Day 165 - Being stuck

 

 

Today I am going to have a look at the word stuck.

I looked at the experience of myself and this is one of the words that came up – there is a feeling of being stuck, no flow. How is it possible to feel stuck within self?

The only way to be stuck is when you do not move. When you face the same points over and over again, but never overcome them. Also when you keep on falling on the same points and when you do not change. When you keep on giving in and giving up and not pushing through. Then there is a feeling of being stuck.

Within this I am the one who created this experience. I alone am responsible for this, thus I am the one able to stop this this experience of being stuck. The question is then how?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of being stuck within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am unable to move past this point and that I lack the power and ability

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am the one who created this and thus I am responsible for it and within this it is up to me to move past the experience of being stuck

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with any and all excuses not to get myself unstuck and start moving – not realizing that there is no valid excuse and all these excuses I have made is me not allowing myself to  push through the resistances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted not and allowed myself to realize that being stuck is actually me not moving

I forgive myself that I have accepted not and allowed myself to push through the resistances I face so that I can stop the feeling of being stuck by moving myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted not and allowed myself to realize that If I keep on giving up and giving in I create a repeating pattern /Timeloop and the points will keep coming until I make the choice to stop this pattern by moving past it

I forgive myself that I have accepted not and allowed myself to realize that this experience of being stuck will always be with me unless I do something to change myself to be able to move past this experience of being stuck

I commit myself to stop creating the experience of being stuck – instead when I am stuck at a particular point I investigate the reason why and find a way how to move past it

I commit myself to stop the belief and idea that I am unable or lack the power to get myself unstuck – Instead I use the tools ( i.e. writing) to put myself in a position to get myself moving again

I commit myself to stop using excuses – instead I realize that There is no excuse to not get myself moving

I commit myself to stop giving in and giving up when I face resistance – instead I realize that If I do not move through the resistance I will create the experience of being stuck so I commit myself to push myself to move past the resistances

I commit myself to stop the repetitive pattern of stukcness by changing myself so that I do not fall on the same points over and over again

Day 147 - I Have Graves Disease

 

I did the blood test and went to the doctor for my 6 weekly checkup to see how my body is responding to the medicine and my thyroid. The results came in and showed that the hormone levels are stabilizing, but not yet to where we want it. It also confirmed the cause of my hyperthyroidism - Graves Disease.

So we discussed the next step and goals for the future an d what options i have. The options I have are taking RadioactiveIodine pills. The thyroid is the only organ than absorbs iodine so with the pills being radioactive it kills part of the thyroid. The risks here are that it could completely kill my thyroid and  i would have to be on thyroid pills for the rest of my life - not an option i would want to take.

Another option is surgery - removing the poor thing. Taking out the thyroid/part of it. it leaves you with a sexy scar on your neck and may cause your voice to become hoarse and also has the risk of needing thyroid medication for the rest of your life.

The last option and my personal favorite is continue the medication I have that blocks the thyroid. Initially i had to take quite allot of pills, but now I can take allot less. This continues for 6 weeks then i do another blood test to check what my thyroid is doing and from there adjust the medication until we find a balance. Then after a year or two I go off it and see if my body stopped attacking my thyroid.

Graves Disease is an autoimmune disease where the body starts attacking/fighting itself in this case the thyroid. This causes the thyroid to start overproducing and become overactive. As to why the body suddenly decides to see the thyroid as a threat the medical industry does not know - it happens. I was disappointed and a bit 'gatvol' when i heard the news, but i was not surprised. I have always been unlucky - on the farm there actually a name for it '' the curse of the fidelis''. But instead of being sensitive about this ill am sensible. The results I got means I am improving and that I am getting somewhere. I feel allot better physically than I did 6 weeks ago and im not a skeleton anymore. I also got some of my strength back - I carried a 30 kg bag all by myself, although it felt like I was carrying a 50kg cement bag.

So there the update on what is currently happening in my life and the possible future that lays before me. What i find interesting is that we chose to write about me always fighting myself - lol - and today I hear my body is fighting itself, because of Graves disease.

Fighting with Myself - Leadership

 

One of the points that came up was fighting with myself within being in a leadership role. How i was in the beginning a person with no leadership skills and quite lazy to diving right into the role of being a leader and my idea of what i leader is or should be.

Before I came to the farm I was a lazy person. In school I did the least possible and generally stayed away from doing allot of work.

When I first came to the farm I did not know what to expect. We saw that there was quite a bit of work needed to be done and got started on it right away. Now there is me, my whole life trying to avoid any kind of work, now facing it head on. Understand that I looked forward to it, but faced allot of resistance when I started.

The first thing we did on the farm was unpacking everything. There was some heavy lifting involved. I don’t know if any of you ever moved to a new place, but the new farm was quite exciting so unpacking everything and settling in was fun. I did not feel like doing the work, but did it anyway.

At that time there were only 2 able bodied guys. LJ and I. I was the oldest so I took it upon myself, or more I believed I should take it upon myself to take the responsibility of being a ‘’leader’’. I did not have any idea what that means, I just dived right in.

I noticed that people would come to me when needing some advice on a particular task and I felt important within it. I believed it important to be in a leader position.  I defined myself as a leader, and to be a leader Is to have discipline and not be lazy. So I believed that I should fight myself, my laziness to keep it from creeping up on me and hinder my definition of being a leader.

Every time when I am faced with a feeling of resistance - I would fight it. The thoughts that would come up is: can’t give up, can’t give in, must push. I experienced it as a feeling creeping up bringing me down and that I would fight it to stop it

And I fought, hard. Eventually on some of the points it became natural, I changed. Where I no longer needed to fight myself. I was disciplined within myself in tasks. There were still some points I fought myself with.

 

What is interesting is that within all this my experience of myself was like me being hyper all the time, placing myself in hyperdrive in order to do everything believing it was the only way to get things done, but its not. Pushing through resistance does not mean fighting it - because the resistance is me and thus pointless to fight myself. I have been slowing myself down the past few weeks and breathing and stopped the endless fight with myself.