Day 125 - Giving up On Myself? Why do that?

 

I listened to This interview: Giving Up on Myself - Life Review. What i found fascinating is how it explains Why we give up on ourselves.

Why is it that when we have are looking forward to do something like for example learn to play an instrument, build something yourself or doing something you always wanted to do and then end up not doing it and give up on doing it? Why do get that deep sinking feeling that makes us want to give up - what is that voice in our heads that say ''I cannot do it''. And within this we never give it our best shot - never giving it our all. I look back at my life and wonder how different my life would have been if I made the decision to give it my all within what I was doing and how i could have developed myself and various skills. IF i had given it my all during school I know i would have done better. If i had given it my all when i did classical piano I would now have been a professional pianist. the same with other instruments.

Its not just that - In school i was always shy and hiding always afraid. If I had stopped that and given myself the opportunity to break and walk through my fears and given it my all i would have enjoyed it better.

After listening to this interview I gave me clarity. I could see that i wasted my life half-assing everything. And it gave me insight, assistance and support to move myself to become effective.

So listen and enjoy : Download

Day 124 - A Feeling of Being Stuck?

 

I had a look at my overall experience of myself and what came up was the word stuck. I feel stuck. I do not know how get myself unstuck, but that is not true.

Being stuck and not knowing what to do is an obvious consequence of not creating a path for myself so that I know what to do. I have to create for myself  what to do and then do it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have a feeling of being stuck

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed  myself   to create this feeing of being stuck and to believe it to be real

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed  myself to listen to this feeling and to become it where I believe that i do not know what to do about it

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed  myself to have the thought '' I do not know what to do'' and to listen to this thought and believe it to be real and have power over me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed  myself to be directed by this thought

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed  myself to stop this thought when it first came up and direct it and delete it from my existence so that I wont be directed by it - and in allowing this thought to continue I became it as a total experience of constricting and limiting myself and not move of as i allowed myself to become ineffective 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed  myself to allow this thought within myself and the resulting feeling of being stuck and then me allowing this feeling to make me ineffective within blogging effectively, writing music, breathing, my awareness and my body.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed  myself to realize that if I had stop that thought when it first came up and saw it for what was  - bullshit - none of the above would have manifested in my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed  myself to realize the importance of stopping these  thoughts and to realize the outflow and consequence of not stopping these thoughts

I commit myself to stop the feeling and belief that i am stuck - instead i realize that it is a justification i use not to move on, because I fear moving on.

I commit myself to stop the fear of moving on and realize that there is no point to fear change, instead i embrace change, because with every change there is something new where i can test  develop my effeteness.

I commit myself to stop the thought of ' I do not know what to do'

I commit myself to create my path so that i Do know what to do - writing and supporting myself and others, music, supporting the Equal Life Foundation, Equal Money system, being aware and grateful and respectful of all the beings in my world who make it possible for me to be alive.

I commit myself to stop these thoughts so that it does not direct me , but so that i can be the directive principle in my life.

I commit myself to not allow a feeling or a thought to affect my effectiveness, instead i commit myself to be consistently effective.

Thank you for reading my blog and being part of my journey to life - if you want to start a journey to life and stop being controlled you are gonna need the right tools. The following course is free and it has the tools and methods i use everyday in my life:

Go here: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

Day 123 - Stomach problems continue

 

An update on my body:

I have now gone almost 2 weeks without gluten. Thus far there has been no improvement and I started loosing weight and getting very tired. So instead of struggling to find the reason and diagnoses I going to a doctor. I have attempted to sort this out myself for months now without success so it time to seek professional advise.

P.S. Regarding my back - I was fine not rolling over in my sleep until last night and woke up this morning with a nice fresh neck and back pain. Lets see how this develops. A problem is that my back is out and hurting so I'm going to get it set again

Within all this to me it seems that I failed in fixing my stomach problems myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if i have failed in fixing myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because my problem is not going away I am doing something wrong

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that it might be something worse and thus anticipate the worse

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create fear and anxiety in wondering ht could be happening to me

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that i wont know for sure what is causing the problems with my body until I see a doctor

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself to having this problem where it affects my daily life and keeping me from fully participate

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to go to a doctor, because of me being stubborn in not wanting to admit that there is something happing to me that requires attention

