Day 306 - The Power Of Silence

There is the Power in Silence that many are not Aware of  - Use it:

Day 286: Relationships – Why this Desire will be the end of you.

 

I  know the title may sound a tad bit dramatic, but so is life so sit back and relax and continue reading – you just might learn something. We all have this – the desire to be with someone. It becomes more prominent in our teenage years where most of that time is spent on chasing or finding “ THE ONE”. I know I had my fair share of chasing and trying to find somebody to love. It’s a dangerous thing really – Desire - and I’ll show you why.

Desire is something that will completely direct and control your life. Desire is such a feel good feeling that we simply give into without much fight. Desire is something that will override any common sense or particular principles you live by – you simply forget all of that and follow the desire no matter where the road ends. That is what makes Desire so dangerous – you lose direction in your life by giving in to desire.

I’m sure many of us had those moments – where the point of desire stares you right in the face and all you have to do is give in, lean in and grab it – no matter the consequences. And at that moment all common sense fades away and it just feels right.

For me it was a girl, a long time ago. You know the story: Boy meets girl, they become best friends, after time they become more. The only twist was that the girl had a boyfriend. Now I am what you would call a nice guy. I always saw myself as a person who would not date a girl who already has a boyfriend, but my desire showed me otherwise. I remember what went through my head – what made me do it. This desire for relationships simply took over any reasoning or common sense or morals or principles I lived by – I simply said F**k that and gave in. And so began a secret behind the scenes relationship rooted from desire.

So that’s a simple example of Desire. The problem with Desire and what makes it so dangerous is that it’s something we really really want. We do not want to look at it objectively and let it go when we know it will not benefit our lives or who we are. Instead we want to chase that desire, that feel good feeling. When it comes to the desire for relationships – we meet someone and we really want to make it work – simply because we desire having a relationship. What most do not see here is that it’s not the other person they actually like, but it’s the idea of having a relationship that they are after. So in the end it has very little to do with the actual person you found, but rather its all about having the desire of relationship fulfilled.

And that is no way of actually living – chasing this desire or idea of relationship. Would it not be better if it was real? Curing aloneness is not by being with somebody else. Chasing relationships is not the answer to filling the emptiness you feel. The first step is getting to know yourself, and being comfortable with yourself, and caring for yourself and loving yourself.

A real relationship has nothing to do with fulfillment or desire – it’s taking responsibility for another being and supporting them to be the best they can be. Now, what does that mean exactly? Let us see the answer in the next blog

Day 188 - I Prefer Being Alone – The Silent Type...

 

I am On the topic of defining myself as the silent type.

Another point regarding the silent type is preferring to be alone. I always preferred to be alone in most situations. In school my high point of the day was spending time in room playing guitar or playing a game on the computer. I was comfortable with being by myself and liked it. I also liked being with friends since I was also comfortable around my friends. It would seem that comfortably is the main point here and the question is – Why was I more comfortable with myself?

I was not really a full on silent person that did not say anything – I was outgoing and all that. When I was in a group of friends and everybody talked I usually did not say much. One on one with friends or small groups I would engage in conversations, but mostly I liked to would listen. That is one cool thing of not saying much – I became very observant and noticed things. Anyway – the point is that I was more of an observer and did not participate much with anybody expect friends. One of the reasons was that I was not effective with participating or engaging conversations with people and the conversations I did have was me listening and the other conversing. Within this I see now that me preferring to be alone was actually hiding from people.

The consequences of my inability to communicate effectively was me being the silent type and because I was not effective at communication I preferred being alone since there was not need to converse with myself. Unfortunately back then I did not understand the importance of communicating – You cannot function effectively in this world if you lack communication skills. Really – if you have effective communication skills life becomes a bit easier. I did not develop these skills for myself, because talking to people was uncomfortable for me. I did not step beyond my comfort zone to expand myself which resulted in me being stuck. So it is time to do that – Step beyond my comfort zone.

This is the only way to expand yourself and become more effective – to push yourself beyond your limits and push through any and all resistance's along the way. Otherwise you stay the same. A simple example is learning to drive – at first it is a bit scary and tricky to get used to clutch control and traffic on the road, but you did not allow that fear and resistance to keep you from driving. You push through and eventually it all became second nature. Driving is like natural now. Stepped out the comfort zone and made driving a part of it.

