Day 286: Relationships – Why this Desire will be the end of you.

 

I  know the title may sound a tad bit dramatic, but so is life so sit back and relax and continue reading – you just might learn something. We all have this – the desire to be with someone. It becomes more prominent in our teenage years where most of that time is spent on chasing or finding “ THE ONE”. I know I had my fair share of chasing and trying to find somebody to love. It’s a dangerous thing really – Desire - and I’ll show you why.

Desire is something that will completely direct and control your life. Desire is such a feel good feeling that we simply give into without much fight. Desire is something that will override any common sense or particular principles you live by – you simply forget all of that and follow the desire no matter where the road ends. That is what makes Desire so dangerous – you lose direction in your life by giving in to desire.

I’m sure many of us had those moments – where the point of desire stares you right in the face and all you have to do is give in, lean in and grab it – no matter the consequences. And at that moment all common sense fades away and it just feels right.

For me it was a girl, a long time ago. You know the story: Boy meets girl, they become best friends, after time they become more. The only twist was that the girl had a boyfriend. Now I am what you would call a nice guy. I always saw myself as a person who would not date a girl who already has a boyfriend, but my desire showed me otherwise. I remember what went through my head – what made me do it. This desire for relationships simply took over any reasoning or common sense or morals or principles I lived by – I simply said F**k that and gave in. And so began a secret behind the scenes relationship rooted from desire.

So that’s a simple example of Desire. The problem with Desire and what makes it so dangerous is that it’s something we really really want. We do not want to look at it objectively and let it go when we know it will not benefit our lives or who we are. Instead we want to chase that desire, that feel good feeling. When it comes to the desire for relationships – we meet someone and we really want to make it work – simply because we desire having a relationship. What most do not see here is that it’s not the other person they actually like, but it’s the idea of having a relationship that they are after. So in the end it has very little to do with the actual person you found, but rather its all about having the desire of relationship fulfilled.

And that is no way of actually living – chasing this desire or idea of relationship. Would it not be better if it was real? Curing aloneness is not by being with somebody else. Chasing relationships is not the answer to filling the emptiness you feel. The first step is getting to know yourself, and being comfortable with yourself, and caring for yourself and loving yourself.

A real relationship has nothing to do with fulfillment or desire – it’s taking responsibility for another being and supporting them to be the best they can be. Now, what does that mean exactly? Let us see the answer in the next blog

Day 276: To Give up OR Give up on Giving up?

 

 

For the past few months my thyroid has been functioning normal. The cool thing is that it was functioning normal without me being on medication, so it was actually back to normal. It was a relief to me, because I could finally put it behind me. My Doctor did say it is something that I will have to monitor for the rest of my life – and when he said that, I create a slight undertone of worry within myself.

Now the whole process of my thyroid malfunctioning was not a very pleasant experience and it’s something I would not want to go through again, so knowing it could malfunction again I created That fear and worry in the back of my mind.

So about 2 or 3 months ago I started experiencing familiar experiences – like increased tiredness no matter how much sleep I get and general exhaustion even though I have no reason to feel this. My throat also became a bit sore, and all of this is basically the same symptoms I experienced last time. Basically it all pointed to my thyroid starting to malfunction again. The blood tests did show the levels were not correct and my thyroid was going hyper again.

This brought with it a bit of me feeling sorry for myself. I knew what to expect - the progression of symptoms – and really did not want this. There was a moment of self-pity as I looked at the road ahead of me and thought to myself it would be easier to simply give in to all these emotions coming up.

I looked at the process walked thus far and all the points I faced and saw that yes , it’s going to be crappy and yes, it’s not something I prefer doing, but that is not going to stop me from walking this point again. I did it before and thus proven to myself that I am able to walk this point. Within that I trusted I am able to do this. So I know that my thyroid might go hyper again – but it’s not something to be feared or be worried about.

When we are faced with difficulties in life there is not much we can do about the physical reality of the events, but we do have a choice how we will react to it. We can choose to feel sorry for ourselves and be overwhelmed and believe that we lack the strength to make it through and simply give up – or we can stop those thoughts and emotions and feelings that make us want to give up and then push through and face the point head on. It’s your life.

Day 147 - I Have Graves Disease

 

I did the blood test and went to the doctor for my 6 weekly checkup to see how my body is responding to the medicine and my thyroid. The results came in and showed that the hormone levels are stabilizing, but not yet to where we want it. It also confirmed the cause of my hyperthyroidism - Graves Disease.

