Day 155 - Future Projection

 

Winter is coming. The nights are getting colder and the early morning have a bite about them. Rain is getting less and trees are getting ready for their long sleep by shedding their leaves as the wind brush beside them.

On the farm winter means dry season and dry season means fire season. With the frost and cold that kills and the rain that deprives the grass - the fields get very dry, creating perfect fuel for fire. Each farm has the responsibility for making their own fire breaks - that is when you burn the grass along your borders to prevent a fire from jumping from one farm to another. Winter also means preparing fruit trees so that they are protected from the frost and cold. It’s time for winter preparations to begin.

When I was looking at this I went into anxiety and started to worry and the usual suspects made an appearance: Time - what if we do not make it in time and the farm burns down and the fruit trees dies. Rushing - We must hurry to make sure  we get it in time and now the one I am writing about: Future Projection.

What I did was go into my mind and thinking about winter and all the things we need to do, because we only have 1 month ‘till June and so went into anxiety. Yes, I even forgot for a moment there was a May still coming before we get to June. When I realized my error I was relieved.

What I should have done is look at things for what they are - meaning that instead of thinking about the future and worrying about it I instead simply look at what we need to do in order to be prepared for the winter and estimate how much time we need to be done and get to it. Firstly giving us enough time take out the possibility that we won’t have enough and thus there is no rush.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into the future and my mind so much so that I left out an entire month

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remain here in the moment when looking at things that needs to be done in the future.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to look at things for what they really are here in the physical, but to look at things from the mind which is not real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety when I looked at what we need to do to prepare for the winter

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if we do not get all the preparations done in time the farm might be at a greater risk from fire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when the first cold nights came to go into a memory of ''time to get to fire breaks'' that had an energy attached to it of anxiety and when I accessed this memory I also accessed the anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remove this energetic attachment to the memory of anxiety so that it doesn't influence me anymore

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I give myself enough time do to things there will be no need  to rush and worry about time.

I commit myself to stop projecting myself into the future - instead I remain stable here in the moment when looking at things do to and prepare for in the future. Thus, utilizing future projection PRACTICALLY, through looking at what does need to be prepared for the coming winter, for example, assessing the time within that projection, as well as the responsibilities and then getting to it – no reactions required, only practical applications

I commit myself to look at things and situations for they really are and not influenced from my minds perspective

I commit myself to stop the automatic response of rushing when I see I have an important task ahead, instead I remain stable here and plan what needs to be done and then simply do it.

I commit myself to stop immediately looking at the worst case scenario - instead I realize that it’s from my worrying that I create the worst possible consequence.

I commit myself to stop the anxiety of worrying every time winter comes, instead I stop and breathe and realize that I have been through enough winters and know exactly what to do and how to do it and thus it’s pointless to worry about it and start trusting myself within this as I have proven this to myself over and over.

Purification of Time

 

The Sun - a great fusion reactor, ball of fire. The light hits the earth providing energy for nature, for the whole earth. And so with the rotation of earth and the light from the sun we have a measurable, mathematical, indefinite continued progress of existence and events  - or in simpler terms, Time.Time has become an integral part of our lives, with our lives/living that rotates around time. We live according to time, we work according to time and we sleep according to time. We plan our day according to time - something we created and placed importance in.

Time for me also plays a role in my life. I have schedules and appointments and other considerations that revolves around time. It is a way to organize my life.When I was  In School and when in class - there was too much of it (time) and after school for the day there was not enough Time. On the farm There never seems to be enough of it and I have had reactions regarding time.

With so many things to do, it seems like there is never enough time to get to it all. This would cause a state of anxiety within myself and also made me irritable at times. I was frustrated, because I could not get to everything since there was not enough time during the day to get to it all. When I looked at the time I would feel different depending on what time it is. In the morning it is fine, in the afternoon I see my time is getting less, which causes anxiety and frustration at times and by night time its like ''shit, the day is almost over and I did not get to do all the things I wanted, dammit!''.