I am not saying that being alone with yourself is wrong/bad. It is cool that I developed a point of comfortably within being alone by myself and its cool if you have done the same, but not being able to communicate effectively with others and hiding yourself in a room is limiting yourself extensively. Writing is cool practice – using the written word to communicate. It gives me time to look at what I write to bring out a message effectively, but If I would to speak this it would not be as good. Now it is time to use my lungs to push air through my vocal cords to produce a sound that I can manipulate with my tongue – or in simpler terms: Speak.

(More on speaking in my next blog where I will start a step by step process on how to speak effectively.)

Day 60 - How to work through Missing someone (pt1)

So missing someone

(Read the whole blog otherwise you'll from another idea and belief since you don't have all the context)

In our lives we come into contact with many beings and we form certain connections and come to like them. We like them based on, for example how they make us feel and what they do for us. We become used to their presence, how we experience ourselves in their presence and like being around them. So when they leave you it feels as if there is something missing in you/your life - a empty space that they used to fill.

We all have lived our lives thinking that it is the other person like a friend or family member or partner that makes us feel the way we do about them and that they are the only ones who can fill the emptiness within ourselves when we miss them. Or when someone close to you dies it feels like something dies within you and leaves a empty space that cannot be filled - because they wont come back

The question is this: Does the person really make you feel good?  Is the other person responsible for how they make you feel? Or is it you who create the feeling within you? It is you.

I create what i am feeling and what is happening within me. And  I am also responsible for the feeling of emptiness when I miss someone. So you can see that Missing someone has nothing to do with the other person, its all you. It is based on a perception and belief that you cannot give yourself what the other person seemingly gives you when they are with you - so when they leave you you feel an empty space within yourself, because you believe they fill the gap when it is actually only you who created it. What we haven’t realized in relationships is that we tend to place parts of ourselves in others, expecting others to fulfill parts within ourselves we haven’t accepted/lives as ourselves, and so we separate ourselves into others, instead of standing whole/complete/equal and one with ourselves. And thus why, when others leave – the ‘missing’ experience is actually show us that we’re ‘missing ourselves’; that we should investigate what it is that others fulfill inside ourselves and so gift it to ourselves, live it ourselves, accept it as ourselves.

So to put it simply: You create the experience within yourself when you are with someone. You create the experience within you when you miss that someone. You create the emptiness. YOU miss the experience you created. Starting to see something here? How can you miss an experience that you create daily when with the other person when the experience has nothing to do with the other person? ‘Nothing to do with other person’, meaning: the other person is simply standing as a mirror of ourselves within ourselves. When we have a part within ourselves, such as ‘comfortability’ that we haven’t accepted as ourselves, and we form a relationship with another person that is comfortable with themselves and you become attracted to that, and only in relationship with the person you are comfortable with you. But when/as the relationship ‘break up’ the compatibility also disappear, cause you connected the compatibility to only exist in relationship with the being within your Mind and haven’t accepted it as you. So, when/as one live that self-comfortably in equality and oneness it is self and not a part of self that can disappear/leave/cease to exist as it’s a living expression of self. Its all You - it doesn't die with the person and it doesn't go away with the other person. And so, relationships have become connections where we ‘fulfill each other’, and then ‘break down’ when the connection sever as the parts of ourselves that the other fulfilled is no more ‘there’ and we’re left ‘empty / unfulfilled’ and then we go and search/seek again for another to fulfill us. But, imagine the potential in relationships when two partners are whole/fulfilled within themselves in standing within who they are; then a relationship becomes a platform where they can grow/expand/develop more – instead of what it’s become now: trying to fulfill each other, which in this limit the relationship to only try and please each other, instead of focusing on developing/expanding/living/learning from each other in equality and oneness.

Don't misunderstand me here - I am not saying that you should not miss somebody. I'm still getting there...

So it is important to see that you are the creator of the experiences within YOU, the experience you have in relationships, the missing, the emptiness, the fulfillment, the unfulfilled. Another persons expression can have a major impact in your life - they are reveling an aspect of yourself that you have not realized or accepted as yourself yet or gave it yourself yet. So when they leave you miss that - instead of giving it to yourself. Thus, utilize relationships with others practically – see what you can learn about YOU with them, within yourself and so expand/grow/develop who you are within yourself.

In the End missing someone is Missing yourself - and when that aspect of yourself leaves you miss it - you miss the expression of that being and that is ok. Then it becomes real equal and one: You realize that the other person showed you something about yourself that you have not realized and then you give it to yourself. Both are in the picture. And so commit yourself to stop the missing/emptiness/unfulfillment, and gift you to yourself in your process of making you whole/complete/equal and one.