So we discussed the next step and goals for the future an d what options i have. The options I have are taking RadioactiveIodine pills. The thyroid is the only organ than absorbs iodine so with the pills being radioactive it kills part of the thyroid. The risks here are that it could completely kill my thyroid and  i would have to be on thyroid pills for the rest of my life - not an option i would want to take.

Another option is surgery - removing the poor thing. Taking out the thyroid/part of it. it leaves you with a sexy scar on your neck and may cause your voice to become hoarse and also has the risk of needing thyroid medication for the rest of your life.

The last option and my personal favorite is continue the medication I have that blocks the thyroid. Initially i had to take quite allot of pills, but now I can take allot less. This continues for 6 weeks then i do another blood test to check what my thyroid is doing and from there adjust the medication until we find a balance. Then after a year or two I go off it and see if my body stopped attacking my thyroid.

Graves Disease is an autoimmune disease where the body starts attacking/fighting itself in this case the thyroid. This causes the thyroid to start overproducing and become overactive. As to why the body suddenly decides to see the thyroid as a threat the medical industry does not know - it happens. I was disappointed and a bit 'gatvol' when i heard the news, but i was not surprised. I have always been unlucky - on the farm there actually a name for it '' the curse of the fidelis''. But instead of being sensitive about this ill am sensible. The results I got means I am improving and that I am getting somewhere. I feel allot better physically than I did 6 weeks ago and im not a skeleton anymore. I also got some of my strength back - I carried a 30 kg bag all by myself, although it felt like I was carrying a 50kg cement bag.

So there the update on what is currently happening in my life and the possible future that lays before me. What i find interesting is that we chose to write about me always fighting myself - lol - and today I hear my body is fighting itself, because of Graves disease.

A story about Strength and Powerlessness

 

It has been a while since my last blog. The reason why is, because I allowed how i feel to control and direct me. A story first:

I have problems with my body and have been to doctors who still dont know what is happening to me, I went to have a colonoscopy  at the hospital last week Friday and let me tell you that is not fun. In order to have a colonoscopy done you have to first clear out your sytem - meaning they give you a very strong laxative the day before to get all the shit out. You also cannot eat anything. So that Thursday i was very hungry and shitting most of the day. By Friday morning before the procedure i was feeling like shit.

Unfortunately for me they did not find anything. Fortunately they did not find anything - good and bad news, because I still don't know what it is. last week i had an ear infection and now i have the FLU.

I am now on an diet where i only eat whole foods for a month to see if it might be something that i am eating that is not agreeing with my body and that takes some time. I basically cannot eat most of the foods I usually eat so that is fun as well. If the Diet does not work or i get worse then i would have to go back to a hospital to do more test. 

Through all of this i have leaned that i must stand no matter what, to not allow anything to get to me or influence me in terms of who i am. But that has proven to be easier said than done. i stand and breathe and then something new comes along like an ear infection or the FLU and then i allow myself to get angry at myself and then i fall on that point, Where I should have not allowed it to inFLUence me as who i am and feel powerless. Give myself and realize that i have the strength and power to get through this - and apply it.

More on this tomorrow

Day 104 - Time, Irritability and expectations

 

Over the last few days since my last blog I haven't yet written a blog. I didn't ant to write something, because I thought I did not make any progress. I had an expectation that my stomach problem would be better right away and because it was not better I had the belief that i failed so i was pretty much moping the last few days. 

I had a closer look at myself and my actions and what I have notices is that I have become more aware of myself. I would see myself walking fast - then stop and walk slow. I would see myself becoming tense  - then slow down and breath. Irritated I stop it breathe and slow down.

So i did not fail - I have in fact made progress. I have been hard myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an expectation on how fast my problem will solve it self

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that just because i did not met my expectation then it means i did something wrong and I failed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not living up to peoples expectations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disappointed with myself, because  did not meet my expectations

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that things take time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that i did in fact make progress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look past the progress i have made, because I believed it was not enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so hard on myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I create more anxiety when I do not meet my expectations and believed i have failed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the idea of time, the belief that things must not take time - it should be very fast - not realizing that things do take time.

I commit myself to stop creating expectations

I commit myself to stop the belief that if something takes long I must be doming something wrong - instead I realize that things do take time

I commit myself to being disappointed with myself - instead I realize that i can only be disappointed if i created an expectation or if i did not do something to the best of my ability - in that case i realize the mistake and move on

I commit myself to stop the fear of not being able to live up to peoples expectations - instead i  realize its my expectations.