So within this Time, decides who I am and what I do and how I feel, but time does not really exist - its simply nature moving that we equated and allowed to direct who we are. I am the one creating the energetic experience in regards to time in my Mind. I am the one creating the feelings and reactions and beliefs in regards to time making it more than what it is.

I forgive myself that I ha ve accepted and allowed myself to get anxious when I see time goes by, fearing I would not get enough time for finish my tasks for the day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel different depending on what time it is and within that, change who I am depending on what time it is - allowing time to decide who I am, not realizing that I am not the directive principle of who I am within the tasks that I do with accepting and allowing my reactive relationship to time in the mind to dominate/direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts and backchat in relation to Time where I would react and allow the thoughts and backchat to generate feelings and emotions like frustration and anger, because there is so much to do and not enough time. Not seeing, realizing and understanding how I would within this – actually then create a whole personality-relationship to time in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my frustration of never getting to everything and not having enough time, to become irritable and act out my irritation on others around me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see time as something more than me, something that directs me and something that I should follow and allow to dictate my life - not realizing that Time is simply nature moving, a point of universal reference within which to practically categorize/organize responsibilities according to minutes/hours/days/weeks/months/years etc.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that although time is a part of our life - it should not be something that directs me and changes who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remain stable and consistent no matter what time it is - within this realize that if I do my best and all that I am able to with the time I have then there is no point to worry about Time since I cannot make Time stop or squeeze out more time from somewhere and/or timetravel.

I commit myself to stop going into anxiety and fear when I look at the time, instead I breathe and stop the thoughts of ''there is not enough time'' and stop worrying about it - realizing that if I do my best with the time I have its impossible to do more.

I commit myself to stop getting frustrated and angry when I see I did not get to everything this day - instead I realize that there is in fact another day tomorrow and the day after that to do what I need to do

I commit myself to stop allowing Time to dictate and decide who I am, instead I remain stable no matter what the time is

I commit myself to realize that time is a reference point that is here that I can use to organize my life effectively and not something to react to.

I commit myself to stop the fear that time is running out - instead I realize that although Time is going by it is nothing to fear and rather to do the best I can with the time I have here on earth

Day 153 - Rushing

 

Today I am writing about rushing. The need to hurry and do things with haste. Why did I rush things with various farm activities? How did it become so normal and a part of me that i did not notice it anymore?

Whenever I faced rushing it was with important tasks. For example replacing fences. We have horses and the fencing that was originally on the farm was not ideal for them and imposed a risk that they could hurt themselves. Prevention is the best cure - so any points that we see might harm other beings on the farm like horses we find ways to prevent it and in this case it was taking out the old fence and place in a new one that is horse friendly.

Within this I had the belief that if I do not rush and hurry to get the fencing done then the horses might hurt themselves and it would be my fault. The horses weren't really in any danger and possibility that they might hurt themselves were very small so there was any need to rush. Another example was building a nursery. The sooner we get it done the sooner we can plant veggies so I rushed to get it done fast. When I do something I should do it to the best of my ability - I defined ''the best of my ability'' as doing something as fast as possible and lived it.

When I was in rushing mode I would feel pumped up - almost like an adrenaline rush and within this physically move fast. I would also get tired sooner, but get done sooner. There would also be anxiety and I would think about others tasks ahead while busy with my current task. Sometimes this leads to me making a mistake and then get really angry, because I would first have to fix the mistake before continuing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush while doing tasks believing the only logical way of dealing with a multitude of tasks is to hurry up with your current one - not realizing that it was never about the tasks getting done, but more an opportunity to expand myself and learn more about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that doing something to the best of my ability also includes doing something as fast as possible, not realizing that rushing is not an ability, but a consequence of using my mind to do physical work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when doing something to fear what will happen if I take too long with it - fearing possible consequences and within this cause anxiety and out of that fear and anxiety I rush.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was rushing out of fear of possible consequences so much so that it became natural to me to hurry and rush and made it part of my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that by rushing I was not in fact HERE in the physical, but in my mind and within this I tend to make more mistakes and missed out on the physical world around me.

