Day 64 - Also attracted to broken girls?

 

Some introspection.

I was reading Gian's blog about being attracted to broken girls and i looked back in my life and realized I was the same. When i was in school i was attracted to girls who had something happen to them in the past or who are sad and depressed.

I remember a girl I was 'dating' in school and I liked her - she had problems with passing out at school and being generally distracted and i wanted to help her because I saw she needed help. And for me to help a girl back then was to be with her which meant dating her which will make her feel better. It pained me to see her suffer so I did all i could to help her - i found out she was bulimic which was the reason she passed out - because she wasn't eating.

Then there was another girl who I friends with who had a boyfriend who died in a car crash - they had a fight and he got very angry and went for a drive and then crashed. She was not the same after that so i wanted to help her because it pained me to see her sad and depressed about it.

I never questioned this point to find the reason why I liked girls who need saving. The reason why was because of my mother when she died the pain i went through has unbearable for me. And i did not want anybody to experience what i went through and thus i wanted to save people and help them get over it so that they don't suffer like I did - and it made me feel better about myself as i was also very depressed at this time and doing things like helping people i could handle the depression. And i was good at helping my friends when it came to their problems - but I could never help myself. I never even thought about helping myself, never occurred to me.

I never realized that i was the one who created the depression - and in that decision i created the character of wanting to save others from going through what i was going through. I never realized that i can then assist and support myself by getting rid of the depression, because i created it after all - i accepted and allowed it within me for years.

And that is what i did - with the tools I learned from Desteni I was able to get rid of the depression and to start living again and be self directive. Go to the forums for more information and i will also be continuing on the morrow with part two.

The Saviour complex

Since I was a child I wanted to be a hero. That was because of the TV shows I watched with friends like ‘’Power Rangers’’ and other comics. They made it look so cool, and since then I thought it would be cool to save somebody.

I used to fantasise imaginary events where there is someone in trouble, usually a girl I liked, and I come to the rescue and is then admired by the girl – your typical Hero situation exploited everywhere.

When I was in high school I enjoyed listening to my friend’s issues and problems they had and help anyway I could – It made me feel good and needed. I still imagined scenarios few times daily where I save somebody – it was one of my favourite pass times.

When it was time for me to choose a new member to the farm, a dog, I went searching. And when I saw the picture of timeless something inside me clicked in place and we got her. Only after we got Timeless did we see that she had the problem with her leg.

(Timeless ‘s Story: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtKqSQ8QQVE&feature=watch_response).She needed saving.

We make decisions based on who we are at the moment of the choice. And at that time I still had the desire to save somebody in some way. My Structural resonance of that time and my desire to save were some of the factors involved in the decision to get her.

It shows that who we are dictates our lives. I am not saying that we should not assist people, but to look at the starting point. For me that was to feel good, to feel appreciated and needed and loved. I wanted that because I didn’t appreciate myself, didn’t value myself. With my participation of the Desteni I Process I have realized that I don’t need others to validate me, that I can give myself that which I seek from others.

Then my starting point to assist people isn’t to get some kind of reward, but to genuinely assist someone, because that is what I would have liked for myself. I see the value of assistance and where it got me and without it I wouldn’t have been where I am now. Without some assistance to sort out our bullshit we would all be stuck living the same abusive patterns. The tools of Desteni I Process and the support from all the participants are of great assistance to sort out myself. It is what you get with a group of people dedicated to sort out this world starting with self.

Join Desteni I Process.