I am a Musician

 

Forgive me listeners for I have sinned - It has been a while since I released a song...

I have been involved with music my whole life. From playing the piano to playing bands to forming Robot Virgins and producing/writing songs with various other Artists. It has been an enjoyable journey thus far.

It takes allot of time and patience and dedication to write and produce a song - Some songs took me days and most took weeks and even months. It is very satisfying when A song is done. These days I mostly listen to my own songs and songs I have produced. Lately is has become increasingly difficult to write music. I have a few songs that I wrote, but they are not good enough. So I write this blog to find the reasons why I am struggling to write music these days.

My first question to myself is why am I a musician? Why do I write songs? Why Am I doing it?

My first reason was that my mother introduced me to music by teaching me the piano. As a young child playing the piano I noticed that people were amazed by me playing it - I was being appreciated and got attention for doing it and so that was my reason. As I got older and learnt other instruments and played with friends they appreciated me and I got attention and was fitting in. Which became my drive to improve my skills and become better at the instruments I was playing. I started writing songs and formed bands all the while getting attention and being appreciated. In a Nutshell - I was a musician to be appreciated and get attention and to fit in - got good at being a musician and simply continued doing it. All this was sub-couscous - I was not aware of it until much later after I became a part of the Desteni Process.

Before We started Robot Virgins I had a collection of songs I wrote through out the years - most not particularly good, but I enjoyed the process of writing music. It is creating something out of seemingly nothing. Using sounds and notes, shaping and structuring into a flow and you have a song. I mostly did music only - always had a difficult time with placing words to music. That was the one part of music I really enjoy - writing music and then listening to my own music.

Robot Virgins formed. I learnt how to produce music on a computer by myself which was awesome, because now I can write songs, record songs and produce songs. The first official song I recorded and produced  was Robot Virgins - Your Truth which turned out to be an All time favorite. As I was writing the song with help from Cerise I wrote it with other people in mind - meaning I was writing it for people who experience was the song is about. Only later after a few months of release did I realize The words are specific to me - I wrote the song for myself. It was interesting.

So Why Am I a Musician now. It is something that I am good at. It is a method to get a message across to assist and support people to realize something about themselves they have not yet realized. My starting Point within All this was still writing for others and not doing it for myself as well. I used to play guitar and drums and piano for the sake of simply playing because I enjoy it, but I have not done that in a long time - to play for myself. I started a few days ago to once again just play on instruments for myself.

I will continue this on the morrow as I go into more detail how I looked for my Muse and realized my Muse was me all along.....

Day 161 - Change is possible.

 

I am busy with a project where I take pictures of trees. It started a few years ago when we first planted fruit trees. What I did is: stand in the same place and take pictures of a tree once in a while and then after a while I have a time-lapse of the tree’s growth. I can see how the trees have grown over the years when I view the pictures in order.

It is fascinating to see this, because trees grow very slowly. So slow that you do not even notice it. It is only after a few years that you look at this tree and go: "wow, you have grown". I have a collection now of a few select fruit trees and will make a video for all to see soon. This first picture here is the first Fig tree we had on the farm and the second shows how big it has grown over the years.

The same can be said to how we change within ourselves. We do not notice how much we have changed and overcome - it is only when you look back do you realize that you have grown/changed, but you do not see it as it is happening.

That is how I have experienced progress within myself in regards to my process of self-change  to become an effective living human being. When I first started my process, one of the points that came up  within me was: "this is taking too long, I am getting nowhere". We have the desire to get things done fast, to see results right now and when we do not – it becomes easier to give up. We learn from TV and advertisements where things move fast and as soon as something takes too long, we think it not worth it or less than. Like a computer for instance: They made an expensive laptop that completely starts up within 2 seconds, because waiting another 28 seconds is just not good enough anymore.

Within all this haste and expectations this fig tree still grows - slowly but surely, consistently branching out as it expands itself and deepens its roots to become more stable . Soon it will bear fruit that will provide sustenance for others. We should all learn from this tree. Change is a slow process and it takes time. It is to be patient and consistent within all you do and not giving up or giving in and after a while when you look back you go “wow, I have grown/changed", just like it is with the tree. 

Doing it for Myself

 

Doing something for yourself is considered being selfish. Today I am looking at another dimension of this word. A big part of this journey to life is to write about yourself or to write yourself out - basically focus on yourself to become an effective living human being. Some may see this as being selfish saying " you must help others to make this world a better place, so focusing on yourself is being selfish!!!". The question here is: how does one / can one assist others when you can’t even /haven’t assisted yourself? You start with yourself to be effective and to be able to support another.