I commit myself to stop rushing through points, instead I breath and be here in the physical

I commit myself to stop fearing possible consequences and stop projecting myself into the future when I am busy with something that is physically here - instead I breathe and focus with what I am busy with

I commit myself to stop the belief that the only way to deal with many tasks is to rush through them - instead I realize that if I rush I will miss out on the world around me and points within myself within what I am doing and thus robbing myself from the opportunity to learn  more about myself

Day 152 - Being a Leader

 

This is a continuation of this blog here 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to establish for myself who I am as a leader and what the implications / responsibilities are of becoming a leader in my relationship to self and others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the potential of leadership within myself and that I believed it’s not who I am and instead doubted myself and limited myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the idea that a leader has to do everything and to believe that I was the most effective person when it came to farm activities and by that logic I should be the one who does everything, always and so did not ‘empower’ others equally to learn/walk as I did and so put in equal effort into/as what we do together.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that by doing everything all the time I do not give others the opportunity to learn new things like I did, thus not giving them the chance to expand themselves and become more effective by doing as I did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not assist/support others to become equal to me within the same process I have walked to stand in the position that I was standing so we would actually be able to do more things, more effectively and more efficiently by standing as equals.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that a group of effective people are more effective than one effective person, that by teaching others to become effective at a task - although it would get done slower - eventually there will be two/more effective people and then tasks will get done more effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since I am the most effective person to get a certain task done faster than others that I should be the one to always do it - within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the idea and belief that because there is so much to do I must be in a rush and finish the tasks faster to get to the other one. Not seeing, realizing and understanding how I burdened myself more and more with ALL the tasks, instead of delegating, directing and dispersing responsibility to all

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I am in a hurry and rushing through tasks to get to the other task I am not here in the moment, but in my mind in the future and within this I will tend to make more mistakes by not being here in the moment as well as missing out on the world around me.

I commit myself to give others the opportunity to go through the same learning process that I did to be where I am and to realize that two effective beings are more effective than one, and to within this challenge myself to actually learn from others as well -as they may have input/perspectives that I may not have considered.

I commit myself to realize that a leader has the responsibility to stand, teach, assist and support others to become equal with him/her within the same process he/she have walked to stand in the position that she/she was standing and thus create more leaders

I commit myself to stop doubting myself and realize the potential I have and trust myself to fully realize and apply and become it.

I commit myself to stop the belief that I must do everything and must do it fast and be in a rush just to get everything done, instead I realize the effective way of doing something is do the task one by one, fully committing to my current task - breathing and being here in the physical, patient - and only when it’s done move on to the next so that I am here in everyone and not projecting myself in the future

Day151 - The Idea Of Leadership

 

I have thus far written about my experience of being a leader – or, shall I say, more my idea of leadership. Here I am going to write about what I believed  leadership to be, my idea of leadership and how it determined my behavior, as well as the consequences an Idea of leadership in my mind created in my relationship to my physical body and my life experience in this real world. Essentially, showing how an idea of something, when not cross-referenced in one’s relationship to self, the physical body and this world – can create/manifest consequences for oneself.

As I now look back - my first mistake was not defining leadership and what it actually means, practically. I simply dived right in not being ready or preparing myself for it - I did not direct myself effectively, in terms of actually establishing for myself ‘who am I’ as a leader, and what are the implications / responsibilities of becoming a leader in my relationship to self and others. 

When I got to the farm and started doing tasks, I did not see myself as a leader. It was first only me and LJ and we both worked together. I remember one of our neighbors who helped us out with the basics, like how to operate a tractor slasher(its a machine that attaches to a tractor and cuts grass) and others things we did not yet know how to do. In a conversation he said to me that he knows I will be the one directing things around the farm in terms of tasks and showing people what to do and how to do things. I laughed at first, because I did not see myself doing that. So, he must have noticed something in me that I have not yet recognized/seen/realized for myself.

