Day 150 - Listening to my body

 

Listening to my body was a new thing to me, when I was introduced to walking Process.

When I was younger, still in school and got sick - I usually did not let it affect me, especially on holidays. I was once diagnosed with bronchitis and a throat infection when I was on a holiday, but I did not let it slow me down - I still went swimming in the ocean that was ice cold and partying etc. Looking at it now it was probably  a very bad idea, as there are so many variables involved with regards to how quickly it could have actually gotten worse, so I was actually ‘lucky’ that it didn’t with tempting fate in such a way. I should have listened to my body which told me I am sick and need to take it easy.

Another experience I had when I did not listen to my body was on a very hot summer day in the field. We were busy burning branches and weeds in the field and started pretty early. We had a big pile to burn so what I did was taking a few branches at a time and placed them on the fire. I could feel myself getting really warm - the fire itself was very hot and the sun was hot. I would get very thirsty and ask someone to go fetch me some water every now and then - I did not want to leave the others helping, alone with the fire.

I started to get tired from the heat and dehydrated. What I should have done was get one of the guys to stay with the fire while I went back to the house for a break and water, but I was stubborn and did not listen to my body. Since I was the one directing things with the fire i did not want to leave it - even though the other guys there helping me was more than capable to attend the fire. I believed that if I leave the fire something might go wrong and the fire will burn down the fields. So, in my stubbornness – I created this ‘position’ for myself in relation to everyone else, and wanted to hold that position in my Mind. Not wanting to admit that the others would in fact be alright with the fire, because that would mean that it would challenge the idea/position of myself I held in my mind in relation to the responsibility. And so, I did not want to challenge my ‘idea’ of myself and so justified why ‘I had to stay’ and not listen to/tend to my body/myself.

As the day went by I was actually getting a bit dizzy and muscles aching and legs hurting and getting exhausted, but I did not listen to my body and did what I always did - continue what I am doing regardless of what I feel almost a ''mind over matter'' kind of thing. I would say this was one of the first times where I actually pushed myself to the limit - even though it was completely unnecessary for me to do so, since the other guys could have handle it easily. But I was the ''leader'' and believed that if I left it wouldn’t be a good example of being a leader so I believed that I should be strong and continue. So, this is another point that I will open up in my posts, the IDEA I created about ‘leadership’ and what that means and then what it actually in fact mean in considering self and one’s relationship to others. Because in my mind, ‘to lead’ meant to more consider/regard OTHERS more than myself/my relationship to them and so I actually sabotaged myself more than in fact ‘stand as an living example’.

Eventually we were done for day (after putting out the fire by carrying 20 liter watering cans up and down the river). I went to go sit down being satisfied with the day’s accomplishments. Now the body is a wonderful thing - it reveals consequences and not always immediately. In my case it started at night. I was still exhausted, but something was very different. It started with a little head ache, then a little nausea followed by dizziness. Soon after it escalated and I felt as if my head was going to explode - the pain got very bad and so did the nausea. I managed to walk to Sunette and others on the farm and we soon realized I had a bad case of HEATSROKE.

My head was exploding along with my stomach and I was throwing up and not having a very good time. The others helped me out as well as the physical body with the necessary medications/rehydration’s and eventually after a while I started to get better. There I learnt the importance of the physical / my body. That I really should consider my body in what I am doing, but unfortunately i did not fully grasp what that actually meant yet - only that I will never push my body like that. Since that day I could not handle very hot days as well as I did before.  

If I look at it now i completely disregarded my body and what it was telling me and instead I used the Mind to create the idea that all I have to do is believe I can make it and I will. I must just push and fight through what I am feeling and my body will be fine. Within this seeing the mind as superior over the body and the mind as MORE real. This is not so. The reality here was my body telling me to sloooooow doooooown and me believing the mind to be better than the body. And the consequence was a nice case of the heatstrokes.

Journey to life day 28 – I am right and you are wrong!

Ever got into an argument where no matter how much common sense is thrown at you you simply wont listen? Where all common sense goes out the window and you simply don’t make any sense? Or you are in an argument and you will do everything to prove that you are right and be utterly stubborn? Ego is a funny and dangerous thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be right when I am arguing with someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do everything in my power to make sure I win and that I am right and the other person is wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not listen and be utterly stubborn and only see one way which is my way so that I can be right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as superior to the person I am arguing with and try to bring them down so that they are inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend myself against becoming inferior by becoming nasty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be wrong because that would hurt my ego and reputation, and that must be defended at all cost and is more important than anything else

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the only reason I want to be right is because of ego and me wanting to be superior

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my ego is not the most important thing in life – and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to  be humility – humble – to see that it doesn’t matter who is right and who is wrong.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that just to prove that I am right to boost my ego is far less important than building a relationship with another – and that proving that I am right benefits nothing but my ego which is essentially useless.

I commit myself to end the need to want to be right

I commit myself to stop my ego and to see the ego as the most important thing in life which I must defend and boost at all cost

I commit myself to be humble instead of nasty and egotistical - because life is more important than the need for me  to be right

I commit myself to not bring others down with words just so that I can be superior and more effectively prove I am right

I commit myself to stop the fear of being inferior to others – realizing that its an idea and believe I made up that someone can be more or less than others is only a perception.

I commit myself to not be stubborn and see things only my way, but to consider others and input of others and use common sense

I commit myself to stop the energy that comes with heated arguments where all common sense and humility goes out the window where the mind takes over – to stop this be here and make sure I don’t speak from anger but that I am self directed.