Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Day 64 - Also attracted to broken girls?

 

Some introspection.

I was reading Gian's blog about being attracted to broken girls and i looked back in my life and realized I was the same. When i was in school i was attracted to girls who had something do-you-ponder-me-yet happen to them in the past or who are sad and depressed.

I remember a girl I was 'dating' in school and I liked her - she had problems with passing out at school and being generally distracted and i wanted to help her because I saw she needed help. And for me to help a girl back then was to be with her which meant dating her which will make her feel better. It pained me to see her suffer so I did all i could to help her - i found out she was bulimic which was the reason she passed out - because she wasn't eating.

Then there was another girl who I friends with who had a boyfriend who died in a car crash - they had a fight and he got very angry and went for a drive and then crashed. She was not the same after that so i wanted to help her because it pained me to see her sad and depressed about it.

I never questioned this point to find the reason why I liked girls who need saving. The reason why was because of my mother when she died the pain i went through has unbearable for me. And i did not want anybody to experience what i went through and thus i wanted to save people and help them get over it so that they don't suffer like I did - and it made me feel better about myself as i was also very depressed at this time and doing things like helping people i could handle the depression. And i was good at helping my friends when it came to their problems - but I could never help myself. I never even thought about helping myself, never occurred to me.

I never realized that i was the one who created the depression - and in that decision i created the character of wanting to save others from going through what i was going through. I never realized that i can then assist and support myself by getting rid of the depression, because i created it after all - i accepted and allowed it within me for years.

And that is what i did - with the tools I learned from Desteni I was able to get rid of the depression and to start living again and be self directive. Go to the forums for more information and i will also be continuing on the morrow with part two.

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