Sometime Later as more people came to visit and stayed, wanting to help out and participate around the farm to learn new things - I noticed that I was indeed the one people came to for advice, and I was directing tasks. I was not alone in this, because if I got stuck I asked others for assistance like Bernard who basically knew how to do everything, practically. I wanted to be like that - to know what to do. To be able to solve problems in the most sufficient and practical method. This was a challenge for me that I enjoyed, solving problems – but not only solving them, finding/establishing the most easy, efficient, direct and practical way to do them. My mind tended to really complicate situations, lol but when the practical solutions was shown – it was actually SO SIMPLE. So, from that perspective I liked doing these jobs, figuring things out, challenging myself from complexity to simplicity, practicality.

In time, I learned through assistance given and trial and error. I wanted to be the first person to do something new. For example how to lay down a concrete floor. None of us have ever done it before so the first thing was to know the mix - the amount of sand, stone, concrete and water required and how to mix it properly. I wanted to learn it first, because that is what a leader does - to be able to show others how to do something you should be able to do it yourself first so that you know what to do. So, with most things - I did things first to learn and then showed others. 

My idea of being a leader back then was to be able to do everything and show others how to do it. To be able to direct people effectively as well as motivate others. I also believed that I was the most effective person when it came with farm activities and by that logic I should be the one who does everything. That was a mistake, because in that I did not give others the opportunity to learn all new things. I did show them some things that even if they made mistakes it would not be big. Tasks like leveling a block of wet cement to make it smooth and shape it perfect level for a floor I did myself, because I feared if they made mistakes and the concrete dried it can’t be fixed again.  Also since I knew how to do things - because I have done it so many times - I did it faster. Another idea of leadership I had was to get things done fast and since I was the most effective I could get things done fast and did not give others the opportunity even though there was no real rush. I created the rush, the belief that tasks must be done fast to get to the other task. There was always so much to do I wanted to get to everything at once not even giving myself a proper break some days.

So, what as ‘cool’ was the point of getting to know something and showing others, directing others effectively and motivating them and that in that context I was at that stage the most effective person. But, the ‘mistakes’ were in regards to me not showing others how to get to know something, me not showing others how to DIRECT THEMSELVES effectively, me not showing others how to become the most effective person within specific tasks – so, I took it all onto me, and me alone, and did not assist/support others to become equal to me within the same process I have walked to stand in the position that I was standing. And so we would have all, in fact, become more effective in various responsibilities with equalizing our skills/learning from each other.

Eventually I realized that I cannot do everything myself and then delegated and gave others an opportunity to learn, but I should have done that in the beginning.

If I could go back I would give myself one thing - patience. To go tell myself to relax and Slow Down. To realize how I got to be effective - others showed me and I learned by doing a task myself and there was always somebody that could assist me if I got stuck. And then give that opportunity for others. Being a leader does not mean to know how to do everything and to be the best at it FOR ONLY YOU, it’s about acquiring the skills and knowl edge and to equally pass it on, doing one’s best in the process of acquiring skills/knowledge – I mean, ‘giving it your all’, because that’s your self expression, but to also ‘give it your all’ for each one, as oneself, to establish that ‘self leadership’ within self and a particular task. It is to be able to teach what you know and what you have done yourself and thus certain what works and what doesn't. Being a Leader is not to have followers, but to be able to teach others how to become a leader as well.

I later realized that I was not in fact the most effective at doing everything. For example I remember Andrew came for a visit and he was interested in wood work - making tables and cutting slats. Once he got started he was amazing and really good at it – a lot better than I was even though I have done it for a long while. And so I looked who was the most effective where and directed people according to that. 

