Saturday, 20 April 2013

Day 158 - Uselessness

 

gho I Have touched on the subject in my other blog post of me seeing myself as weak and not strong in my previous post, Before I continue with that I’'m going to write about another point that came up within that which is uselessness.

Its been almost 9 months since my first symptoms started of the Grave disease that I have. Before that I have been mostly busy with physical work. That was what I did during my days - got physical with the earth and I enjoyed it and got quite good at it. I have been unable to do any physical work for almost 6 months now and going from being outside doing physical work to being inside the house was a massive change to my schedule. It was like a whole new world and a new chapter in my life. People had to take over from me the things I used to be able to do and within that I felt useless. Some people would have liked the experience of others doing your bidding (lol), but I did not. I had this experience and energetic reaction within myself whenever I had to ask someone to assist me which was in part the reason for my previous post on hurting my back.

Basically I felt useless, because I could not do what I usually did and was good at - that took me time effort to become effective within it which also brought up anger towards myself for the situation I placed myself in. What I did not realize is that I have been doing things for other people that did not have the time as well as other important things. Although they are not physical work I have not been in fact useless and it is just a belief I had. Now that I have been feeling better I started to take on more responsibility and activities - all new experiences for me so that has been cool.

The most labour intensive task I do now is probably the most difficult thing I have ever done30cq6w8.jpg and struggle with greatly is.....cleaning. Seriously - I would clean the one day and by the next day I question my sanity, because the house is dirty again and I could have sworn I cleaned it the previous day. At least with mixing cement, throwing concrete and building walls once your done its done and stays that way for many, many years. With cleaning its like I'm getting nowhere. I feel a bit sorry for my parents who had to clean up after me all those years ago. So yes - I learn new things and thus expanding on all that My abilities so that one day I can say - I have done it all.

Back to my original point. A big change came upon my life and I looked at it negatively and saw it as Grave and the end of my world, But it was just the beginning of a new chapter bringing new opportunities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am useless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, because I believed I was useless just because I was not able to do anything that I used to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an energetic reaction and thoughts of 'I'm useless' whenever I had to ask someone to do something for me that I used to do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally accept the support that was given to me and instead be irritated when someone offered help, because I saw me being unable to do it as me being weak and useless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at this big change in my life as something bad and immediately reacted negatively to it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see this change as A new experience, a new chapter in my life with new opportunities and ways to leant more about myself to expand myself.

I commit myself to stop the belief of me being useless - instead I realize that I am doing other things and am in fact not useless

I commit myself to stop being angry for the situation I am and realize I placed myself here and to make the best of it

I commit myself to stop looking at this change as something bad/negative just because I cant do the things I used to do and was good at - instead I take with me all that I have learnt about myself while working with the earth and be grateful for the opportunity

I commit myself to accept assistance without reacting towards it as me being useless just because I am not able to do it myself anymore

I commit myself to realize that I have a great opportunity within this change in my life to learn new things and expand myself.

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