We’re all like in a big steaming pile of quicksand - before you can pull others out, you have to first get yourself out. Like what they tell you in the airplane safety video "In the unlikely event when there is trouble with the plane, first secure your own oxygen mask before helping others". It is not being selfish - you simply can’t help others when you are suffocating.

Within this all, I do I look at my starting point for example working around the farm and watering trees or planting trees. I am doing it for the trees - to feed the trees and grow more. Within this I am doing it for myself as well, support and assist myself to be here in the moment.

What brought this point up was with doing a particular task that you do not like or have no issue with like cleaning for example. It does not bother me when a house is not sparkling clean - I have no issue with a house that is not exactly clean, but my partner does. So when I cleaned I did not do it for myself, but I did it for her because it makes her happy. The problem with this is: I create an expectation within myself of how the other person will react to me cleaning and being happy and when a event occurs that does not meet my expectations I get angry. Within this I realized that Although I was cleaning "for the other person" from a selfless point it was not in fact unconditional. I was cleaning "for her" to be happy and when she is happy I am satisfied - but then the reason I cleaned was for me to be happy, which was depended from another persons actions.

I am not saying that you should NOT do  something for another person - simply look at the starting point. Now I feed two birds with one big piece of bread ( The 2 birds, 1 stone thing is not cool): I clean to assist and support myself to be active and working/aligning with the physical again after a long time being unable to due to my condition AND it satisfies my partner. Now I actually enjoy having a clean house.

Self-Value and Self-Worth and Repetitive Failure

Writing about value and self-worth

When I judge myself as ‘not good enough’ or ‘not worthy’: I have no value for myself. Within this starting point, everything I do will be doomed to fail, because I see myself as not good enough and thus I have set myself up to fail even before I started. I create my own failure.

If who I am has no value or self-worth as judged by myself - then giving up is an easy thing. It is easier to give up on yourself and a particular task than it is to actually do it and push through by giving it your all. The question is what is “your all”? When “your all” is self-value and self-worth then self-judgments of unworthiness would not exist within you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as unworthy and not good enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep reminding myself through backchat and thoughts that I am not good enough – trapping myself in an endless cycle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and judge myself as having no value and everything I do has no value and worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this judgement create events and situations where I fail and am not good enough to prove to myself that I am not not good enough and will always fail

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I keep on judging myself as unworthy and not good enough - I will always give up on myself and everything I do will represent how I see myself as having no worth/value.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that self-judgments of unworthiness and a failure I create failure within everything I do even before I have started.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I created the idea that I have no value or self-worth and that it is a belief and not real, because I do have the ability to change it and will only be/remain real in my Mind if/as I do not assist and support myself to in fact change. Meaning, it is real and it isn’t real – it is real, in the sense that I am continuing to in my Mind accept/allow it to be real and it isn’t real, in the sense that I have the ability / ‘power’ to change it/transform it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of this belief and idea that is not real so that I can free myself from it and stop limiting myself and my potential and start moving myself by doing and pushing through within all I do

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that If I have self-worth and self-value then unworthiness and not being good enough will not exist within me.

I commit myself to stop judging myself as not good enough and not having any self-worth/value. I realize these are beliefs and ideas I have created within myself and that it is not real

I commit myself to stop the thoughts and backchat of ‘’I am not good enough”,” I have no value”,” I am “unworthy” and stop limiting myself.

I commit myself to stop trapping myself in an endless cycle of failure by stopping the belief and idea that I am a failure, instead I push through within all I do the best of my ability and if I do fail I learn from it and move on

I commit myself to realize the self-worth and self-value I have by seeing how far I have come and everything I have faced thus far and pushed through. To realize the stability and trust I have created within this all and by judging myself as not worthy or good enough is me dishonoring myself and all I done thus far.

I commit myself to let go of this self-judgment and move on and not allow this to limit my life and instead give my all within what I do.

Day 158 - Uselessness

 

I Have touched on the subject in my other blog post of me seeing myself as weak and not strong in my previous post, Before I continue with that I’'m going to write about another point that came up within that which is uselessness.

Its been almost 9 months since my first symptoms started of the Grave disease that I have. Before that I have been mostly busy with physical work. That was what I did during my days - got physical with the earth and I enjoyed it and got quite good at it. I have been unable to do any physical work for almost 6 months now and going from being outside doing physical work to being inside the house was a massive change to my schedule. It was like a whole new world and a new chapter in my life. People had to take over from me the things I used to be able to do and within that I felt useless. Some people would have liked the experience of others doing your bidding (lol), but I did not. I had this experience and energetic reaction within myself whenever I had to ask someone to assist me which was in part the reason for my previous post on hurting my back.