I had a warped idea of what it means to be a leader and made a lot mistakes on the way. Eventually it became natural to me - people came with questions and I mostly had answers, but as you have read in my previous blogs I was still allowing stress and impatience to direct me. Right now for the last few months, because of my Grave’s Disease I am no longer able to do any physical activities so I had a break, so to speak. And it’s pretty cool, because I can now see what I have done and how I lived and prepare myself to walk anew with the realizations I’ve had in relation to the past.

Day 150 - Listening to my body

 

Listening to my body was a new thing to me, when I was introduced to walking Process.

When I was younger, still in school and got sick - I usually did not let it affect me, especially on holidays. I was once diagnosed with bronchitis and a throat infection when I was on a holiday, but I did not let it slow me down - I still went swimming in the ocean that was ice cold and partying etc. Looking at it now it was probably  a very bad idea, as there are so many variables involved with regards to how quickly it could have actually gotten worse, so I was actually ‘lucky’ that it didn’t with tempting fate in such a way. I should have listened to my body which told me I am sick and need to take it easy.

Another experience I had when I did not listen to my body was on a very hot summer day in the field. We were busy burning branches and weeds in the field and started pretty early. We had a big pile to burn so what I did was taking a few branches at a time and placed them on the fire. I could feel myself getting really warm - the fire itself was very hot and the sun was hot. I would get very thirsty and ask someone to go fetch me some water every now and then - I did not want to leave the others helping, alone with the fire.

I started to get tired from the heat and dehydrated. What I should have done was get one of the guys to stay with the fire while I went back to the house for a break and water, but I was stubborn and did not listen to my body. Since I was the one directing things with the fire i did not want to leave it - even though the other guys there helping me was more than capable to attend the fire. I believed that if I leave the fire something might go wrong and the fire will burn down the fields. So, in my stubbornness – I created this ‘position’ for myself in relation to everyone else, and wanted to hold that position in my Mind. Not wanting to admit that the others would in fact be alright with the fire, because that would mean that it would challenge the idea/position of myself I held in my mind in relation to the responsibility. And so, I did not want to challenge my ‘idea’ of myself and so justified why ‘I had to stay’ and not listen to/tend to my body/myself.

As the day went by I was actually getting a bit dizzy and muscles aching and legs hurting and getting exhausted, but I did not listen to my body and did what I always did - continue what I am doing regardless of what I feel almost a ''mind over matter'' kind of thing. I would say this was one of the first times where I actually pushed myself to the limit - even though it was completely unnecessary for me to do so, since the other guys could have handle it easily. But I was the ''leader'' and believed that if I left it wouldn’t be a good example of being a leader so I believed that I should be strong and continue. So, this is another point that I will open up in my posts, the IDEA I created about ‘leadership’ and what that means and then what it actually in fact mean in considering self and one’s relationship to others. Because in my mind, ‘to lead’ meant to more consider/regard OTHERS more than myself/my relationship to them and so I actually sabotaged myself more than in fact ‘stand as an living example’.

Eventually we were done for day (after putting out the fire by carrying 20 liter watering cans up and down the river). I went to go sit down being satisfied with the day’s accomplishments. Now the body is a wonderful thing - it reveals consequences and not always immediately. In my case it started at night. I was still exhausted, but something was very different. It started with a little head ache, then a little nausea followed by dizziness. Soon after it escalated and I felt as if my head was going to explode - the pain got very bad and so did the nausea. I managed to walk to Sunette and others on the farm and we soon realized I had a bad case of HEATSROKE.

My head was exploding along with my stomach and I was throwing up and not having a very good time. The others helped me out as well as the physical body with the necessary medications/rehydration’s and eventually after a while I started to get better. There I learnt the importance of the physical / my body. That I really should consider my body in what I am doing, but unfortunately i did not fully grasp what that actually meant yet - only that I will never push my body like that. Since that day I could not handle very hot days as well as I did before.  