I commit myself to stop being hard on myself - instead i take note of my progress and make sure i do not beat myself up when I make mistakes

I commit myself to not allow something like disappointment and failures to bring me down and make me inconsistent - instead I push though the point here now and not postpone. I realize that ill walk through the point anyway so i might as well do it now.

Day 92 - Supporting Self

 

I did some introspection today and had a look at who I am and what I do. And what came up is support. If I look at this I see that i am effective in supporting the farm for example working outside and learning how to do things.

I have been able to support others in learning the things I have learned. But when I look at how I support myself - I simply do not. I support others, but I do not support myself. I see others as being more important than I am and I would always place others needs above my own.

Now i have to ask why am I doing this? Why do I see myself as less than others? Why do i se them as being worth more than i am. Its because i see myself as being less important. I believe myself to be unworthy.

In my previous posts I explained the point of working through understanding. I do work around the farm, because i understand the need for the particular task that im doing. For example planting a fruit tree - so that we can have our own fruit in the future. Even mundane things like pulling weeds for the day - to make sure that the grass or vegetables or fruit trees can grow effectively. I support others with what i learned so that they also have the know how and be educated. I understand the importance of it.

This is where my problem is - that I do not se the importance of supporting myself. Id rather support other people. I do support myself to some extend but not in the same capacity that i do with outside work where I go for being most effective in what i do. When it comes to supporting myself I always do it half assed or not at all.

Back when I was in high school and i got sick - I got very sick. I remember I went on holiday visiting old friends i got very sick. I still continued partying and smoking - i eventually got to the doctor who said i had bronchitis and a throat  infection. I still continues partying and smoking and even swimming in the Atlantic ocean(very cold). Every time i got sick i never showed it - only when i am so sick that i cannot walk and am in too much pain will I stay in bed. An example of how I do not care about myself. Did not support myself.

And this behavior is from when my mother died - that really did a number on me and here is another point that still dictated my life. When she died I made allot of choices subconsciously - including that i am not worthy or important and i do not care about myself. 

Self support - I will continue this tomorrow. Its important 

Day 59 - The 'I Give Up' Character

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the I give up character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when trying for a while to do something to then give up, because I believe I cannot do it

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that trying for a while and to see it as too long is a belief I created based on my expectations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up when something becomes too difficult and it seems I'm not getting anywhere

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up because it is easier to give up than pushing and pulling through

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if i see something as difficult it is based on my own beliefs and ideas i created through my experiences in the past and that something is only as difficult as i make it out to be

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that i create the point of giving up and that it is not because of something that is happening to me, but it is a choice i made to give up on myself and what i am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use giving up as an excuse to pursue my dreams, because if i give up on this difficult process I can leave it all behind and do all the things i always wanted to do and live a life based on self interest like the rest of the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate a feel good feeling whe n thinking of giving up as a further support in my decision to give up and to justify giving up and pursue my dreams - not realizing that i create this feel good feeling so that I can feel as if my decision to give up is the right one

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if i do give up all im doing which is dedicating my life so that i can assist in the creation of a world where all are free - then i give permission for this world of abuse and suffering to continue and in that allow it to exist and in that actually create the abuse and suffering in this world

I commit myself to delete the I give up character

I commit myself to keep on doing when I've been at a particular task for long and to do it to the best of my ability so that i can be sure if im able to do something or not

I commit myself to delete all my expectations of how long something should take and to realize that my mind cannot predict actual space-time of this physical reality and points emerge that could not be predicted and sometimes something takes longer

I commit myself to keep on pushing through when something gets too difficult and to realize that i created the idea of something being difficult

I commit myself to realize that easy and difficult is irrelevant - its about what needs to be done and doing it no matter what

I commit myself to realize that i created the point of giving up

I commit myself to realize that me wanting to give up is an excuse to leave what im doing to pursue my dreams 

I commit myself to stop the feel good feeling when thinking of giving up and to realize that it is me reinforcing my decision to give up and to make the choice an easy one and to see it as the 'right 'choice and to justify me giving up

I commit myself to realize the importance of what i am doing and the responsibility i took on when i made the choice to stand for and as life - and to realize the consequences of giving up on what i am doing which is simple: the suffering and abuse in this world will continue if nobody stops it