Basically I felt useless, because I could not do what I usually did and was good at - that took me time effort to become effective within it which also brought up anger towards myself for the situation I placed myself in. What I did not realize is that I have been doing things for other people that did not have the time as well as other important things. Although they are not physical work I have not been in fact useless and it is just a belief I had. Now that I have been feeling better I started to take on more responsibility and activities - all new experiences for me so that has been cool.

The most labour intensive task I do now is probably the most difficult thing I have ever done and struggle with greatly is.....cleaning. Seriously - I would clean the one day and by the next day I question my sanity, because the house is dirty again and I could have sworn I cleaned it the previous day. At least with mixing cement, throwing concrete and building walls once your done its done and stays that way for many, many years. With cleaning its like I'm getting nowhere. I feel a bit sorry for my parents who had to clean up after me all those years ago. So yes - I learn new things and thus expanding on all that My abilities so that one day I can say - I have done it all.

Back to my original point. A big change came upon my life and I looked at it negatively and saw it as Grave and the end of my world, But it was just the beginning of a new chapter bringing new opportunities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am useless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, because I believed I was useless just because I was not able to do anything that I used to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an energetic reaction and thoughts of 'I'm useless' whenever I had to ask someone to do something for me that I used to do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally accept the support that was given to me and instead be irritated when someone offered help, because I saw me being unable to do it as me being weak and useless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at this big change in my life as something bad and immediately reacted negatively to it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see this change as A new experience, a new chapter in my life with new opportunities and ways to leant more about myself to expand myself.

I commit myself to stop the belief of me being useless - instead I realize that I am doing other things and am in fact not useless

I commit myself to stop being angry for the situation I am and realize I placed myself here and to make the best of it

I commit myself to stop looking at this change as something bad/negative just because I cant do the things I used to do and was good at - instead I take with me all that I have learnt about myself while working with the earth and be grateful for the opportunity

I commit myself to accept assistance without reacting towards it as me being useless just because I am not able to do it myself anymore

I commit myself to realize that I have a great opportunity within this change in my life to learn new things and expand myself.

What is Strength Really?

 

Strength and Weakness - Here I am going to look at the definitions of the words strength and weakness, how I defined the words in the past and how I redefined them for myself now

Here I will start with how I looked at strength/weakness in school:

In school, strength and weakness played a role. In sports you want to be strong to be a good player - make the team to show your friends and the girls how strong you are. If you don't make the team, you are weak. I was never a sports fan and neither were my friends. I was a surfer and skateboarder and we used to make fun of the ''jocks'' taking sports so seriously, but most of these jocks were friends as well.

Strength was ego. Strength was muscles. Strength was not crying.  Bullies showed their strength by picking on the weak. Strength was competition to always be better than others. Strength was being a rebel and breaking the rules. Weakness was being beaten by bullies. Weakness was being the silent type. Weakness was being the weirdo, the geek, the loser, the ugly and the guy who never managed to get a girl. Weakness was not ''going with the flow'' and not doing what everybody else was doing. Weakness was being smart. Strength was good - Weakness was bad.

I was neither strong or weak in school, but could see how important it was in terms of being accepted or rejected. To sum it up - Strength and weakness had a lot to do with outer appearances and how you ''acted'' /behaved and interacted within your social environment. So, strength and weakness did not only go to physical appearance/muscle, but also extending to personality/characteristics/behavior and one’s position/place within the social networks/environments.

Now, here are some relationships between strength and weakness when having a look at human nature:

Now let’s look at it from a global scale. Strength Is Military - countries flexing their military muscles, physically and through machinery/systems/weapons to show they are better - competition. Just like in school where strength is muscles and the machinery/artillery/weapons are what characteristics/personality traits/behaviors can be used to ‘show off’ ‘strength’ on a ‘mental level’. Thus participating in this idea we accept and allow war to exist even within ourselves, in our ‘small worlds’, from childhood. For example: Weakness is seen to be 3rd World Countries along with the poor. We accept and allow poverty to exist, because we would rather flex military muscle / money and not risk our economy - than aiding the poor to eradicate poverty - otherwise we risk being equal, where strength and weakness does not exist: As in, “I can’t be strong unless others are weak, so therefore – I will keep the weak in their place, so that I can remain in my definition of strong”. Like in school where you would rather beat and pick on the "weaklings" instead of assisting and supporting them, and by doing this in the ‘small worlds’ - you accept and allow it to exist in the ‘big world’ where the strong prey on the weak, where the rich prey on the poor, and so we in the small and the big accept and allow the consequence of the polarity of strength and weakness, of poverty and the rich. Because, for the ‘strong to exist’, the ‘weak must exist’ – and so therefore, we will not change because of that definition of who we are in/as the illusion, idea, perception and belief of what it means to be ‘strong’. So, as children – we ‘prey’ on the weak, as grown-ups – we ‘prey’ on the weak; it’s an inherent accepted and allowed nature within us humans, where you’re stuck in either the strong/weak polarity and/or on the ‘outside’, mentally, physically or because of your life/living conditions. Why are we individually and collectively accepting and allowing such a polarity to exist within us? Why have we not considered equality, assistance, support?