If I look at it now i completely disregarded my body and what it was telling me and instead I used the Mind to create the idea that all I have to do is believe I can make it and I will. I must just push and fight through what I am feeling and my body will be fine. Within this seeing the mind as superior over the body and the mind as MORE real. This is not so. The reality here was my body telling me to sloooooow doooooown and me believing the mind to be better than the body. And the consequence was a nice case of the heatstrokes.

Day 149 - Feeling Constantly, Gravely Tired

 

When the hyperthyroidism effects started showing – a side-effect thereof was tiredness. At that time,  I was not yet aware of having Hyperthyroidism. However, because I was in this Internal Mind-Battle against my fear of failure/failing and I was pushing and pushing and pushing myself to not fail but remain disciplined, I connected the tiredness my physical body was experiencing, and tiredness in-itself to my internal battle. Because throughout my life, whenever I was tired – I would usually have used it to justify me more giving into the tiredness and not tend to responsibilities/tasks which contributed to me becoming and accepting and allowing my Laziness. And then when I started deciding to discipline myself more – I changed my definition to tiredness in using it to motivate me to push myself more, so every time I would get tired – it would activate me to become more disciplined. However, this time – the tiredness was “real” in terms of it actually being a side-effect of the hyperthyroidism. But, because I within and throughout my life – connected tiredness to mind definitions and polarities, and so never in fact had a relationship with my actual physical body, I THOUGHT in my Mind the tiredness was me not being effective enough in my inner-battle between laziness and discipline. And so here is an interesting point, regarding how much or how little we in fact KNOW our own physical bodies with the extent to which we participate and exist in the MIND.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I started feeling tired all the time, to believe that I am doing something wrong based on the mind-relationship I created towards tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself as not being effective anymore - because no matter what i did I could not stop the tiredness I was feeling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the tiredness - because I believed it was something out of my control - that I could do nothing about it - and that it is something more than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of me being tired all the time and that it is something that I should hide from others, because I accepted and allowed myself to in my mind define/judge tiredness as ‘weak’ so that I could empower my opposite experience as being ‘strong’. So, what I would do is judge tiredness as weak – but that part of me that judged tiredness as weak, was my Ego using tiredness as weakness so that in/as my Ego it could make itself ‘strong’ with not going into tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will judge me, because of me being tired all the time and thus i must act tough as though i am not tired even though i was

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ask for assistance from anyone, but to instead try get through this all by myself and this struggle unnecessarily just because i feared being judged and losing the self image I had of myself being a strong leader and believed that me being tired all the time is a sign of weakness

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my internal battle of constantly fighting with myself and all the reactions and backchats eventually placed too much stress on my body, because I did not direct it effectively and so contributed even MORE to what the physical body was going through in terms of the hyperthyroidism that I didn’t realize at that stage was manifesting, because I was too busy in my Mind

I commit myself to stop judging myself when I struggle with something and i commit myself to ask for assistance when I do my best at something and still struggle so that I do not struggle unnecessarily as I see, realize and understand that one cannot walk through life alone, and asking for assistance and support when I know that I have done everything I could and still can’t stand within a point – is not a sign of weakness, but the simple common sense of the fact that I do NOT KNOW everything, and only Ego would believe so and asking for assistance and support would in fact strengthen me and so another, as I would actually then LEARN from others and others would learn from me and so we grow/expand/develop through assisting and supporting ourselves and each other

I commit myself to stop the belief that being tired is a sign of weakness, being ‘tired’ is a physical experience in the sense that – when/as one do not have enough sleep or overwork the body, that is practical-reality physical tiredness, based on actual reality correlations / experiences. And so, I commit myself to assist and support me to always cross-reference reality with the physical body – for example, if/as I have not over an extended period of time overworked the body / slept too little and the tiredness persist and I can find no practical reality relationship that caused the tiredness: to immediately ask / consult a medical practitioner.

I commit myself to stop the fear of others judging me and realize that what i am going through is my process and ultimately is not their judgement that i fear - it is me judging myself.