Fighting with Myself - Leadership

 

One of the points that came up was fighting with myself within being in a leadership role. How i was in the beginning a person with no leadership skills and quite lazy to diving right into the role of being a leader and my idea of what i leader is or should be.

Before I came to the farm I was a lazy person. In school I did the least possible and generally stayed away from doing allot of work.

When I first came to the farm I did not know what to expect. We saw that there was quite a bit of work needed to be done and got started on it right away. Now there is me, my whole life trying to avoid any kind of work, now facing it head on. Understand that I looked forward to it, but faced allot of resistance when I started.

The first thing we did on the farm was unpacking everything. There was some heavy lifting involved. I don’t know if any of you ever moved to a new place, but the new farm was quite exciting so unpacking everything and settling in was fun. I did not feel like doing the work, but did it anyway.

At that time there were only 2 able bodied guys. LJ and I. I was the oldest so I took it upon myself, or more I believed I should take it upon myself to take the responsibility of being a ‘’leader’’. I did not have any idea what that means, I just dived right in.

I noticed that people would come to me when needing some advice on a particular task and I felt important within it. I believed it important to be in a leader position.  I defined myself as a leader, and to be a leader Is to have discipline and not be lazy. So I believed that I should fight myself, my laziness to keep it from creeping up on me and hinder my definition of being a leader.

Every time when I am faced with a feeling of resistance - I would fight it. The thoughts that would come up is: can’t give up, can’t give in, must push. I experienced it as a feeling creeping up bringing me down and that I would fight it to stop it

And I fought, hard. Eventually on some of the points it became natural, I changed. Where I no longer needed to fight myself. I was disciplined within myself in tasks. There were still some points I fought myself with.

 

What is interesting is that within all this my experience of myself was like me being hyper all the time, placing myself in hyperdrive in order to do everything believing it was the only way to get things done, but its not. Pushing through resistance does not mean fighting it - because the resistance is me and thus pointless to fight myself. I have been slowing myself down the past few weeks and breathing and stopped the endless fight with myself.

Day 55 - Why Forgetting can not be an excuse

 

If you forget something you are not here in the moment or facing resistance where you sub consciously push it back and deliberately forget or deem something as unimportant and then forget

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that forgetting something is an excuse and something that I do not have any power over and that it just happens and is acceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when i do forget something and then to be hard on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am asked to do something later that i don't like to do to then in that resistance push it far back in my mind so that i can forget about it and sue that as a perfect excuse - all the while believing I'm innocent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when needing to something later that i deem small and insignificant to push it far back in my mind so that i can forget about it and sue that as a perfect excuse - all the while believing I'm innocent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when having a task to do later to not be here in the moment and to in that moment be in the mind and then already decide to forget it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on memory so that i do not forget  - not realizing that memory is limited and that by being here in every moment i would not have to remember as i can simply bring the moment here to see what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i need memory not realizing that i do not need to remember to wipe my ass or where clothes, but that it is an physical action that is here in the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be here in every moment but to be in the mind which is limited and not real and that if i am here in every moment i would never forget

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so overwhelmed with all the things i do daily that i believe its too much to handle and that i cannot keep up and then to forget things because im constantly busy in my mind with fearing that i will forget something - and then in the mind i am not here in reality and then i create the point of forgetting

I commit myself to stop forgetting things

I commit myself to stop being hard on myself and to not judge myself when i do forget something, but to find the reason why i did forget and to correct myself so that i do not make the same mistake again

I commit myself to stop using forgetfulness and an excuse and to see that it is actually a deliberate act

i commit myself to take self responsibility by not forgetting by dedicating myself to be here in every moment

I commit myself to stop relying on memory so that i do not forget but to be here in breath

I commit myself to when asked to do something that i do not like to stop the resistance and to see it is not real and then be here so that can do it

I commit myself to when asked to do something that i deem insignificant to realize that im judging something based on a believe that i have so i stop it and do it anyway 

I commit myself to breathe and to realize that if i feel overwhelmed i am not breathing and if i am not breathing then i am going to forget things since i am not here but in my mind

How Silence Brings Life

Self silence is when nothing moves in you – you are here. No thing that is not self directed moves within you.

Obviously this is a process so what we do is use Breath to be able to see the thoughts feelings and emotions as they come up.

We Humans are not breathing – we are not aware of our breath which is shocking because breathing is that which gives us life.

If you look at dolphins – their breathing is not automatic – they have to physically with awareness take a breath and can choose not to take the next breath and die.

So when you are aware of your breath you are here – when you not aware of your breath your in your head in another world. So when you notice you are not in fact breathing here you know your not here. Then you look at what thoughts came up in that moment that kept you from being here and do forgiveness on it with effective self corrective statements that you can live by.

Same with emotions and feelings – as they come up you deal with it. Anything that moves in you that you didn't direct you must investigate what it is and deal with it immediately.  You want to eventually have nothing move in you – silence Here. This is a process of becoming self directed where nothing can move you.

If you are asking what is self forgiveness go here – www.desteni.org