Day 243 - How to Stop fear controlling your life:

 

Ok. I have an irrational fear of large moths. The funny thing about irrational fears is that you know full well it is irrational, but you still have the fear. While most people have fears about snakes and spiders and various other creepy crawlers, I have a fear of large moths.

Today I had to face that fear head on when a moth came into the room and sat by the bedroom light. It was not a very safe place for this moth, because the room is full cats and if the cats caught the moth it would have died a painful death. So the moth had to come out.

I was the only one available to get this poor moth out to safety and the only thing keeping me from picking up this moth is my fear. So I managed to get myself close enough to grab the moth, but every time I thought about grabbing the moth my fear grew. Every conceivable thought and excuse ran through my head, so that I can find a justification for not having to pick up this moth. This hesitation went on for a while and before I knew it I was completely terrified of this moth where just before I go for it ( to grab it) a shock of fear would stop me every time. I was frozen with fear. I truly believed that I could not do it. the thoughts and fear made me think i lacked the ability to move through it and grab that moth.

I understood that the fear was irrational and silly, because this moth cannot harm me in any way. Yet, even with that knowing I was still petrified. It took allot of pushing to stop allowing this fear to direct me. It really took all I had to direct myself to take my hand and grab the poor moth and get it out of the room. In the end all that was left to get this done was to simply stop thinking about it, to stop the fear directing me and just grab the moth and get it out.

When I was done I realized it was not at all as bad as I thought it would be. The thoughts and the fear made it allot worse than it actually was and I realized that all of it was not real.

Now, some of you reading this might think that this experience was simply ridiculous. Maybe you are saying “ how can such an irrational fear control you so much?”, but the truth is this: We all have that one thing that stops of from doing something. And that is the problem we have in this world.

It’s easy to say that you are going to change your life and live in a way that is best for all, but to actually live that change and apply it in your daily life? This is why most people give up, by not pushing through and not living the change.

Like with me and the moth - I told myself I’m going to grab this moth right now, but every time a thought would come up and the fear will get more and that would stop me from doing something I said I would. How many times have you in your life had this experience where you decided to do something and was very willing, but when it came to actually doing it thoughts and feelings and emotions came up and then you end up not doing it.

So my moth experience may be a trivial thing, but in the end it’s the same basic point. That you might know allot and understand allot, but if you do not actually live it and apply it in your life it’s useless. There comes a point in your life where all that is left is simply say TILL HERE NO FURTHER to all the things keeping you for directing your life and doing what you said you will. To simply stop the belief that you are unable to change and apply it in your life and go for it. Be the directive principle in your life.

Day 238: Self Discipline - Where did it go?

 

A very important part of this process is Self-discipline – Without it self-change is nearly impossible. Without self-discipline you will always give into any resistance you feel and thus you never actually change.

It’s a hard thing to change yourself. With every change there will be resistance. With every task that you do not “feel like” doing there will be resistance. This is why self-discipline is necessary, because whenever there is something you should be doing, but do not feel like doing, without some level of discipline you will always give into the resistance. There will always be the one thought that will justify your choice not to do the task.

Unfortunately that is how this works. I can take myself as an example here. When I first started working with my hands around the farm I had big resistance towards it. Eventually I realized the importance of why this particular tasks needs to be done and so I did it regardless of how I felt about it. So what I basically did was pushed through resistance I felt and simply did the task. I did the task with the understanding that it needed to be done. Through the years of working with my hands I developed self-discipline and found it supported me in that regard.

Now it’s been a long time since my primary focus was working with my hands. Since my thyroid went haywire I was unable to do anything physical so I had to refocus my attention and time towards other things and this made me realize something new about self-discipline.

Once you have Self-discipline it is something you have to apply consistently in your daily life. It does not magically take away the resistance when you do something you do not like doing. The resistance still comes up, but then applying discipline you push through it and do the task no matter how you feel about it or what thoughts seems valid enough to keep you from doing it. When you decide to allow that one thought that will keep you from doing the tasks at hand (or in other words give into the resistance) then you don’t have that discipline anymore.

As you work through resistance you start to see just how far you will go to give into the resistance. All kinds of thoughts comes up: ‘’I’ll do it later” ,“ I had a long day”,” I’m tired”, “ I need a break and time for myself”, “ I do not have time for this” etc. That last one is a big one, because 99% of the time you do actually have time for it, but would rather use the time do something you like.

I used allot of excuses before not to do something. And today I had a look at the point of blogging, really went deep to try and find an actual valid answer to why I am not blogging more regularly? Sure, there were reasons, but none of which could truly justify it. There comes a time in life where all that’s left to do is to say: “Screw IT! I’m doing this!! Right now!!!” and then do the thing until it’s done. And my time is right now. I know I have been absent in the “bloggersphere”, that changes now.

IF there are others who are facing the same issue – where you have a big resistance towards something you should be doing – look at the reasons and thoughts. Really look deep and see for yourself that none are valid and that there is actually time. It’s time to simply say: Till here no further, Screw the resistance. I’m doing this. Right now.

What is Strength Really?

 

Strength and Weakness - Here I am going to look at the definitions of the words strength and weakness, how I defined the words in the past and how I redefined them for myself now

Here I will start with how I looked at strength/weakness in school:

In school, strength and weakness played a role. In sports you want to be strong to be a good player - make the team to show your friends and the girls how strong you are. If you don't make the team, you are weak. I was never a sports fan and neither were my friends. I was a surfer and skateboarder and we used to make fun of the ''jocks'' taking sports so seriously, but most of these jocks were friends as well.

