Day 185 - No time to RELAX!

 

No time to RELAX!

Today I was walking around a bit inspecting the fruit trees and looking if there is any new growth. Our peach and nectarine trees have started flowing a bit early this year since we are in the middle of winter and they usually start at the end of winter. I occasionally simply go for a walk and look around being here and today I notices a bit of anxiety. A though crossed my head “I’m wasting time!” .

This comes from the idea and belief that doing nothing equals wasting time which I developed from directing it. It was from a drive to keep myself busy to distract myself from myself to use it as an excuse saying I have no time for myself. This also links into the fear I had of getting older. Everything is connected. It got to a point where I did not allow myself to simply do something I like like watching a movie or something.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take some time for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create anxiety within myself when going for a walk doing nothing in particular.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear simply doing nothing in particular and taking time for myself to do something I enjoy and to see it as me wasting time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the Idea and belief that doing anything for myself is a waste of time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a workaholic as a distraction from myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my fear of getting older is the reason why I fear wasting time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking some time for myself.

I commit myself to stop the belief that doing nothing and taking time for myself is a waste of time – instead I allow myself to take some time.

I commit myself to stop the fear and anxiety when I take some time for myself – instead I realize that taking time for myself is important

I commit myself to stop being a workaholic as a distraction from myself – instead I focus on myself.

I commit myself to when I take walks to breathe and be here in moment and not allow thoughts and feelings to direct me.

Being on constant guard - Anticipating the worst

The world is out to get me. And I'm constantly tested in every moment. I have to watch what i say and analyze the actions and words of others to find the true meaning. I cannot answer a question without thinking about it and making sure I am taking everything into consideration when answering. Decision making is difficult because i want to make sure I don't miss something.
I am on constant guard to make sure that nothing can hurt me.

Now walking around like this constantly analyzing every action, feeling tensed up inside has consequences. I noticed that throughout my day i unconsciously tense up my stomach muscles, and it stays tense automatically. I am finding it difficult to stop, because the only to not be so tense is to relax, and i am not relaxing.

Another side effect of being on guard and feeling tensed up inside is that I'm constipated.

I went through this experience before and what i did was stop anticipating and being here, and as i breathe i move through my body, feeling myself flowing through all parts of my body so that i can relax the muscles. I did that an the constipation went away.

But then i went back into the same pattern, so time-looped and here i am again.

I Stand

And I am Here again.     

LAXative -  reLAX