Day 148 Facing Something New

 

Facing something new - anything that I have not yet done and don't know how to do that brings in an experience of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see new challenges and new points that bring uncertainty as being bad and something to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when facing uncertainty to go into fear that I would not know what to do and fail

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would screw up in this task, because I have not done it before and thus don’t know if I am able to do it

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that there is no way that I will know if I will fail with something unless I have given it my all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not good enough when facing a new point

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have faced new points in the past where I was uncertain and regardless of that I pushed through and moved past it and learned that it was not so bad and learned new things

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I see myself as not good enough for this new task at hand and fear that I would fail – I set myself up to fail – where I would create a pattern and face this new task with the starting point of ‘’I am going to fail’’ and then create that failure, instead of facing the task head on and giving it my best

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself a chance when facing a new task – to embrace this new challenge and see it as an opportunity to learn something new about myself and this particular task.

I commit myself to stop seeing new challenges and new points as bad and something to fear, instead I see it as an opportunity to expand myself and learn something new about myself

I commit myself  stop going into fear of failure when facing a new task, instead I breathe and realize that I have faced many new points and uncertainty and regardless of it I pushed through and did it as saw it was not as bad as I made it out to be

I commit myself to stop the belief and idea that if I do not know how to do something it means I cannot and judge myself as not good enough for it. Instead I realize that I did not know how to do many things I do now – and I know now, because I taught myself how and learnt from others and it is like this with many points. Thus when faced with new points I simply do not know how to do it…..yet.

Day 147 - I Have Graves Disease

 

I did the blood test and went to the doctor for my 6 weekly checkup to see how my body is responding to the medicine and my thyroid. The results came in and showed that the hormone levels are stabilizing, but not yet to where we want it. It also confirmed the cause of my hyperthyroidism - Graves Disease.

So we discussed the next step and goals for the future an d what options i have. The options I have are taking RadioactiveIodine pills. The thyroid is the only organ than absorbs iodine so with the pills being radioactive it kills part of the thyroid. The risks here are that it could completely kill my thyroid and  i would have to be on thyroid pills for the rest of my life - not an option i would want to take.

Another option is surgery - removing the poor thing. Taking out the thyroid/part of it. it leaves you with a sexy scar on your neck and may cause your voice to become hoarse and also has the risk of needing thyroid medication for the rest of your life.

The last option and my personal favorite is continue the medication I have that blocks the thyroid. Initially i had to take quite allot of pills, but now I can take allot less. This continues for 6 weeks then i do another blood test to check what my thyroid is doing and from there adjust the medication until we find a balance. Then after a year or two I go off it and see if my body stopped attacking my thyroid.

Graves Disease is an autoimmune disease where the body starts attacking/fighting itself in this case the thyroid. This causes the thyroid to start overproducing and become overactive. As to why the body suddenly decides to see the thyroid as a threat the medical industry does not know - it happens. I was disappointed and a bit 'gatvol' when i heard the news, but i was not surprised. I have always been unlucky - on the farm there actually a name for it '' the curse of the fidelis''. But instead of being sensitive about this ill am sensible. The results I got means I am improving and that I am getting somewhere. I feel allot better physically than I did 6 weeks ago and im not a skeleton anymore. I also got some of my strength back - I carried a 30 kg bag all by myself, although it felt like I was carrying a 50kg cement bag.

So there the update on what is currently happening in my life and the possible future that lays before me. What i find interesting is that we chose to write about me always fighting myself - lol - and today I hear my body is fighting itself, because of Graves disease.

Day 146 - Fear of Dying of Disease

 

When my body first started giving me problems i did not think it was a disease - i thought it was probably something im eating. I come from a line of bad genetics - bad teeth, cancer, asthma to name a few. It was only when i went to go see doctors about my body that i started to worry that the sins of my fathers will be laid upon  me so to speak - that I actually just might have a disease.

When i told the doctors the symptoms they asked me if there is cancer is the family and i would think to myself "" O shit, I might just have it"". It started to dawn on me that I just might die from some horrible disease. Yeay for me.

The doctors named a few sicknesses that it might be and it was some real scary sh it. That a tiny being in your body that kills you - having death inside of you and nothing you can do about it. You never think or believe that it will happen to you until it does - that you might actually die - this was the worse case scenario anyway.

