Day 289:Desire is the downfall of many relationships - how to make it REAL

 

Desire is the downfall of many relationships if not all. It’s because of this desire that you will overlook certain aspects of your partner just to keep the relationship going. Let’s say your partner tends to show irritation with dogs living in your house and do not like having them in the house. Now you really like this relationship of yours, so instead of keeping the dogs in the house you will keep them outside when he is around. This is a compromise and the reason behind this is fear – fear that this point will cause further conflict and might end the relationship. And so the poor dogs suffer because of your particular desire for relationships.

To live in fear like this – the fear of losing the relationship – is keeping you from expanding who you are and growing. Here is one the Principles that covers this:

“Relationships as Agreements: individuals coming together using agreements as a platform to one-on-one expand, grow and develop as individuals in life and living to support/assist each other unconditionally to reach their utmost potential where the agreement is a coming together of individuals understanding what it means to stand as equals and to stand as one.”

When it comes to supporting another person to be the best they can be there will most definitely be conflict involved, because that requires a point of change and with change there is friction since it does not come easy. So when your partner shows irritation to having dogs in the house and do not want them there – a point of support would be to find the source of the irritation. To open the point up and look at why dogs in the house cause irritation. Let’s say after some self-investigation and pushing and support from the other partner the reason for the irritation is a childhood memory of the partner’s parents who shouted at him whenever he let the dogs in the house. And throughout the years he developed that irritation within himself and projected it onto this situation.

And so you support the partner to overcome this irritation. This is what support means. It is to assist and support each other no matter what. Even if it will cause a bit of conflict – even if it means staring the person in the face and showing them what they are doing is unacceptable – to help them each other through it.

That is a real relationship – one with the sole purpose of assisting and supporting each other. Not because of some desire to have someone on your life or to fill an empty space in your heart, no. Being in a relationship is a commitment you make and a path you walk together to grow and expand. That is the real Deal.

Day 288: Family – Why this desire will destroy your life

 

This is so deep rooted within most – the desire to have a family. How many women and men out there dream about their perfect wedding from a young age? Why would this desire be the end of you? What makes this particular desire so dangerous?

One on my favorite Comedy TV shows is Scrubs . One of the characters ( Elliot) is your stereotypical girly girl. Ever since she was a kid she had dreamed of her perfect wedding and already had a book dedicated to wedding plans in case she ever gets a proposal. In one of the episodes she is engaged to a guy and having doubts whether she should marry this guy or not and asked advice from her friends. At one point a guy asks her a very important question: “Do you really want to marry this guy, or do you just want to be married?”

She had this desire to be married from a very young age as most people do. It’s something that’s ingrained from a young age – the purpose of life is to get educated to get a job to have money to raise a family and then die. So Elliot realized that she does not actually want to marry this guy – but that she just wanted to be married. It was not about the guy at all – only the idea of being married.

Just like the desire for relationships – it becomes all about the desire to be with someone no matter who it is. The same is for the Desire for family – it doesn’t matter who it is really it’s not about the actual person you are with but more just the idea of being married. And so many people compromise themselves and their lives just for the sake of fulfilling this desire. The desire takes over and all common sense and what is practical and all sense of living principles goes out of the window. It all becomes about the desire. What makes this so difficult for people to see is that we find any excuse or justification to make our desires a reality and in the end we are completely controlled by it.

Again – this is not real. Would you not rather be in a relationship that is supportive and not based on a need or desire? IF your starting point is desiring a relationship then all you have is a relationship with the desire. I will end with this from my previous blog and continue with it in the next:

A real relationship has nothing to do with fulfillment or desire – it’s taking responsibility for another being and supporting them to be the best they can be. Now, what does that mean exactly? Let us see the answer in the next blog

Doing it for Myself

 

Doing something for yourself is considered being selfish. Today I am looking at another dimension of this word. A big part of this journey to life is to write about yourself or to write yourself out - basically focus on yourself to become an effective living human being. Some may see this as being selfish saying " you must help others to make this world a better place, so focusing on yourself is being selfish!!!". The question here is: how does one / can one assist others when you can’t even /haven’t assisted yourself? You start with yourself to be effective and to be able to support another.

We’re all like in a big steaming pile of quicksand - before you can pull others out, you have to first get yourself out. Like what they tell you in the airplane safety video "In the unlikely event when there is trouble with the plane, first secure your own oxygen mask before helping others". It is not being selfish - you simply can’t help others when you are suffocating.

Within this all, I do I look at my starting point for example working around the farm and watering trees or planting trees. I am doing it for the trees - to feed the trees and grow more. Within this I am doing it for myself as well, support and assist myself to be here in the moment.

What brought this point up was with doing a particular task that you do not like or have no issue with like cleaning for example. It does not bother me when a house is not sparkling clean - I have no issue with a house that is not exactly clean, but my partner does. So when I cleaned I did not do it for myself, but I did it for her because it makes her happy. The problem with this is: I create an expectation within myself of how the other person will react to me cleaning and being happy and when a event occurs that does not meet my expectations I get angry. Within this I realized that Although I was cleaning "for the other person" from a selfless point it was not in fact unconditional. I was cleaning "for her" to be happy and when she is happy I am satisfied - but then the reason I cleaned was for me to be happy, which was depended from another persons actions.

I am not saying that you should NOT do  something for another person - simply look at the starting point. Now I feed two birds with one big piece of bread ( The 2 birds, 1 stone thing is not cool): I clean to assist and support myself to be active and working/aligning with the physical again after a long time being unable to due to my condition AND it satisfies my partner. Now I actually enjoy having a clean house.

