. Like a computer for instance: They made an expensive laptop that completely starts up within 2 seconds, because waiting another 28 seconds is just not good enough anymore.

Within all this haste and expectations this fig tree still grows - slowly but surely, consistently branching out as it expands itself and deepens its roots to become more stable . Soon it will bear fruit that will provide sustenance for others. We should all learn from this tree. Change is a slow process and it takes time. It is to be patient and consistent within all you do and not giving up or giving in and after a while when you look back you go “wow, I have grown/changed", just like it is with the tree. 

Doing it for Myself

 

Doing something for yourself is considered being selfish. Today I am looking at another dimension of this word. A big part of this journey to life is to write about yourself or to write yourself out - basically focus on yourself to become an effective living human being. Some may see this as being selfish saying " you must help others to make this world a better place, so focusing on yourself is being selfish!!!". The question here is: how does one / can one assist others when you can’t even /haven’t assisted yourself? You start with yourself to be effective and to be able to support another.

We’re all like in a big steaming pile of quicksand - before you can pull others out, you have to first get yourself out. Like what they tell you in the airplane safety video "In the unlikely event when there is trouble with the plane, first secure your own oxygen mask before helping others". It is not being selfish - you simply can’t help others when you are suffocating.

Within this all, I do I look at my starting point for example working around the farm and watering trees or planting trees. I am doing it for the trees - to feed the trees and grow more. Within this I am doing it for myself as well, support and assist myself to be here in the moment.

What brought this point up was with doing a particular task that you do not like or have no issue with like cleaning for example. It does not bother me when a house is not sparkling clean - I have no issue with a house that is not exactly clean, but my partner does. So when I cleaned I did not do it for myself, but I did it for her because it makes her happy. The problem with this is: I create an expectation within myself of how the other person will react to me cleaning and being happy and when a event occurs that does not meet my expectations I get angry. Within this I realized that Although I was cleaning "for the other person" from a selfless point it was not in fact unconditional. I was cleaning "for her" to be happy and when she is happy I am satisfied - but then the reason I cleaned was for me to be happy, which was depended from another persons actions.

I am not saying that you should NOT do  something for another person - simply look at the starting point. Now I feed two birds with one big piece of bread ( The 2 birds, 1 stone thing is not cool): I clean to assist and support myself to be active and working/aligning with the physical again after a long time being unable to due to my condition AND it satisfies my partner. Now I actually enjoy having a clean house.

Self-Value and Self-Worth and Repetitive Failure

Writing about value and self-worth

When I judge myself as ‘not good enough’ or ‘not worthy’: I have no value for myself. Within this starting point, everything I do will be doomed to fail, because I see myself as not good enough and thus I have set myself up to fail even before I started. I create my own failure.

If who I am has no value or self-worth as judged by myself - then giving up is an easy thing. It is easier to give up on yourself and a particular task than it is to actually do it and push through by giving it your all. The question is what is “your all”? When “your all” is self-value and self-worth then self-judgments of unworthiness would not exist within you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as unworthy and not good enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep reminding myself through backchat and thoughts that I am not good enough – trapping myself in an endless cycle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and judge myself as having no value and everything I do has no value and worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this judgement create events and situations where I fail and am not good enough to prove to myself that I am not not good enough and will always fail

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I keep on judging myself as unworthy and not good enough - I will always give up on myself and everything I do will represent how I see myself as having no worth/value.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that self-judgments of unworthiness and a failure I create failure within everything I do even before I have started.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I created the idea that I have no value or self-worth and that it is a belief and not real, because I do have the ability to change it and will only be/remain real in my Mind if/as I do not assist and support myself to in fact change. Meaning, it is real and it isn’t real – it is real, in the sense that I am continuing to in my Mind accept/allow it to be real and it isn’t real, in the sense that I have the ability / ‘power’ to change it/transform it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of this belief and idea that is not real so that I can free myself from it and stop limiting myself and my potential and start moving myself by doing and pushing through within all I do

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that If I have self-worth and self-value then unworthiness and not being good enough will not exist within me.

I commit myself to stop judging myself as not good enough and not having any self-worth/value. I realize these are beliefs and ideas I have created within myself and that it is not real

I commit myself to stop the thoughts and backchat of ‘’I am not good enough”,” I have no value”,” I am “unworthy” and stop limiting myself.

I commit myself to stop trapping myself in an endless cycle of failure by stopping the belief and idea that I am a failure, instead I push through within all I do the best of my ability and if I do fail I learn from it and move on

I commit myself to realize the self-worth and self-value I have by seeing how far I have come and everything I have faced thus far and pushed through. To realize the stability and trust I have created within this all and by judging myself as not worthy or good enough is me dishonoring myself and all I done thus far.

I commit myself to let go of this self-judgment and move on and not allow this to limit my life and instead give my all within what I do.