I have experience death and loss a few times in my life, but never that i might die .The realization hit me and it was a different exp erience of myself - death. Where my body stop functioning and ends, returns to the earth. At first I was a bit shocked and feared it - this is something I have not faced on a personal level yet and I am not ready, then I was a bit angry at myself because if I die and thought what about my responsibilities here? What about all the things i still need to do? i wont be able to tend to them. Then I got sad, because I unfortunately know what loss feels like - to loose someone to death and others around me will experience it if I go, It is sad.

I told myself I would fight it and not give up, that I will not allow myself to die, lol. But then I realized that if it is really my time to go then its my time - everybody will die eventually. And that it is nothing to fear - there is no reason to fear death. I got a bit excited - a new experience. It was not a point of giving up - I would do to the best of my ability, but death is not something you fight, otherwise we go down the road of fighting yourself again. (This is different to each persons process, i am writing about my own here).

On Wednesday I have another appointment with my doctor - a checkup to see what my thyroid is doing is if the medication is working effectively. And on Monday i first need to do another blood test to check my thyroid hormone levels. 

Day 145 - Sensitivity to Sensibility

 

I am a sensitive person. Being a sensitive personality and character is what i have accepted myself to be. I am sensitive to pain - small things like scratches and especially pimple squeezing is quite painful for me. You can say i have low pain threshold. Interestingly when it comes to big pains like going fast downhill on a skateboard and loosing balance falling off and rolling and skidding on a tar road getting some serious road rash - I can handle.

I’ have also been sensitive to emotions and  feeling my whole life - I easily got affected. Also with conflict situations, because i was so sensitive towards it I would avoid it because I could not handle it.

This is a accepted behavior that I have made part of my life, but if I am allowing myself to be easily affected my situations and directed by it then I am not the directive principle in my life. I must be able to stand in every and all situations and not be affected or afflicted or directed by it. I must be the directive principle and not be sensitive, but be sensible. Sensitivity to sensibility.

I am not talking about being a ''macho man'' or masculinity. I am talking  Facing any and all points that come my way. Not giving into fear, but facing it head on no matter what. Real Strength is standing no matter what. And that is a difficult concept, because we get easily side tracked. It requires going against your own beliefs and perceptions and idea of yourself. It is so much easier to belief that I lack the power to do this - that I am not strong enough. But i am the one who created that idea of myself in the first place.

Sensitivity to sensibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a sensitive person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within myself and participate in the sensitive character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to so easily be affected by situations and not be able to handle myself well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid conflict situations, because I  believe myself to be too sensitive to handle it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the idea and belief that I am a sensitive person and thus be directed by emotions and feelings and situations and thus not able to stand strong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I lack the power and strength to stand in any and all situations not realizing that i am the one who created this belief despite everything that i have overcome thus far that proves i have the strength

I commit myself to stop being sensitive, instead I go from sensitivity to sensibility

I commit myself to stop the belief that I lack the strength and power to stand no matter what. instead i realize that I had the power all along and the proof is in all the times i did stand and overcame situations I thought never possible.

I commit myself to realize that although there are new challenges that come my way that may seem like it is bigger and tougher and too much  for me to handle - they are not. I stand and breathe through trusting that I am able and have the strength to move past it - this can only make me stronger.

I commit myself to stop being so ''thin skinned'', but instead give myself the skin of a rhino to be able to handle any situation.

i commit myself to when i am in a situation and react to it in a sensitive way. I stop and breath and be sensible - be aware of what I am doing and not allow myself to be directed by feelings emotions or situations, but instead i direct it

My own Personal Fight Club

 

In my previous blogs The main point was me fighting myself all the time - the polarity between being lazy and being disciplined and how I believed the only way to get disciplined from being lazy is to force it and fight myself - this is not the way to do it, there is no need.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how I created a polarity between being lazy and disciplined - and in that reacted to me being lazy and used that to fuel myself to become disciplined