Day 65 - Also Attracted to Broken Girls Part 2

 

Here follows the process of self change and taking self-responsibility for myself and my life regarding this blog :   I write here as the person/character i was when i was younger so i bring the past and the memories and experiences to here in the present moment and write it out

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the character of being attracted to broken girls and to live my life with this part of who i am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define those who are in pain as being  broken and lost and need saving

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to specifically seek out those who are in pain so that I can put myself in a position where I can save them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be their savior by helping them to get over the point that is controlling their life and wanting to fix them so that i can feel better about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i can only live life if i feel good and that if i do not feel good and feel like shit all the time i wont be able to continue living

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the reason i helped others was because of fear - the fear that if I continue to feel like shit i wont be able to continue this life and so I have to help others in order to feel good to be alive

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ever realize that i created this character when my mother died and that i have based my life on that event

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in this savior character sacrifice my life and only focus on fixing them completely disregarding myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that what i am seeing within them is myself and that the only reason why i want to save them is so that they don't continue feel the pain I am feeling - and in that i am hiding myself and ignoring my own problems and not taking self responsibility by sorting myself out

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to assist and support myself - to never realize the possibility that i have the power to overcome this depression and to delete this character and become real - that i am the creator of my life and everything i experience and thus i have the power to get rid of the bullshit i created in my life

 

I commit myself to stop and delete the character of wanting to be with broken girls so that i can save them

I commit myself to stop and delete the savior character so that i can feel good about myself when helping others - because i see the selfishness of this - that i am not helping others for their sake, but that I an doing it to feel good which is a limitation and a condition: I will only help others if it makes me feel good - this is not not a selfless act - it is self interest

I commit myself to  realize that i am seeing myself in these girls and i am helping them because i want to help myself and so I commit myself to stop hiding myself and to look at the points in my life and to sort out my problems

I commit myself to stop and delete the depression that i created which is controlling my life, my actions, my words and thoughts .

I commit myself to become self directed by not allowing a feeling or my past to control my life - but to do something because it is what is best for not and not only myself

I commit myself to stop the fear of death

I commit myself to stop disregarding myself and hiding myself from myself - but to face my self

I commit myself to assist and support myself by becoming real - because only real people can make a real difference in this world

Day 64 - Also attracted to broken girls?

 

Some introspection.

I was reading Gian's blog about being attracted to broken girls and i looked back in my life and realized I was the same. When i was in school i was attracted to girls who had something happen to them in the past or who are sad and depressed.

I remember a girl I was 'dating' in school and I liked her - she had problems with passing out at school and being generally distracted and i wanted to help her because I saw she needed help. And for me to help a girl back then was to be with her which meant dating her which will make her feel better. It pained me to see her suffer so I did all i could to help her - i found out she was bulimic which was the reason she passed out - because she wasn't eating.

Then there was another girl who I friends with who had a boyfriend who died in a car crash - they had a fight and he got very angry and went for a drive and then crashed. She was not the same after that so i wanted to help her because it pained me to see her sad and depressed about it.

I never questioned this point to find the reason why I liked girls who need saving. The reason why was because of my mother when she died the pain i went through has unbearable for me. And i did not want anybody to experience what i went through and thus i wanted to save people and help them get over it so that they don't suffer like I did - and it made me feel better about myself as i was also very depressed at this time and doing things like helping people i could handle the depression. And i was good at helping my friends when it came to their problems - but I could never help myself. I never even thought about helping myself, never occurred to me.

I never realized that i was the one who created the depression - and in that decision i created the character of wanting to save others from going through what i was going through. I never realized that i can then assist and support myself by getting rid of the depression, because i created it after all - i accepted and allowed it within me for years.

And that is what i did - with the tools I learned from Desteni I was able to get rid of the depression and to start living again and be self directive. Go to the forums for more information and i will also be continuing on the morrow with part two.

Journey to life day 28 – I am right and you are wrong!

Ever got into an argument where no matter how much common sense is thrown at you you simply wont listen? Where all common sense goes out the window and you simply don’t make any sense? Or you are in an argument and you will do everything to prove that you are right and be utterly stubborn? Ego is a funny and dangerous thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be right when I am arguing with someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do everything in my power to make sure I win and that I am right and the other person is wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not listen and be utterly stubborn and only see one way which is my way so that I can be right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as superior to the person I am arguing with and try to bring them down so that they are inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend myself against becoming inferior by becoming nasty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be wrong because that would hurt my ego and reputation, and that must be defended at all cost and is more important than anything else

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the only reason I want to be right is because of ego and me wanting to be superior

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my ego is not the most important thing in life – and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to  be humility – humble – to see that it doesn’t matter who is right and who is wrong.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that just to prove that I am right to boost my ego is far less important than building a relationship with another – and that proving that I am right benefits nothing but my ego which is essentially useless.

I commit myself to end the need to want to be right

I commit myself to stop my ego and to see the ego as the most important thing in life which I must defend and boost at all cost

I commit myself to be humble instead of nasty and egotistical - because life is more important than the need for me  to be right

I commit myself to not bring others down with words just so that I can be superior and more effectively prove I am right

I commit myself to stop the fear of being inferior to others – realizing that its an idea and believe I made up that someone can be more or less than others is only a perception.

I commit myself to not be stubborn and see things only my way, but to consider others and input of others and use common sense

I commit myself to stop the energy that comes with heated arguments where all common sense and humility goes out the window where the mind takes over – to stop this be here and make sure I don’t speak from anger but that I am self directed.