Fast forward a few years with me starting with the Desteni process and me being on the farm. Everything I have learnt about strength and weakness throughout my life was not real - it is all just an act - a means to fit in and a means of survival to always be the best. ''The Strong will prosper and the weak will perish'' - so we beat on the weak so that we look stronger and better.

Strength - what is it really? Here is how I see strength now:

Strength is me - I am strength. It is not something outside myself like muscles or acting - It is who I am as a presence, as a ‘way of being/living’. In this, this self-strength is not defined by/through being attached to a polarity of weak/weakness, meaning there isn’t something/someone in my outside world that I use/abuse to make me feel strong/superior. Strength is/should be a living expression, a stand of character, a stability of presence. Meaning, it is a form of stability and self-trust that no matter what you face in life there is a knowing and certainty that you are able to walk through it. Strength is being consistent. Strength is walking through resistance you experience inside yourself and push through and always be self-directed. Strength is to not accept and allow your actions and who you are to harm another being. Strength is to become the change you want to see in this world.

Weakness Is a gift - whenever I fall on a point it is not a point of judgement saying I'm too weak for this'', but rather it shows where I am not yet effective. My own personal Life Trainer/Buddy that reveals where I require some direction.

I will continue in the next post expanding more on strength to give some practical examples of how I have come to redefine strength for me

Day 156 - Ask and you shall receive - Or Be silent and suffer

 

 

The heading seems a bit gloomy and doomy, which is how I feel today. I’ll start with words of wisdom that each one should take to heart and live by, for it will make your life easier and take away some of the struggle: ''Read the Manual''

With most things that require assembling, like a cupboard or a table - they include this piece of paper that has all the instructions on how to assemble it. Some people completely ignore this ‘holy grail’ believing they do not need such a thing - stubbornly claiming ''I can do it myself '' or " I'm a manly man and manuals are mainly for plainly wussy people''. Most of the time this stubbornness leads to a scene of a very irritated ''manly man'' struggling to assemble the thing and in his effort to protect his pride, absolutely refuses any help.

Read the manual - they put it there for a reason. And I can tell you from experience as a person who reads the manual that it has made my life easier. So heed my words as this is one of life's lessons that I have learned.

Now to some other words of wisdom. What  you are about to read will amaze you in its simplicity and how astonishingly helpful it will be once you apply this: ''Ask and you shall receive''

I have not yet fully grasped this wisdom as of yet -Even though I Read the Manual, which is like asking for assistance. I will explain my conundrum and the reason for my gloominess. Yesterday evening I was helping out with preparing my stable. The power was out which meant we had to fill up the water buckets underneath the tap and then carry them to the stables. With my Graves disease I have been inactive and not as strong as I used to be and I also have back problems so as I was filling up this water bucket of doom I knew it would be too much of a strain on my back to carry it and I should ASK so that I can RECIEVE assistance. Alas I did not and told myself that ''I can do it myself''. I carried that bucket and immediately regretted my decision - it was a great struggle for me and today I suffered the consequences. My back has been very sore today.

All could have been avoided if I simply asked for help like I ask those manuals filled with great wisdom.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ask for assistance when I require it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I am not capable anymore of carrying heavy things to see it as me being useless and unhelpful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stubborn and believe that I do not need any help when I can clearly see that I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an emotional reaction to me not being as strong as I used to be and see that as me being weak, not seeing for what it really is which is simply me not being as strong as I used to be – and this only from a ‘physical perspective’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to prove that I am not weak by trying to carry something I am clearly not capable of carrying - not realizing that strength has nothing to do with muscle power and instead has all to do with my beingness/who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for doing such a silly thing and judging myself because of it.

I commit myself to ask for assistance when I need it

I commit myself to stop the belief that I am useless because I cannot help out with heavy objects anymore - Instead I realize that my body is not as strong anymore and thus I am physically unable to carry heavy things

I commit myself to stop being stubborn and instead listen to common sense

I commit myself to stop the reaction to me not being as strong as I used to be and seeing myself as weak, Instead I see it for what is really is - I am simply not strong anymore and there is nothing weak about it - it simply is

I commit myself to stop judging myself when I did something silly - instead I learn from the event and make sure I do not do it again

I commit myself to stop being angry at myself for hurting my back - instead I stop the anger and realize that anger will do nothing but fumigate me and is useless. I turn that anger into something practical like finding the reason why I hurt myself so that I do not do it again.