Day 65 - Also Attracted to Broken Girls Part 2

 

Here follows the process of self change and taking self-responsibility for myself and my life regarding this blog :   I write here as the person/character i was when i was younger so i bring the past and the memories and experiences to here in the present moment and write it out

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the character of being attracted to broken girls and to live my life with this part of who i am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define those who are in pain as being  broken and lost and need saving

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to specifically seek out those who are in pain so that I can put myself in a position where I can save them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be their savior by helping them to get over the point that is controlling their life and wanting to fix them so that i can feel better about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i can only live life if i feel good and that if i do not feel good and feel like shit all the time i wont be able to continue living

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the reason i helped others was because of fear - the fear that if I continue to feel like shit i wont be able to continue this life and so I have to help others in order to feel good to be alive

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ever realize that i created this character when my mother died and that i have based my life on that event

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in this savior character sacrifice my life and only focus on fixing them completely disregarding myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that what i am seeing within them is myself and that the only reason why i want to save them is so that they don't continue feel the pain I am feeling - and in that i am hiding myself and ignoring my own problems and not taking self responsibility by sorting myself out

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to assist and support myself - to never realize the possibility that i have the power to overcome this depression and to delete this character and become real - that i am the creator of my life and everything i experience and thus i have the power to get rid of the bullshit i created in my life

 

I commit myself to stop and delete the character of wanting to be with broken girls so that i can save them

I commit myself to stop and delete the savior character so that i can feel good about myself when helping others - because i see the selfishness of this - that i am not helping others for their sake, but that I an doing it to feel good which is a limitation and a condition: I will only help others if it makes me feel good - this is not not a selfless act - it is self interest

I commit myself to  realize that i am seeing myself in these girls and i am helping them because i want to help myself and so I commit myself to stop hiding myself and to look at the points in my life and to sort out my problems

I commit myself to stop and delete the depression that i created which is controlling my life, my actions, my words and thoughts .

I commit myself to become self directed by not allowing a feeling or my past to control my life - but to do something because it is what is best for not and not only myself

I commit myself to stop the fear of death

I commit myself to stop disregarding myself and hiding myself from myself - but to face my self

I commit myself to assist and support myself by becoming real - because only real people can make a real difference in this world