Day 310 -How Our Beliefs Can Ruin Someones Life

http://www.aljazeera.com/news/2015/09/muslim-boy-arrest-clock-sparks-outrage-150916143739052.html

A young student from Texas - Ahmed Mohamed - got arrested fro making a clock, because the teacher thought it resembled a bomb.

How is this still a thing?

Why are so quick to judge something based on our beliefs and ideas and perceptions of others ? How can we ever reach a point of equality when are all so judgemental?

Day 146 - Fear of Dying of Disease

 

When my body first started giving me problems i did not think it was a disease - i thought it was probably something im eating. I come from a line of bad genetics - bad teeth, cancer, asthma to name a few. It was only when i went to go see doctors about my body that i started to worry that the sins of my fathers will be laid upon  me so to speak - that I actually just might have a disease.

When i told the doctors the symptoms they asked me if there is cancer is the family and i would think to myself "" O shit, I might just have it"". It started to dawn on me that I just might die from some horrible disease. Yeay for me.

The doctors named a few sicknesses that it might be and it was some real scary sh it. That a tiny being in your body that kills you - having death inside of you and nothing you can do about it. You never think or believe that it will happen to you until it does - that you might actually die - this was the worse case scenario anyway.

I have experience death and loss a few times in my life, but never that i might die .The realization hit me and it was a different exp erience of myself - death. Where my body stop functioning and ends, returns to the earth. At first I was a bit shocked and feared it - this is something I have not faced on a personal level yet and I am not ready, then I was a bit angry at myself because if I die and thought what about my responsibilities here? What about all the things i still need to do? i wont be able to tend to them. Then I got sad, because I unfortunately know what loss feels like - to loose someone to death and others around me will experience it if I go, It is sad.

I told myself I would fight it and not give up, that I will not allow myself to die, lol. But then I realized that if it is really my time to go then its my time - everybody will die eventually. And that it is nothing to fear - there is no reason to fear death. I got a bit excited - a new experience. It was not a point of giving up - I would do to the best of my ability, but death is not something you fight, otherwise we go down the road of fighting yourself again. (This is different to each persons process, i am writing about my own here).

On Wednesday I have another appointment with my doctor - a checkup to see what my thyroid is doing is if the medication is working effectively. And on Monday i first need to do another blood test to check my thyroid hormone levels. 

Day 99 - Liking things just to be liked

 

Times when i am asked if a show is good I would hesitate and go into a little fear before I answer, because what if I say its good and then they do not like it and then I fear their judgements. The same with games and food.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when someone asks me if I like this show to hesitate in my answer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying I like something, because I fear I will be judged if they do not like it and I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to When in a group when the group says they like something to say I also like it even though I do not so that I can fit in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when someone asks me what food is good to fear telling them, because I fear if they eat it and not like it they will be anger at me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in saying I like things just to fit in and to be accepted by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want approval from others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I want others to accept me then I do not accept myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when someone asks me what food is good to fear telling them, because I fear if they eat it and not like it they will be anger at me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that liking and not liking something is based on who the person is, where the person is born, how the person is raised. what etc.

I commit myself to to stop the fear of someone judging me on what I like and do not like and thus stop the hesitation and speak out

I commit myself to stop compromising myself by saying I like stuff wanting to be accepted by others  and to instead accept myself

I commit myself to stop fearing others reactions like anger and disappointed when they ask me what food is good by simply telling them what food I like

I commit myself to stop being directed by others and stop basing my decision  on how other will react and instead direct myself

I commit myself to to stop judging others who like different things than I do

Journey to life day 21 - I am not Worthy of Life

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as not worthy

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to through years of backchat created an self image of me being inferior to others and took this as my self religion and believed it is who i am

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to though this belief always place myself second and placing everyone else first - compromising myself to keep others happy because i dont deserve to be joy

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see myself and who i am as ugliness and dark based on my thoughts feelings and emotions - not realizing that i am not my thoughts feeling or emotions.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a failure - because i am unable to move faster in changing myself to become an effective human being standing for the end of all abuse

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see the progress and actions and abilities i have devolved and to see that as not enough

I forgive myself that i have mot accepted and allowed myself to give myself worth

I commit myself to stop seeing myself as not worthy

I commit myself to give myself worth

I commit myself to see that this process will take time

I commit myself to give myself credit for what i have done so far will help from others.