Strength was ego. Strength was muscles. Strength was not crying.  Bullies showed their strength by picking on the weak. Strength was competition to always be better than others. Strength was being a rebel and breaking the rules. Weakness was being beaten by bullies. Weakness was being the silent type. Weakness was being the weirdo, the geek, the loser, the ugly and the guy who never managed to get a girl. Weakness was not ''going with the flow'' and not doing what everybody else was doing. Weakness was being smart. Strength was good - Weakness was bad.

I was neither strong or weak in school, but could see how important it was in terms of being accepted or rejected. To sum it up - Strength and weakness had a lot to do with outer appearances and how you ''acted'' /behaved and interacted within your social environment. So, strength and weakness did not only go to physical appearance/muscle, but also extending to personality/characteristics/behavior and one’s position/place within the social networks/environments.

Now, here are some relationships between strength and weakness when having a look at human nature:

Now let’s look at it from a global scale. Strength Is Military - countries flexing their military muscles, physically and through machinery/systems/weapons to show they are better - competition. Just like in school where strength is muscles and the machinery/artillery/weapons are what characteristics/personality traits/behaviors can be used to ‘show off’ ‘strength’ on a ‘mental level’. Thus participating in this idea we accept and allow war to exist even within ourselves, in our ‘small worlds’, from childhood. For example: Weakness is seen to be 3rd World Countries along with the poor. We accept and allow poverty to exist, because we would rather flex military muscle / money and not risk our economy - than aiding the poor to eradicate poverty - otherwise we risk being equal, where strength and weakness does not exist: As in, “I can’t be strong unless others are weak, so therefore – I will keep the weak in their place, so that I can remain in my definition of strong”. Like in school where you would rather beat and pick on the "weaklings" instead of assisting and supporting them, and by doing this in the ‘small worlds’ - you accept and allow it to exist in the ‘big world’ where the strong prey on the weak, where the rich prey on the poor, and so we in the small and the big accept and allow the consequence of the polarity of strength and weakness, of poverty and the rich. Because, for the ‘strong to exist’, the ‘weak must exist’ – and so therefore, we will not change because of that definition of who we are in/as the illusion, idea, perception and belief of what it means to be ‘strong’. So, as children – we ‘prey’ on the weak, as grown-ups – we ‘prey’ on the weak; it’s an inherent accepted and allowed nature within us humans, where you’re stuck in either the strong/weak polarity and/or on the ‘outside’, mentally, physically or because of your life/living conditions. Why are we individually and collectively accepting and allowing such a polarity to exist within us? Why have we not considered equality, assistance, support?

Fast forward a few years with me starting with the Desteni process and me being on the farm. Everything I have learnt about strength and weakness throughout my life was not real - it is all just an act - a means to fit in and a means of survival to always be the best. ''The Strong will prosper and the weak will perish'' - so we beat on the weak so that we look stronger and better.

Strength - what is it really? Here is how I see strength now:

Strength is me - I am strength. It is not something outside myself like muscles or acting - It is who I am as a presence, as a ‘way of being/living’. In this, this self-strength is not defined by/through being attached to a polarity of weak/weakness, meaning there isn’t something/someone in my outside world that I use/abuse to make me feel strong/superior. Strength is/should be a living expression, a stand of character, a stability of presence. Meaning, it is a form of stability and self-trust that no matter what you face in life there is a knowing and certainty that you are able to walk through it. Strength is being consistent. Strength is walking through resistance you experience inside yourself and push through and always be self-directed. Strength is to not accept and allow your actions and who you are to harm another being. Strength is to become the change you want to see in this world.

Weakness Is a gift - whenever I fall on a point it is not a point of judgement saying I'm too weak for this'', but rather it shows where I am not yet effective. My own personal Life Trainer/Buddy that reveals where I require some direction.

I will continue in the next post expanding more on strength to give some practical examples of how I have come to redefine strength for me

A story about Strength and Powerlessness

 

It has been a while since my last blog. The reason why is, because I allowed how i feel to control and direct me. A story first:

I have problems with my body and have been to doctors who still dont know what is happening to me, I went to have a colonoscopy  at the hospital last week Friday and let me tell you that is not fun. In order to have a colonoscopy done you have to first clear out your sytem - meaning they give you a very strong laxative the day before to get all the shit out. You also cannot eat anything. So that Thursday i was very hungry and shitting most of the day. By Friday morning before the procedure i was feeling like shit.

Unfortunately for me they did not find anything. Fortunately they did not find anything - good and bad news, because I still don't know what it is. last week i had an ear infection and now i have the FLU.

I am now on an diet where i only eat whole foods for a month to see if it might be something that i am eating that is not agreeing with my body and that takes some time. I basically cannot eat most of the foods I usually eat so that is fun as well. If the Diet does not work or i get worse then i would have to go back to a hospital to do more test. 

Through all of this i have leaned that i must stand no matter what, to not allow anything to get to me or influence me in terms of who i am. But that has proven to be easier said than done. i stand and breathe and then something new comes along like an ear infection or the FLU and then i allow myself to get angry at myself and then i fall on that point, Where I should have not allowed it to inFLUence me as who i am and feel powerless. Give myself and realize that i have the strength and power to get through this - and apply it.

More on this tomorrow