I commit myself to stop wanting to do EVERYTHING myself - instead i realize that there are things that i cannot possibly do myself and that i do need assistance

I commit myself to stop the belief that i am doing something wrong if something takes longer than i expected it to  - instead i breath and be patient

I commit myself to  stop always anticipating the worse and create fear and anxiety - instead i see it is what it is and fearing it won change a thing so i stop

I commit myself to stop being angry at myself for not being able to participate effectively in my daily routine and to realize that if my body cannot handle it i will only harm myself more by not listening

I commit myself to when necessary to not wait in stubbornness but to seek out medical attention when needed.

Thanks

Day 122 - How to assist yourself to stop sleeping on your stomach

 

My previous blog was me writing abut my lower back problems that are related to me sleeping on my stomach for years. This is how i am going to approach it for assist myself:

Here is an extract:

I am very uncomfortable everyday with my stomach problems and even more so going gluten-free. So what happens ''sub consciously'' when i am asleep  is that i want to be comfortable and thus roll over and sleep on my stomach. yes - even asleep you are still the one who decides what happens - i make the choice to sleep on my stomach.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give into the discomfort i am experiencing and allow it to influence me and who i am 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be like a short fuse ready to explode and to take out my anger on those close to me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself and walk around moody as if the world has ended, because of how i feel

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to allow the discomfort i am feeling to make me long for being comfortable

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to in my quest to be comfortable to roll over on my stomach in my sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only fall asleep on my stomach and that sleeping any other way I would not be able to have a good nights sleep

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have created the preference for sleeping on my stomach and just because I have been doing it all my life does not mean I cant sleep any way else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not responsible for what happens when I am asleep

I commit myself to allowing my discomfort to affect who I am , instead I breathe through the discomfort so that I am the directive principle and not directed by it

I commit myself to stop feeling sorry for myself - instead I go on standing strong

I commit myself to stop being like a short fuse and snap at people, instead I realize it is back chat and build up suppressions of me feeling sorry for myself which I stop as son as it comes up

I commit myself to stop allowing my discomfort to influence me to want to be comfortable as an desire that forces me to sleep on my stomach - instead I realize that  just because my stomach and back is causing discomfort in those areas - does not mean I as a whole need to be uncomfortable

I commit myself to stop the belief that I can only sleep on my stomach - instead  I realize that i am able to sleep on my back or side perfectly ok.

I commit myself to take self responsibility for when i am asleep to NOT roll over on my stomach , instead I stay on my back or side and push through the resistance I experience within my belief that i can only sleep on my stomach.

Day 121 - Sleeping on your Stomach? Help with Back Problems

 

My back hurts - allot

I have always been sleeping on my stomach - its my comfortable sleeping position since i can remember. Its nice and cozy sleeping on my stomach and any other position is uncomfortable and it takes longer to fall asleep.

It has been fine sleeping on my stomach until recently...

I’ve been having lower back problems and needed to go to a chi ropractor often. at first i believed it was because of the farm activities i have been doing - like hauling sand bags for weeks or carrying 25 liter water bottles and not using my back correctly. But low and behold it was not that.

i noticed it was when i woke in the mornings with neck pain and back pain. I did some research and found out that sleeping on your back for a long time causes lower back pain eventually. Yeay for me...

Basically what happens is when you sleep on your stomach your neck is turned while you back is straight which causes tension on your lower back where it is constantly under strain. Now when i sleep on my stomach for one night my back is out. This is problematic for me, because living on the farm and participating in activities i require my back to NOT be out and in pain so it limits me.

The solution to this is to simply not sleep on my stomach anymore, but as it turns out it is not as simple as that for me. I force myself now to sleep on my side or back, but during the night while im asleep I roll over onto my stomach, lol.

The first time what i did is strap something to my chest so that when i do roll over in my sleep it will hurt me and ill wake up and not sleep on my stomach. This worked for about 2 days until i woke up the 3rd day with a sore chest bone and a mark form sleeping on my stomach regardless. After that i ''willed'' myself to not sleep on my stomach and that worked well for a while - i would still some days wake up on my stomach, but mostly it worked. Until recently this has not worked anymore.

