My own Personal Fight Club

 

In my previous blogs The main point was me fighting myself all the time - the polarity between being lazy and being disciplined and how I believed the only way to get disciplined from being lazy is to force it and fight myself - this is not the way to do it, there is no need.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how I created a polarity between being lazy and disciplined - and in that reacted to me being lazy and used that to fuel myself to become disciplined

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I used energy to fuel my motivation in order to be disciplined in order to be leaser, instead of it being a natural living expression or who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that change is difficult and must be forced and that the only to do so is with energy as thoughts, backchat and reactions from my mind to change who I am - not realizing that doing so I come from the mind. Doing this I only in my mind - from a lazy/negative energy to  discipline/positive energy and within this not really changing who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that although change is walked through resistance it does mean I need to fight through it/have a internal revolution -  I used force/energy to try and me what I have done is use energy against energy, raging a war against myself, and internal battle and thus making change  difficult for myself by creating more inner conflict

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand how to use physical breath - which is a real physical force that is gentle strong and direct. that it is pointless to fight myself and use energy to fight energy - adding more fire to the fuel and instead  using breath to simply not participate in the energy. By simply continuing in whatever I am doing physically moving myself while breathing and not participate in the mind.

A story about Strength and Powerlessness

 

It has been a while since my last blog. The reason why is, because I allowed how i feel to control and direct me. A story first:

I have problems with my body and have been to doctors who still dont know what is happening to me, I went to have a colonoscopy  at the hospital last week Friday and let me tell you that is not fun. In order to have a colonoscopy done you have to first clear out your sytem - meaning they give you a very strong laxative the day before to get all the shit out. You also cannot eat anything. So that Thursday i was very hungry and shitting most of the day. By Friday morning before the procedure i was feeling like shit.

Unfortunately for me they did not find anything. Fortunately they did not find anything - good and bad news, because I still don't know what it is. last week i had an ear infection and now i have the FLU.

I am now on an diet where i only eat whole foods for a month to see if it might be something that i am eating that is not agreeing with my body and that takes some time. I basically cannot eat most of the foods I usually eat so that is fun as well. If the Diet does not work or i get worse then i would have to go back to a hospital to do more test. 

Through all of this i have leaned that i must stand no matter what, to not allow anything to get to me or influence me in terms of who i am. But that has proven to be easier said than done. i stand and breathe and then something new comes along like an ear infection or the FLU and then i allow myself to get angry at myself and then i fall on that point, Where I should have not allowed it to inFLUence me as who i am and feel powerless. Give myself and realize that i have the strength and power to get through this - and apply it.

More on this tomorrow

Day 140 - Pain and Discomfort Letting you Down?

 

I have had stomach problems for a long time now, went to the doctor a month ago and said i might have an infection. After the medication it showed i did not have an infection and the next step is to stick a camera up there to see what is happening. Im really not looking forward to this.

The last six month with my stomach problems has gotten to me - meaning i am allowing myself to become more sad, irritated and angry. This problem I have is not going away. The backchat about it is accumulating and im not stopping it and breathing which is why im getting sad, irritated and angry.

Now i will write it out of me so that I can stop this from happening, stop being overwhelmed by my condition whatever it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, because of the pain and discomfort i feel

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated, because of how i feel physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad and depressed, because my stomach problems are not going away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become affected and directed by how I feel physically

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my anger to lash out and take it out on other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my anger to have backchat about things and think about situations where i am angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become less effective, because i allowed the pain and discomfort to influence who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to push through the feeling of wanting to give up and give into the discomfort and pain - instead of pushing through.

I commit myself to stop being angry, because of the discomfort i feel - and to instead breath and stop the anger

I commit myself to stop being irritated, because of the discomfort I feel - and to instead breath and stop the irritated

I commit myself to stop being sad, because of the discomfort I feel - and to instead breath and stop the sadness

I commit myself to stop being directed by how i feel physically in terms of being emotionally directed - and to instead not be directed by how i feel.

I commit myself to stop the the backchat and not to continue and keep on fueling it.

I commit myself to stay consistent

I commit myself to stop lashing out and taking my anger out on people, instead I stop the anger and backchat and make sure that when I speak to people i am clear within myself