A Musician I am

 

Continuing from my previous blog - read here for context. 

In my previous blog what has been revealed was my starting point for being a musician and how I never really did it for myself; but rather to please others, fit in and be appreciated. This shows that I did not appreciate or value myself and searched for it in others. Within this I depended on other’s reactions and defined myself according to it.

The hours upon hours that goes into music creation started to become an effort for me and so the reason why it started to become not worth it for me. We would put so much into a song, but when it is released it does not get a lot of attention. As read above I have defined myself according to other people’s reactions/appreciation and thus in this situation I did not get the attention I wanted from others and then linked that to "making music is not worth it" and useless. Whereas if I make music as a self expression then it would not matter what the reaction is of others towards it.

It is interesting how points come together - In previous posts I wrote about "Doing it for myself", Self value and self worth. This is what has been missing - Self/Me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write/play music from the starting point to want others to appreciate me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my belief that music is an effort - to stop playing instruments altogether, because I believed there is no point to it and a waste of time .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see creating music as being an effort based on the amount of time that goes into it and the reaction I get from others and thus to see it as not worth it.

I forgive myself that have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the the reason I was looking for appreciation from others was because I did not appreciate or value myself, and thus was looking for it in others instead of giving it to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to other people’s reactions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create music as a self-expression, as who I am, and to do it for myself - within this the only defining point is myself and not based on other people.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to play music simply as an enjoyment - to sit and play for  myself.

I commit myself to stop writing/playing music for only other people - instead I change my starting point to do it for myself as well as a self expression

I commit myself to stop the idea and belief I created that making music is an effort and not worth it based on the reaction I get from others and within this I commit myself to stop defining myself according to other people’s reactions and to instead be self directed

I commit myself to stop looking for value and appreciation from others - instead I gift it to myself

I am a Musician

 

Forgive me listeners for I have sinned - It has been a while since I released a song...

I have been involved with music my whole life. From playing the piano to playing bands to forming Robot Virgins and producing/writing songs with various other Artists. It has been an enjoyable journey thus far.

It takes allot of time and patience and dedication to write and produce a song - Some songs took me days and most took weeks and even months. It is very satisfying when A song is done. These days I mostly listen to my own songs and songs I have produced. Lately is has become increasingly difficult to write music. I have a few songs that I wrote, but they are not good enough. So I write this blog to find the reasons why I am struggling to write music these days.

My first question to myself is why am I a musician? Why do I write songs? Why Am I doing it?

My first reason was that my mother introduced me to music by teaching me the piano. As a young child playing the piano I noticed that people were amazed by me playing it - I was being appreciated and got attention for doing it and so that was my reason. As I got older and learnt other instruments and played with friends they appreciated me and I got attention and was fitting in. Which became my drive to improve my skills and become better at the instruments I was playing. I started writing songs and formed bands all the while getting attention and being appreciated. In a Nutshell - I was a musician to be appreciated and get attention and to fit in - got good at being a musician and simply continued doing it. All this was sub-couscous - I was not aware of it until much later after I became a part of the Desteni Process.

Before We started Robot Virgins I had a collection of songs I wrote through out the years - most not particularly good, but I enjoyed the process of writing music. It is creating something out of seemingly nothing. Using sounds and notes, shaping and structuring into a flow and you have a song. I mostly did music only - always had a difficult time with placing words to music. That was the one part of music I really enjoy - writing music and then listening to my own music.

Robot Virgins formed. I learnt how to produce music on a computer by myself which was awesome, because now I can write songs, record songs and produce songs. The first official song I recorded and produced  was Robot Virgins - Your Truth which turned out to be an All time favorite. As I was writing the song with help from Cerise I wrote it with other people in mind - meaning I was writing it for people who experience was the song is about. Only later after a few months of release did I realize The words are specific to me - I wrote the song for myself. It was interesting.

So Why Am I a Musician now. It is something that I am good at. It is a method to get a message across to assist and support people to realize something about themselves they have not yet realized. My starting Point within All this was still writing for others and not doing it for myself as well. I used to play guitar and drums and piano for the sake of simply playing because I enjoy it, but I have not done that in a long time - to play for myself. I started a few days ago to once again just play on instruments for myself.

I will continue this on the morrow as I go into more detail how I looked for my Muse and realized my Muse was me all along.....