And it is linked to my previous blog of loosing focus. I am very uncomfortable everyday with my stomach problems and even more so going gluten-free. So what happens ''sub consciously'' when i am asleep  is that i want to be comfortable and thus roll over and sleep on my stomach. yes - even asleep you are still the one who decides what happens - i make the choice to sleep n my stomach.

Tomorrow i will reveal the steps to assist myself how not to sleep on my stomach anymore then its goodbye to back pain.

Day 120 - Loosing Focus

 

I am now on day 4 gluten free and have noticed another point. I have been loosing focus. Today I misplaced my cell-phone twice, i am forgetting things, missing things and have become less aware of my environment. Also broke a coffee cup.

Yes we all misplace things and drop things and forget things, but for me this is happening more than should. The past few days my stomach has become worse along with my back so I’ve been in a bit of pain and really tired of having this, I am sick and tired of having to go to the toilet at least 4 times a day. This is why im loosing focus, because I am distracting myself with my problems and fear that I will have to live like this for the rest of my life and i REALLY do not want that. My back problem is hindering my effectiveness, because I cant help out around the farm as much as I would like to.

My back problem is for another day another blog - for now i am writing  about loosing focus so that I can, in spite of my utter discomfort - not allow it to effect who i am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose focus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget things allot more than usual

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misplace objects by not being aware of myself when I put something down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be less aware of my environment and I miss things where I usually do not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my discomfort believe that going gluten free is pointless since there is no change

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that there wont always be a change immediately and that it will take time

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to be patient and always want to rush things and want things to go fast when in reality they do not.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to to distract myself from what I do with the pain and discomfort I feel and to become less effective because of it

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breathe through the discomfort and bring myself here so that i can be effective.

(Please note - if you are in consistent pain and discomfort that affects or impairs you go see a doctor)

I commit myself to focus on what is important and to make sure that I do not loose focus

I commit myself to when I do loose focus and start forgetting things/misplacing things to breathe and slow myself down

I commit myself to let go of my impatience and frustrations when I see no change with my stomach - instead I am patent/patience.

I commit myself to be aware of myself when drinking something so that I do not haste and allow the water to go down the wrong hole where I will cough my lungs out (might seem a bit random,but this just happened so i placed it in here)

I commit myself to not be affected and become less effective when faced with discomfort

I commit myself to be aware of myself and my environment and not to be lost in thought and feelings and emotions where i will miss the world around me and important things might slip through and lead to unwanted consequences

I commit myself to realize that this will take time - and keep the 1 week  gluten free commitment.

Day 119 - Gluten Free frustrations and Addictions

 

Here is my previous blog on Day 1 Gluten Free : Day 1. Here now follows day 2

This is now my second day without gluten - have not notices any changes physically yet, but it is to soon to tell. I did however notice a ridiculous craving to eat allot of food. Its like I just want to eat and eat like an addiction and I end up eating more than I should, because I mistake hunger for crave and then i believe myself to be hungry all the time

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be sad that i wont be able to eat the food i like anymore

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated that it is now more difficult to make myself food and the convenience is gone

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself that i have created this situation for myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for putting myself in this position

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to to eat more food now to fill the gap and make myself happy, because Im sad that i cant eat my favorite foods anymore

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create this deep craving within myself and believe that it is hunger and then eat more food

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the food i eat where if i go without it I go through a withdrawal

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts of '' just one more piece of bread - will do no harm'' that makes my cravings bigger and then I eat more other foods.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to when i could still eat what i liked without consequence to take it for granted

I commit myself to to sop the sadness - instead I am grateful that I have food to eat

I commit myself to stop being frustrated - instead i see that being frustrated wont change a thing

I commit myself to stop blaming myself and be angry at myself - instead i breath and realize that being angry and blaming myself gets me nowhere

I commit myself to  stop eating more than i should  - instead I eat enough

I commit myself to stop trying to find loop holes and excuses for me to stop this gluten free things - instead I commit to my commitment

I commit myself to realize that I am not in fact hungry all the time, but that it is the caving and addiction to food

I commit myself to stop the ridiculous craving - instead i breath and do not allow it to affect me.

 

Lets see how tomorrow goes. If you are a first time reader and have no idea what's going on i am getting rid of my limitations to realize my full potential and effectiveness.

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