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I used energy to fuel my motivation in order to be disciplined in order to be leaser, instead of it being a natural living expression or who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that change is difficult and must be forced and that the only to do so is with energy as thoughts, backchat and reactions from my mind to change who I am - not realizing that doing so I come from the mind. Doing this I only in my mind - from a lazy/negative energy to  discipline/positive energy and within this not really changing who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that although change is walked through resistance it does mean I need to fight through it/have a internal revolution -  I used force/energy to try and me what I have done is use energy against energy, raging a war against myself, and internal battle and thus making change  difficult for myself by creating more inner conflict

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand how to use physical breath - which is a real physical force that is gentle strong and direct. that it is pointless to fight myself and use energy to fight energy - adding more fire to the fuel and instead  using breath to simply not participate in the energy. By simply continuing in whatever I am doing physically moving myself while breathing and not participate in the mind.

Fighting with Myself - Leadership

 

One of the points that came up was fighting with myself within being in a leadership role. How i was in the beginning a person with no leadership skills and quite lazy to diving right into the role of being a leader and my idea of what i leader is or should be.

Before I came to the farm I was a lazy person. In school I did the least possible and generally stayed away from doing allot of work.

When I first came to the farm I did not know what to expect. We saw that there was quite a bit of work needed to be done and got started on it right away. Now there is me, my whole life trying to avoid any kind of work, now facing it head on. Understand that I looked forward to it, but faced allot of resistance when I started.

The first thing we did on the farm was unpacking everything. There was some heavy lifting involved. I don’t know if any of you ever moved to a new place, but the new farm was quite exciting so unpacking everything and settling in was fun. I did not feel like doing the work, but did it anyway.

At that time there were only 2 able bodied guys. LJ and I. I was the oldest so I took it upon myself, or more I believed I should take it upon myself to take the responsibility of being a ‘’leader’’. I did not have any idea what that means, I just dived right in.

I noticed that people would come to me when needing some advice on a particular task and I felt important within it. I believed it important to be in a leader position.  I defined myself as a leader, and to be a leader Is to have discipline and not be lazy. So I believed that I should fight myself, my laziness to keep it from creeping up on me and hinder my definition of being a leader.

Every time when I am faced with a feeling of resistance - I would fight it. The thoughts that would come up is: can’t give up, can’t give in, must push. I experienced it as a feeling creeping up bringing me down and that I would fight it to stop it

And I fought, hard. Eventually on some of the points it became natural, I changed. Where I no longer needed to fight myself. I was disciplined within myself in tasks. There were still some points I fought myself with.

 

What is interesting is that within all this my experience of myself was like me being hyper all the time, placing myself in hyperdrive in order to do everything believing it was the only way to get things done, but its not. Pushing through resistance does not mean fighting it - because the resistance is me and thus pointless to fight myself. I have been slowing myself down the past few weeks and breathing and stopped the endless fight with myself.

Journey - Listen to My Body : HYPERTHYROIDISM

 

Its been a while since my last blog. Those who were following this blog series know that i have been having problems with my body for a long time now. After lots of test and a hospital visit including a colonoscopy(not a fun thing...) I have finally found the name of the cause : Hyperthyroidism.

A Refresh on the symptoms I have: fatigue/decreased energy, constipation, frequent bowl movement, increased heart rate, muscle weakness, shaky hands/body, weight loss ( i lost 10 KG) sweating. All this, because of an over active thyroid.

A Hyperactive Thyroid is when the thyroid(sits in your neck) excessively produces thyroid hormones. The Thyroid hormone is important at a cellular level, affecting nearly every type of tissue in the body. Thyroid hormone functions as a controller of the pace of all of the processes in the body aka metabolic rate.

Now you know more about your Thyroid.

I am relieved that i know what it is, very. No more wondering. The body is a wondrous thing. Me and my body have been living together for some time now. Since i started with Desteni i have learned to listen to it. Your body shows you things about yourself so my body is revealing to me ....something. I am listening and beginning a new journey to find out more about myself.  

The first point I noticed was the word HYPER in hyperthyroidism. If i look at myself and what i do within task I am always rushing or tense, basically hyper. for a long time now. It became normal for me so i didn't notice it then, Now i did.

So here starts my journey - ill have a look at my symptoms and write on how It relates to my lifestyle/who i am. Stay Tuned